The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, MIP family. I haven't been posting much lately, and mostly things around me and my attitude has been good, been keeping busy. I want to say thanks to you all for being here, MIP has been and continues to be an important part of my recovery. One of the most important things I've gained through Alanon is that I'm no longer as afraid as I used to be, afraid of going insane, of being so broken and isolated that I have no future to look forward to. So mostly I'm OK. Healthier than I was, definitely.
What I'm seeing in myself these past couple of days in response to some recent changes in my life is that I'm so terribly, terribly afraid to be a failure and ALSO pretty afraid of succeeding because then I'm liable to get smug and at the same time my brain also says - now you have to continue to live up to this standard you've just set, you can't do worse than this anymore or everyone will see you're actually a fake (impostor syndrome?).
Ok, so this is a somewhat stressful time for me - looking for a new job (should get a yes/no from this one place this week), volunteering in an association whose goals I like (with a hope that at some point I might be able to earn salary there, its possible), postponing two tricky and time consuming tasks at work for forever already, like, months (and I just can't bring myself to begin working on them, its crazy, I always find some excuse to postpone again and again). But mostly what brought my stress levels up is that I got a new laptop from the organization I'm volunteering for this past Friday. They bought it for me because I mentioned I was looking for a laptop, because I'm spending quite a lot of time in commute each day. I realized today that they are just happy I'm willing to work with them without payment for now and they don't want me to stop being involved. After the initial high (I knew it was too good to last, lol) and feeling like I've won the lottery or something, I became really stressed about it, like - now I've GOT to work harder, better, faster or something... Feeling better since yesterday, but this laptop situation brought to the forefront my desperate need to not fail, ever. AAAHHHHHH. And that rotten smugness, when its mixed in WITH the fear of failure, its just not healthy for me at all. What's stupid in all this is that I seem to find it harder to enjoy volunteering since I got the computer. Today's a bit better than yesterday, though.
I realize the problem is not in the laptop, or work stress, its my attitude that is off. I just hope I get through this soon with a healthier attitude on the other side. When I'm relaying it like this, in writing, it actually seems pretty ridiculous, but the stress is still real. And I apologize that I'm sort of complaining about getting a laptop (LOL), I know there are things that are a lot more serious than this. I guess the positive side in this is that I've mostly distanced myself from alcohol related insanity. Now I mostly only have my own to deal with!
I keep wondering where this overwhelming need of mine to be seem "perfect" comes from. I don't recall being quite like this when I was a child (even if I was, it was not nearly as bad, in any case), so this must have come later... Is this something of a norm for a codependent?...
Thanks for letting me share, it feels good to have that all out, kind of seems to have brought things into perspective for me a bit more. Take care, love to you all. :)
(((Aline)) Living with the disease of alcoholism we tend to unconsciously develop many negative coping tools that hinder our living life on life's terms. I am glad that you notice this need for perfection countered by the fear of success. You can ask HP to lift this painful defect and be assured that underneath you will discover the courage, and wisdom to succeed and not self sabotage .
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I pray that I may keep my eyes trained above the horizon of myself: I pray that I may see infinite possibilities for spiritual growth.
(((Aline))) - As a result of this disease as well as my FOO (my parents are untreated ACoAs), I had very black/white thinking as well as all/nothing action. I can so totally relate to your post - all of it! The best suggestion I ever got in recovery was to promise self that I would do xxx for yy minutes, hours, etc.
I do this now with work, volunteering, walking, program, etc. I do way better with structure and planning - just the way I'm wired I guess. So - consider how much time you were of service, and promise you that you won't do more than that (because of the laptop). They probably expect nothing more and appear grateful. I have always struggled to 'see my value' and limiting similar to this has helped me find my fun too.
Our program has helped me see more and more in me that can be changed for the good! Awareness is an awesome tool to grow and build from! Good luck on the job!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your support, Betty, IAH, it means a lot to me. I feel I need to dedicate more time to work on the program again, I have been somewhat slacking recently, and I guess it shows. Thank you for your suggestion to allocate a certain amount of time for my activities, IAH, I will try doing that.
I'm guilty of being a frustrated perfectionist. LOL .. my house is a mess if I could wish it clean I totally would. My kids are fantastic and each having their own challenges. LOVE my kids however have had some moments of I want to play hide the body. Work is ok. I am so grateful I have a great job even though my eyes bleed from boredom. I guess if they want to pay me to come in I will keep coming in.
It is all seriously crazy what it is that the self talk about what I am suppose to be, I'm suppose to be perfect .. because?? I don't deserve to be happy?? Who says that is not my right to be happy? Who's word do I value that makes that statement a true statement?
Who says you have to? If your very best friend in the world came to you and spoke to you the way you are speaking to yourself .. what would you do, say? I find those to be moments of doubt .. am I making the right decision . am I putting my needs and wants first (this is a BIG Lord forgive me one for me). In some ways it reminds me of the monks who practiced that to get right with God they punished themselves kind of like Martin Luther. My point being if the self talk is not something you would say to a friend why would it be ok to say that to yourself.
This was some program work for me however it was also more about letting go of old ideas that I just wasn't good enough, I am actually still struggling with about being good enough. I do believe firmly in affirmations and that type of self work. Notes on the bathroom mirror helped remind me that I am who I am and just self acceptance that I am perfectly flawed and the God of my understanding is shaping me into the woman He intended me to be and I got derailed from that process.
It really sounds like you have some great opportunities and I hope you are feeding your soul as you feed your wallet. Don't drain your cup without refilling. That's a tendency people tend to do who have had dealings with addicts .. that endless pit of filling something or someone else instead of filling themselves. Sometimes the best medicine is just having some fun and to stop taking life so seriously because life is serious enough without me adding to it. :)
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you for your shares Maresie and Serenity :) Meanwhile I've taken the suggestion about coming up with a specific time I intend to do the volunteer work each day (thanks again, IAH!), and this seems to work for me. A lot better than stressing out about not doing enough, who knew? (Not me.)
After sharing here on the topic of fear of failure and the opposing moments of smugness when I succeed, a new thought came to me, inspired by your shares, mostly, which I'm trying to implement in my attitude now. I had opportunities to practice at work ;D. When I feel like an impostor, fake, less than X or not enough, I tell myself other people make mistakes and have shortcomings, too, so I'm not worse. And when I feel smug, I tell myself other people have admirable qualities and have done admirable work, as well, in essence, that I'm cool and everyone else is cool, too. Also, seems to work for me, besides its absolutely true. I hope I can make a habit of this attitude - but I'm getting ahead on myself again... Today was better in this respect, for which I'm grateful :)
I had a volunteer job for five years that ended really suddenly. I had been thinking of letting go of it for a while but I kept making excuses. Then I got notice it was over.
There was no fan fare about it. Really I could see the writing on the wall a while ago. That volunteer job kept me going through a lot of bad times but I over did it on the helping them out role. I felt obligated to go in and help out even when it was not my shift. I did not have to be asked.
I was hoping to have an ongoing relationship with some of the people there . That didn't happen.
I have to grieve the opportunity being over and the loss of a possible friendship. I think it is hard for me to negotiate the possibilities of friendship because a lot of them don't work out. When they don't it is a crushing defeat for me rather than a fact of life.
Real functional friendships are not something that I know how to manage. I know how to manage the enmeshed, ambivalent ones. I don't know how to do the naturally time limited ones. I also don't know what the signs are that a acquaintance can move into something else.
