The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been a grateful member of Al-Anon for more than ten years and this has happened to me many times before but tonight, it REALLY got under my skin and I don't know why. As the discussion topic moved around the room, several people shared for inordinately long for the number of people present (17), despite the standard admonition at the beginning of the meeting to keep shares brief so all may have a chance to speak. I was the last one but the hour was ending and the chair proceeded to close without giving me an opportunity to speak. A fellow member attempted to make a motion to extend the meeting for two minutes but the chair ignored it with a smirk and continued to close. That sort of thing seems to happen to me in meetings far more than it does to other people and for whatever reason, tonight I felt very disrespected, especially when one of the members who had over-shared came up to me after the meeting to offer a few words of condescension about being the 'odd man out'.
I really wanted to bring it up at the business meeting that followed the regular meeting but I knew better than to try and do that when I was upset. Besides, I had given a fellow member a ride and she didn't want to stay but we did end up sitting in the car and talking about it for almost two hours. I very much want to register my displeasure with this situation at the group's next business meeting and ask for a group conscience on enforcing reasonable time limits on members' shares and/or extending meetings for a couple of minutes when one or two members haven't had the opportunity to share. I do this already when I chair a meeting. I NEVER deny someone their voice like that. My feeling is if someone has patiently and courteously listened to everyone else, then they deserve the same courtesy. Depending on the situation, I will just quietly let the meeting run over for a minute or two or else ask for a group conscience to extend the meeting by no more than five minutes. The bottom line is there are better ways to handle it than what happened tonight.
I realize this whole thing is a trigger issue for me that goes back to childhood and not being listened to or taken seriously by my family and others. I really hate not being listened to--not being heard; in fact, I have had recurring dreams most of my life (I'm 54) about needing to communicate something very important and not being able to speak. Thanks for reading this; I just needed to get it off my chest so I can get some sleep. Your experience, strength and hope is greatly appreciated.
-- Edited by Human on Friday 6th of October 2017 02:35:31 AM
Wow, great processing Human! Feeling that one can not have a voice is one of my irritants too, in fact I posted something similar a couple of years ago and it did me the world of good to 'put it out there'. I hope it has helped you as well.
You know how the meeting could have been handled differently, it wasn't this time, and you've been reminded about something important and valuable about yourself as well. Isn't it great that we can bring these thoughts here to MIP. Warmest welcomes and ((((hugs))))
Hey Human - welcome to MIP. Glad you found us and joined right in. I am so sorry you felt disrespected and as the 'odd man out'. I have been there, and like you, I would have done things differently if I were chairing the meeting. I also love how you are able to process and are aware of the deeper feelings around the issue. Great program work!
For me, I really have to be on guard for potential/real resentments. They just do not serve me well as they fed my ego/pride for so, so long - it's a sure way for me to have a decline in serenity. I get so annoyed at myself for giving my power away to others - and this goes well beyond my A(s).
I have to constantly remind myself that what I value and see to be right/fair doesn't align with anybody else. Even if I think it should, that's just not reality. I also have to use the Serenity Prayer often - looking for the grace and courage to change what I can - me, my expectations, my meeting, my ....... I am finding that my ability to be fluid and flexible is easier some days than others.
I've got a bit of chaos going on in my life right now, and it's wanting to bleed over into other areas of my life. I am working hard with the program tools to feel my feelings and just be gentle with me right now. Sometimes, that's my lesson - be gentle with self and look for the lessons...
As we say, this too shall pass. I too hope that just 'throwing this out there' has brought you some relief and I'm sending you some love and light as you work through this. Keep coming back and welcome to the family!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sorry you've had this experience. I've had it too in meeting. It affected me a lot as a newcomer without a sponsor because at times I'd been waiting for my meeting and those three minutes to let everything out I'd been feeling and had no one to share it with. I hope you'll keep coming here and sharing your recovery journey. You know, Human... we can't change other people only our response to them. The way you choose to chair a meeting sounds fair to the group and promotes unity. You're right, your business meeting is the time to bring this up. "Participation in the key to harmony." Most of us want to keep growing in our recovery and for our meetings to be guided by Alanon principles. I'm sorry you have that reoccurring dream. It wonderful that you see a connection and want to do program work around it for your recovery. Offering suggestions at Alanon business meetings is a wonderful way to have our ideas and voice validated.
I can share with you a fews solutions that groups I've attended have found for the issue of timed shares.
Some groups I've attended have a few egg timers. The sharer can then take personal responsibility and monitor for their time.
Other groups have created an service position called "spiritual timekeeper." The spiritual timekeeper uses a watch to keep track of the sharer's time. The spiritual timekeeper will hold up their index finger to the sharer when they have just one minute left to share.
These two solutions have worked pretty well for maintaining unity and limiting control and dominance by strong willed members. Having lives touched by alcoholism can really bring those out of balance behaviors out in us
I've found that reading my Alanon daily readers about the behaviors I don't like in others can really be an eye opener. It's helped me to see myself as I truly am with those same behaviors. I might say to myself, OK... you don't do "that" at the meeting but.. you do that with family or in this or that situation. This tool helps me to feel greater love and understanding for my fellow and myself. It helps to keep me from growing resentful which messes with my serenity.
Anyway, I understand the disappointment of not getting a chance to share. My first Alanon sponsor was the person I reached out to when that happened. I trusted her to keep my confidences and I found by having her, I formed better boundaries concerning sharing intimate details in meetings and with other meeting members who I didn't know very well. Hope your business meeting brings solutions that are best for your group. Thanks for your share. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi Human Welcome. I am sorry you were unable to stay for the Business Meeting as that is the Avenue established for alanon members to bring their individual concerns and have them addressed.
Many meetings experience this issue and my favorite meeting has voted to assign a "spiritual time keeper" in order to permit sharing for all members.
Please do keep coming back here
The meeting I go to has a time keeper but if you really need to vent they are usually pretty lenient on it. They also read before the meeting that if you hadn't gotten a chance to share, to try and find an al-anon friend who will listen to you. I hear your frustration as this has happened to me before. The best solution I found was to try and speak up earlier in the meeting to make sure I have the time to share.
Hmmm... sounds like your meeting is okay... maybe just a bit too controlling.
If we are showering, dressing and crossing town to get to a meeting. This time is valuable. 90 minutes, rather than one hour would suit me.
I observe, that in the United States, and not just in Alanon, conscience meetings often come to a vote. I have heard, at a meeting here in NZ, an American voice calling out- "put it to the vote".
In my view voting is a good move is we want to decide what brand of tea we want in our tea bags. But, as in your case... a conscience meeting where the views of a minority, or an individual are heard and considered.
If we think about it- we have all come along, from family situations where our thoughts and opinions did not amount for much. Not for much at all, sometimes. [You can see that I am very touchy here, on this topic.]
Years ago,in my hometown group one member came along to a meeting in deep crisis. So the group threw the meeting open for this one person! it wouldn't happen everywhere! ...
but at the same time- the town was the size of one single suburb and members met informally during the week for catch-ups....
For me personally it is not so much the "situation" but the "trigger" that is so key for me. The trigger that started it all is what I have had to work through.
I have certainly had the situation where I was the one who was left out in certain situations. I have also felt unheard a great deal.
Nevertheless the overwhelming trigger of emotions belongs in the past not in the present.
That doesn't mean for me it isn't valid. I left a job last year where I was not "being heard". Unfortunately because I was "triggered" the leaving was more difficult than it needed to be.
I have certainly been to years of 12 step meetings where people did not get to share, where the secretary called on their favorites, where people felt not heard or valued.
I don't know that it is possible to find a perfect meeting. I know for me sometimes talking to the people after the meeting was helpful. Nevertheless the key for me was to acknowledge the reaction I was having was about a lot of things, not just the present.
I certainly have not worked through a lot of stuff in my past. I know I can get triggered all the time by various issues. I try to take ownership of those issues.
I have been to meetings that were small where everyone got to share and felt "heard". That was helpful. Nevertheless the crux of the matter is where ever I went, my triggers went too.
When those triggers were mediated and worked through my reaction to things were more manageable.
I don't know that there is a perfect meeting or a perfect place to come and share. I know wherever I go I will be bringing my unfortunate childhood with me. I hope to be able to manage it so my life is not a roller coaster anymore. I know it certainly contributed to a a lot of pain for me for decades. For me the pain of having a difficult childhood is not just what it cost me as a child, it is what it cost me as an adult too.
I don't know that there is a perfect meeting or a perfect place to come and share. I know wherever I go I will be bringing my unfortunate childhood with me. I hope to be able to manage it so my life is not a roller coaster anymore. I know it certainly contributed to a a lot of pain for me for decades. For me the pain of having a difficult childhood is not just what it cost me as a child, it is what it cost me as an adult too.
Yes, yes, yes... I wish there was a place where everyone spoke our language, and understood "our" rules. ...
The"Alanon Spoken Here" table card attempts to show that although we may have many differences we are not" terminally unique " and can find help in the rooms as long as we keep coming back. I found that being willing to pick up the simple tools that are offered and finding the "Courage to Change" were extremely important to my recovery -as nothing changes if nothing changes.
I am always amazed at how well the program understands my disease and has established the Traditions and principles so as to address them. These allow me to feel safe and supported as I attempt to grow out of the disease and try new attitudes and actions . Business meetings and the "no cross talk recommendation" are a few I found extremely helpful.
It sounds as If you have embraced these concepts as well Maresie
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