The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AS is truly angry with my husband and I, and with his brother. We have been living our lives and leaving him alone, so now he feels abandoned like "he doesn't exist" anymore. So yesterday while everyone was at work he destroyed all the family pictures he could find, including those in my bedroom and the family room. This was in response to an air conditioning company choosing to place the thermostat in his brother's bedroom and not his. What??? Most of the pictures are not salvageable and I am so sad.
I know deep down, on some level, he is really angry with himself. Being angry and miserable with us is his way of justifying where he is in life. Part of me is outraged that he can claim to be treated like " piece of sh*t" while living in the comfort of my home. I said to him recently that he can't claim he wants no part of our boring meaningless lifestyle while enjoying our air conditioning, food, phone, etc. My husband and I have not been falling for his manipulations lately and it is setting him off.
I do have compassion for his feelings. I know they are real. He's scared that we are close to cutting him off completely, and he is lashing out. But my pictures that I can't replace!!! I don't know how to handle that.
I'm so sorry to hear about those precious pictures, it really is maddening how this disease so often manages to hit the mark with it's destruction.
I remember when my AH directed his negative self view my way - I tried to be understanding, I could see he was hurting, and I thought that I could absorb it all without pain. But all those negative comments did leave their marks - I was, of course, the most awful wife, our marriage was S***, and I was never ever there for him. I found it so difficult to understand why AH was saying these things and yet I tried to understand, I wanted to understand, but actually I would have been better off by being honest and saying "you are hurting me" and "this makes no sense." I had to remember to have compassion for my own feelings before I could be honest about how I felt.
((LKSG8R)) Reading about the destruction of your photos prompts me to ask if you think you are safe.
Please consider if his anger escalates, will he hurt you, the rest of your family, or pets?
The urgent task is to stay safe as you work on other issues. There are professionals who can help you with this.
An al-anon sponsor is a good place to start.
Keep coming back.
I consider the same issues that Jill mentions and as a former alcohol/drug addiction therapist I would suggest an investigation by the police and a formal charge at him and removal from the property. He, the alcoholic has crossed the line out of his mental and emotional capacity. Any other person would already be formally charged and off of the property. As a former therapist I have had others jailed and tried for the same behaviors. If you cannot or will not do the right action regarding this get some one who will. He has destroyed physical property and you could be next. One of the consequences of alcoholism is fatalities. In deep concern and compassion.
(((Lisa))) - so sorry about the destruction of property. My son's had anger issues and they did escalate and I was willing to call the police. It was not easy and there was definite fallout but it helped establish a boundary that helped keep me safe. I did put both of my boys out as their disease or their choices were not in line with acceptable behavior I could live with. It was very hard, but very necessary for me to get sane and hold on to it.
I hope you take good care of you. I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Living with an active A (alcoholic or addict) is a difficult road and one that is easier traveled with support through some type of recovery.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I know it is a big struggle to accept or deal with destructive behavior. Some alcoholics can ve oblivious of others. Their selfncenteredness is pretty huge. I dont know how you feel.about licking up.stuff. These actions could be reasons to set even more limits
Personally I know some alcoholics Inwould never invite ti my houde because I know they would steal.something. m
That feeling of looking over your shoulder is really unpleasant.
The irony us that kind of behavior.dies set the person up.fir even more boundaries.
Personalky while I.feel bad about my.boundary towards sime people I know the boundary us needed. I.am no l8nfer willing ti.wobder if they will steal. In their oresent condition they.will absolutely.
I no longer feel bad ir guilty about having a boundary.
