The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So this may end up being a rant at the "System," but, so be it.
I had been preparing to file for legal separation for awhile now... every time I feel ready, something drastic comes up. I finally said it must be done, so I had a free consultation with an attorney, looked up online how to file in LA County... basically got my ducks in a row.
So today I took time from work, drove to the courthouse, paid my $10.00 parking fee, all to find out that I was given "misinformation." I was told my Social Services that I could go and get free help with my forms... I could even get a fee waiver. If I went early... b/c it is first come first serve. So before I left today, I printed out all the forms needed and checked the courthouse website to see hours, days open, where to go etc... I didn't want to make any mistakes.
I waited a short time in line, told them what I needed and what I was told on the phone. "Oh, someone misinformed you...we don't do Family Law on Fridays... and you need to sign up for a Divorce/Separation workshop to get the help."
"Oh, I was told I could come down any day as long as I went early b/c it was first come, first served."
"Well, you were misinformed."
"By the courthouse receptionist?" I asked.
"When is the next workshop?" I asked.
"Nov. 6th."
I was told by the lawyer who I consulted with that I shouldn't put this off. So I walk out, tearing up. I pull myself together and go back inside.
"You have 6 empty tables here with pens... may I sit and fill out my paper work myself, since this IS a self-help center?"
"Yes, but please note that this court is very strict about any missing information or incorrectly marked boxes... and we cannot answer any questions for you... for that you need to go to the workshop. OH, and when you file, it must be in triplicate, and you cannot make copies here."
Hahahahahahaha! And THIS is a self-help, free legal service place? You have got to be kidding me!!!
So I told them that perhaps this type of information should be on their website, or at the very least told to the person calling for information... b/c I took time off work, and paid for parking I really couldn't afford.
I went home and cried to my dog.
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Friday 6th of October 2017 02:19:01 PM
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi Posies. Sorry you experienced this setback after resolving to do what was right for you. I'm a few steps behind you on that path so perhaps we can share general info about the process in the future as I'm in CA as well.
(((PnP))) - what a bummer.....sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So here's the latest update... I came home prepared to try and fill out the paperwork myself and go back and file myself. As it turns out, my friend recommends a company to me. Basically it's a company of paralegals that will prepare and file all the legal paper work you might need for your case. There is a fee. But it is drastically reduced compared to retaining an attorney. The recommendation was based on personal experience from her sister.
So I called and asked my questions, and got really good answers. And with some help, I can afford it! They even do QUADROS! So my appointment is on Monday! It feels good to take one more step forward.
For anyone who was in this position, did you have someone serve your papers? If so, who? Did you discuss with AH first, or write a letter that was also served? I ask, b/c I have told him in several different manners that I am done, want a separation, and I am not coming back... but he seems to refuse to hear any of it... he still acts like I am just gonna waltz back home! Someone told me that my reluctance to file these papers may be why he is having a hard time accepting what has happened and that I should treat it like a Band-Aid... just rip the scab off!
Contact with AH has been getting more and more difficult as he spirals downward. All the veiled threats of suicide have really worn me down. I haven't blocked him, but each night I mute his messages. I even told him yesterday that I dropped my phone and it's "in the shop." LOL!
Tonight was odd for me... was at my kid's band/football game and as usual, all the parents asked where Mitch was... I actually said that we were separated. It felt odd to admit that in front of everyone (of course only 1 person there knows the reason why, and EVERYONE just LOVES my hubby... Ugh!). When someone said, "Oh I am sorry, I didn't know." I actually said, "That's OK, it's not something that I am advertising." To top it off, there was a long time couple friend sitting right behind me, & I could feel their eyes boring into my back! Awkward! OH well! What could I do... this was bound to be public knowledge anyway!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I would not give your AH notice you are filing papers. Wait till after you serve him. One way a lot of people dodge the process is to make sure they do not get served
There are agencies that serve papers. Go to a legitimate one
Some people offer low cost services the low cost might mean they do not bother to serve. The legitinate ones are known and have references
Divorce is pretty unpleasant ar the best of times. I.would not expect an alcoholic to be cooperative
I think one constant in dealing with an alcoholic is the #malignant hope# that they will come around. Some of then do. Some of then have to go through a series of catastrophes to do it. Some of them never do it.
There is no.formula for who will recover and who.will not.
If you arw getting divorced it is important to be honest with yourself about what you want. I dont thonk.being honest with an.alcoholic works much better. The issue is to inearth all the ulterior motives you have. I know my ulterior motives have sometimes suprized me. Neverthekess I can be objective at times. Being objective around an alcoholic csn be very difficult. They sre really very talented at pulling us back in.
(((PnP))) - good for you that you were able to share 'what's real' just for today with others. Hold your head up high - divorce and separation, although unpleasant and undesired, do happen and you are not alone! As far as the 'process', my sponsor suggested to me that at any time I decide to seek help from professionals - counselors, police, court, etc. - that I need to follow their process. She suggests this as it helps me keep my will/ego out of the situation. It's worked well for me so I too would agree with letting a server deliver the paperwork.
Sending you continued prayers and positive thoughts. You are doing great - keep working it girl....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good luck and hugs PnP. Divorce/separation is hard enough already and then the court system just keeps making it worse. It's great that you found some options. I hope everything else goes as smooth as possible.
Thank you, Maresie... I am actually choosing Legal Separation for now...mostly b/c Al-Anon says "no major decisions for the first year" or something to that affect. I realize moving out was a HUGE decision for me, but honestly, that took me almost 9 months to finally make that decision. I know I don't want to go back at this point, so divorce may come down the road... I just wanted to legally protect myself and my son from the outcomes of his addiction. I happen to love your characterization of "malignant hope!" I found that my hope for him really was damaging me! So in a very true sense, was malignant. Thank your for your ESH on serving the papers. All the services charge money to serve, but the company that will be handling the actual separation motion will not deal with spouse at all. I know that I can choose anyone over the age of 18...but perhaps it would be wise to pay the fee and be as far out of the picture as possible.
Thank you too, Iamhere. Even though this is "just" legal separation, the process will still be about the same as a divorce... so yes, my plan is to do what the professionals say, and leave my ego out of the picture! Thank you for the reminder!
Peace to you, Jayla... thank you for the support!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I don't know about your A's availability to be "served" I know I have paid agencies and they didn't serve them. They only made one or two tries. If an A suspects they are coming they can hide pretty easily.
They have a rider on the contract. That is all they have to do.
If you have someone diligent enough and detached enough that might be the way to go with it. At least then you don't have o deal with the uncertainty.
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I read your first post and thought, something else will open. Then I got to your next one and saw also the support of WM. Sometimes when the first door slams in our face, its because there's another perfectly timed one getting ready for us to push through. Hang in there, you are doing great.
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
