The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so mad at myself for being in this situation again. As soon as I think things might be ok, BAM they are totally out of control. My ah has been saying that he is going to AA and maybe he is, but he has also been sneaking around and drinking behind my back. This has caused arguments where I am falling back into old patterns of screaming, crying and threatening. I am mad because I am still here allowing someone to rob me of peace and serenity in my life. I don't want to spend time with him when he drinks. I cannot be nice. I become someone I am not. I want off the roller coaster of emotions. I don't want to hear empty promises anymore. There has to be a better life than this. This is my second time married to an A. I am learning here in alanon that they are sick and we are too. I get that, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with it right now. I worry that I may never know what to do to make me ok. I am really having a bad day today and feel so alone. Thanks for letting me vent.
I can relate to the roller coaster life. It's not at all easy or pleasant! I've been on it for almost 40 years and just now beginning to take care of myself with the crazies in my life. I hear a lot of seeds of self care in your post. You mention a lot of things you don't want anymore, for me that was the beginning of having boundaries and figuring out what I would not do anymore. For me it is a process, one day at a time I work the program and get stronger. Keep going to meetings and posting here! the support of others makes all the difference.
mamakat,
I have been in two relationships with alcoholics. My father drank when I was growing up. It was the only life I had known for so long, it was comfortable and familiar. It is great that you have the awareness of your actions, that is a big step in the right direction. Try to find your own space and not feel like his drinking is your responsibility. That can be really hard but it really is his job to stay sober not yours. I too got tired of it and I have been free from that for going on four years. It takes steps though, it does not happen overnight. I like the poem just for today. I also would repeat to myself that nothing changes if nothing changes. That meant changing myself. I hope things get better soon.
(((Mamakat))) - I'm so sorry you are having a bad day. I can relate. In times like this, when I first started, my brain did look to the past for cause and to the future for projection. It's a very hard habit to break yet it's so helpful to practice staying present. That truly is what saved my sanity so many, many times. My sponsor and Betty here always suggested I look for things to be grateful for instead of what's broken/not working.
I've heard many times in recovery that which we focus on grows. If I dwell/obsess over what's broken, it does seem to magnify in my mind. If I practice looking at what's good or what's better, I tend to calm down.
Find any tool you can get your hand on in recovery and try it - call someone, go to a meeting, read some literature - we each heal/deal differently ... that's we we suggest instead of advise. Prayer/meditation were and remain hard for me in times of chaos, yet I still try/practice.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
