The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying so hard to keep the focus on me. It is so darn hard tonight. My mind is projecting the worse outcome for the alcoholic. He starts a new job tomorrow, and he is drinking tonight. He says, he has anxiety. What a bunch of BS, will not admit he needs, needs with all his body, the alcohol. He needs to be in a treatment center, not at a job. He has this belief that the job will save him from himself. Do not buy that. Maybe it will slow the drinking down a bit, for how long though, do not know. I can see it already, in a month, he will be fired for not showing up at work, due to drinking. But he will not see it, its someone else fault, he lost his job. I have been very clear, very clear, to him, I will not in any way support you financially. You need to work. I will not, not, support him if he has no income. He has to get his act together and support himself. I have my own financial obligations to face. I am grateful, I have my own income and do not depend on him. I would be in rough shape. Who knows, maybe this getting out of the house and working will help him. Will get him back on track too. Who am I to judge his business.
He is drinking and my mind is already projecting, he will be up till midnight, can not sleep, as when he drinks he can not sleep for days on end. Its scary. He can go for 48 hours without sleep, as long as the booze is there. After 48 hours, he will drink and drink, pass out, get up and drink again. I saw him go like this for 2 weeks once, non stop. His legs and feet were swelling up. He is very, very sick. I felt my heart drop tonight when he started drinking. I just kept my big mouth shut. Then he started to argue with me over the fact that I walked into the living room while he was on speaker phone with his friend today and said hello and discussed a bit about what he was talking about. I added my 2 cents into the conversation. I guess, I was being intrusive in his conversation.That started an argument and this time, I did not back down as I normally would. I have a god given right to state my mind too. I am not going to sit and be quite and he thinks he can be boss over me, No way. I will defend myself and speak my truth as I see it. I will not allow him to scare me, no, no. I am going to stand up for me. yes. I am worth it. I have a god given right to state my feelings and thoughts too. If he does not like it, to bad. Get over it, buttercup! I am here and this is my life too. I deserve to have a say in it. Your not my boss! I am learning, to stand up for me. I am not going to allow this sick man to dictate the house rules. No way, I have rights too. You do not like it, leave, go, where you can talk to yourself ( he talks to himself when he is drunk), its all so very sick. I am learning to stand my ground and not be taken advantage of.
The other day, he said, sober, we are not getting along, and we must likely not be together in the long term, I said, most likely not. I was being truthful. We discussed the house and I said, I will buy you out and you can leave. My daughter and I will live in this house. He said that will most likely happen. Then he said we had built a good home and did a lot to make the place nice, comfortable, straightened out, we did it together, and I said that we did, we worked hard to get the house in the condition it is in and yes, we work well together but that is all, but not in a romantic way. I said the romantic, love train has left. He says I know, I feel it too, the love is there but not the in love feeling. I said yes. I said all we can do is take things a day at time, who knows what the future looks like. Just enjoy today. Facing reality, manipulation tactic, feel sorry for me..not sure. I am not going to chase him, nope. he needs to prove to me. I am done proving my worth and getting nothing in return but scraps. Screw that, I deserve more than what I am getting from him. Maybe he is seeing that I have pulled way back from him and not being there, licking up all his drunken talk and seeing him as this great man that is going to save me. That he is the greatest thing that happened to me. I do not care what he thinks. I am just going to focus on getting stronger and stronger till the day, I have him out of my life for good! The day will come. I am getting there. Man I wish it would hurry! In fact, I wish at times, he would be dead, or die, that way I will be rid of him sooner. I know this is sick but that is how much I can not stand being around his active drinking! it drives me over the edge of sanity. I hate, hate hearing that high pitch drinking voice, makes my skin crawl. I am getting so disgusted with myself for having to be around him. I get so sick myself. I have to distance myself so much. I have to remind myself, focus on the actions, not the words. he will say what he will say, do not believe it. He is a lair and can not follow up on his words. he has two forked tongue, what he says and does, are different. I swear he is the devil himself. I just have to be so careful not to be deceived by his words.he is a good talker, but no action to justify what he says. Focus on me, focus on me, get strong, get strong. There is a way out, I know. It will happen.
God help me tonight, to take the right sane actions to get away from his drunken talk and groping, help me to remove myself from the house, if I feel unsafe. Help me to take the right, sane actions to get out of the house and away from him. Let your will be done, amen! help me god! help me to see the good, not the bad, and take the right actions to safety!
Your post resonated with me. Don't be too hard on yourself. Without support living with active alcoholism is too much for any person. That's what we are here for. I could have written much of what you said. Remember to be grateful for what we have. So many people are worse off. Remember to do what you need to do in the moment. Leave the room, leave the house. Remember that the A will likely not even remember what is so troubling to you. So put yourself first :)
Hey Joker,
I see a lot of progress in your posts recently. I agree with what has been said above. Keep taking it one day at a time and go from there. I have certainly had very similar feelings to yours and you are not alone.
I have been down that rabbbit hole. Many of us have.
I am in two minds about treatment sometimes. The one's that seem to work are the very long one's.
Nevertheless I gave seen people get sober. People get sober every day. Some of the people I have seen get sober were not candidates I would have bet on.
Arguing with people is not generally that useful. I have plenty of people all the time telling me what I.should do in my life.
Working on making it less irritating to me is so key.for me.
They are not going away. The way I respond to it is key. Some people absolutely zero in.on.whatever we feel nervous about
As far as I.am concerned the ex A did very little in fixing up the apartment we had. I really should have seen that as a red flag. When I was working overtime he was hanging out with his friends. Needless to say when he hit rock bottom his friends all evaporated.
For me, when it came right down to it, the effort was always at keast 75% me. In fact I dont think he was really that much into #our# he was into #his#. When we separated he was very carefiul to make what was #our# into #his#
There is no easy suresafe way out of these situations.
For ne it was all about the huge emotional investment I had.
I had to take that investment and put it in myself.
Needless to say there were times after thst that the ex A felt he was entitled to my time and energy.
For some reason i keot reinvesting in a relationship that was not going the way I wanted. When I got a few crumbs from it I was always overjoyed. Really the investment on his part was never there. I jusr really did not want to see it.
I know the al anon tools helped ne do a lot of saving energy.
The more I detached the better I was able to start working on what I needed to do.
(((Hugs))) Joker - I too am sending you positive thoughts....it's a challenge to live with the disease active - know that we're here for you as best we can be!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
