I did not take into account he might not want to be helped. 

Just read this from a member. What an eye opener. I have not considered this. I keep forcing my will and saying you need to get help with your drinking. I might as well talk to the wall. I am learning to not even talk about drinking around him, let him be, drink, see if I care. i am just done, I have  not mentioned that he is drinking again. Its a waste of my time to even say anything. Who cares. My goal is to get out of the relationship for good so I go not care anymore what he does or says.    

Its 6:30am, and the abf is drunk again. Not surprised.  He just went on me a verbal rampage. he started working on Tuesday, and omg, he is mad as I am not working due to medical issues. I have two specialist to see between next month and December and who knows what they will say. One is for my heart and the other my lower abdominal area. Once I get the clear, then I can return to work. I work all day, what you do? nothing? you will never work ever. You are acting like your sick so you do not have to work. Your making it up. I work all day, someone has to around here. You won't. I told him to mind his own business and focus on your own back yard. I reminded him I got my own money and if he continues to push me, he can work, overtime, weekends to pay for the monthly bills of this house as  I will not be around to help out. He continued to complain he has to work and he has to pay taxes so I can be off work. My blood just about went over the edge. Poor d. Poor D. the world is after him. He has to be responsible. Its so sick. I am so fed up with his bs. I told him talk to someone that wants to hear his feel sorry for me deal. I do not want to hear it. I have my disabled daughter 23, living with me and I talked to her and we are leaving for the day. We are going to go to a hotel and stay away. He can have the house to himself and go nuts, I do not have to hear the sickness. I  I nearly called the cops this morning as I was so upset. He is scared out of his mind of the police. I am listening to music as he walks drunk around upstairs. I have a plan, this will end, we are leaving for the day. 

Plan of action, is Monday morning, he can make his own lunch, since I am lazy. He can do his own thing and I will detach. He can deal with is own stuff. I am angry, angry to be called down like this. I do not need to be listen to verbal diarrhea. I will be looking for an apartment when we are out today, as there are lots of rental and start the plan B. He can live with himself and go nuts all he wants and work, work, overtime, ect to pay the bills that is now shared. He will see how hard it is, when there is noone to help out. Reality sucks eh? Then he will have another thing sot complain about, none helps me, poor me, poor me. I see how sick alcoholism is, its all about poor me, poor me no one helps me, the world is against me. Very sick, negative thinking. I am trying not be sucked into that mind set. I need to keep positive and see the good in the world. I need to keep my spirit happy, positive and living. I want to have a good spirit, happy, and be free. I do not want to be miserable. I have been there so many times and I hurt everyone around me. I want to have a good things in my life. 

I guess I got angry as I have been so exhausted. I slept last night for 11 hours. I was just done. In the last 4 days I have been drained, so tired. I in fact felt relief, relief, to be away from him, since he started work. It was like a weight was lifted off me. I wanted him to work in camp, where he would be gone for 2 weeks at a time, but did not want to go there, as he wanted to be close to home, where he can drink at home. This is his safety place, I need to laugh as if he looses his safety place, what will he do? he will be in for a shock. 

He is of course very focused on the future..its all about the future and want he wants to do. I told him, who knows what the future brings. I told him, if worse comes to worse, we will buy him out of the house and he can leave to where he wants to go. He can retire to happy land, where ever that is. I am trying to keep focused on the moment, the moment is all I have and I have to live in it. Who knows what the future will bring. I am so fed up with alcoholism and alcoholics. They make my stomack turn. I am going to live my life, and not allow his sickness to make me into an angry, poor me, person. I am going to see the good. I will be thankful. I will be happy despite his sickness. I will put me and my emotional happiness first.

I did get to a face to face meeting this week. It was great. I wanted to go last night but I needed sleep. I was exhausted. I am not sure why I am so tired. It could be from my medical issue. if I end up so sick, god, please admit me in hospital, as I can not deal with laying in bed with a sick drinking alcoholic around me. I will end up near dead from being sick and having to be forced out of bed by a drunk alcoholic to escape the madness. 

I continue my prayer, god, please help me, get out of this sick relationship. Let your will be done and help me. Help me to see the good and help me to move on from this sick relationship. Set me free. God, set me free from this sick man and put me where you want me to live. I surrender to your will.  Amen. 

I continue to read on line here and its helping! Thanks for all your share, your all  wonderful life saver!  I would be completely insane without this board! 

Thanks for letting me share.