The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So Friday night was my AH's bday. He was passed out and the house smelled of alcohol when I stopped by around 9 am that morning. So I checked on my cats, made sure they were fed & box was clean and left my card. I think I posted that later that day I saw him driving up the street (probably from liquor store at the end of that street. Said a brief "Hi."
From what I heard, his mother and brother visited him that night and he was in such bad shape! So bad that they were shocked. The next morning I get a text from his sister asking me NOT to go over the house to pack things. She tells me that AH calls his mom and tells her he is scared and is ready to get some help. Of course she rushes over (long drive) and somehow, his family convince him to go with the police to a hospital. At this point I am not sure if it is a 5150. but they did make him ride in the back of the police car, remove all his possessions on him, and asked his nephew to help with intake (NOT his mother). So now all his family is exhaling a big sigh of relief. I tell them that just be prepared that he may sober up and check himself out. They are aware. But this is their last hope for him getting help... it seems that MediCal will cover all or most... all he has to do is accept.
Later that night his sister texts me and asks if I could open the house for them b/c they forget his C-Pap machine. No problem. I do that, we talk about the hopes that he will get the help he needs b/c they told me his blood alcohol level was so high that the hospital could do little until it came down. Basically, he has been drinking all day, everyday. So my hunch about possibly getting a welfare check on him was correct it seemed. But now, supposedly, he will be in hospital for 72 hrs.
Fast forward to the next morning and I get another text from SIL... it seems that when they went back to hospital that night, he checked himself out. I guess he proved to them he wasn't suicidal. I am not sure why drinking non-stop and not eating etc. for 5 days straight is not suicidal, but whatever.
So now I am pissed b/c I still need to drain my 60 gallon fish tank (that I have already sold) and he will probably come home while I am doing that. And, probably most important, I can't get my cats out of the house!
So yes, he does come home while I was there. Sister tells me that they took away his keys b/c even when he is not drinking, the hospital said his BAC would be WAY over the legal limit. So they don't want him driving drunk. She warns me that right now he is calm, but he probably will get angry at this. But they told him a grocery store is right down the street, and if he decides to get a job, they will talk about the car then... or better yet, if he decides to go into a treatment facility, they will drive him themselves. But he is on his own otherwise. I get the tank moved out without a hassle... AH's brother was there the whole time. Every once in awhile, I see AH giving me these puppy dog looks. I don't meet his eyes. Eventually I sit down and ask him, "What about the cats?" "Can you take care of them?" He says "Yes." So now I am kicking myself b/c I had the opportunity to get them out, but now I can't!
Later today, he texts me that he wants to "use my WiFi, b/c I really need to connect to WiFi right now." I did not answer him. I tell my son, and he is like, "Ah, NO!" Funny how cut and dried he is about this... I was beginning to waver, although I felt uncomfortable letting him do this. Both myself and his sister told him he can go to the public library and have full, free access. Anyway, I don't text or call back.
Even later, he angry texting me b/c I took 2 chairs from the back yard patio (actually, I took all the decorations, some of the plants and the two chairs - because I paid for them all). He is complaining that "It would be nice to sit on something... you know those were my Mom's chairs!... I guess I'll just sit on the grass."
I then texted him back that his mother's chairs are in the garage. The chairs I took were ones that I had paid for.
Then he says, "Yes, whatever you are obviously moving out... it's been nice hope you at least let me be KID's dad... you are obviously never peppered to come back so I guess we are done I am really sorry... are you going to respond" (typos are his)
I am not sure what he thought I was doing here...I told him either he was leaving, or I was. Since he didn't leave, I did. I also told him that I didn't want to live with addiction in my life anymore... period. I told him that I am not ready to divorce. Later I also told him to not pressure me, b/c I just feel like I can't deal with the thought of relapse, 2, 5, 10 years down the road. I told him that I had hoped he would choose recovery so that he could eventually have a good relationship with his son and we could be friends. He seemed to agree or at least heard what I said. Now he is pissed with me.
I guess b/c his family has "let go" he is now going to bother the s** out of me.
He keeps calling and I keep not answering.
I really hate addiction!
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 2nd of October 2017 06:42:41 AM
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hugs, (((((Posies))))), I feel for you. I was in a similar situation a couple of months ago, where the A would bother me with drunken calls and texts a lot. Its hard, but it really is gonna end at some point, and I mostly did as you do, ignoring the texts and calls if I know he's been drinking. One day a time
Thank you Aline. It is now 4 am here... I have gotten zero sleep b/c of this.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I had started to put the phone in "night" mode or however it is called so it doesn't even vibrate if anyone calls or texts me... Still do it in the evening, most days, so I'm sure I won't be bothered during the night. Continued thoughts of support your way!
PandP, while my AH was actively drinking, I decided to chalk everything he said up to that. There was never going to be a way to have a legitimate discussion because he always saw it through the lense of alcohol. I have had all these conversations too. All I can think of is detach, detach, detach...
(((PnP))) - so very sorry that the disease and diseased are escalating.....I'm with grateful - detach, detach, detach - however you can and with whatever it takes. I have gone so far here as to block mine just so I would not be tempted to answer/respond when they are active. My experience is that at any point they are active, there is no such thing as a coherent, productive conversation. His family has established boundaries as have you....it seems as if he's testing them to see if they are firm.
I hope you can be gentle with you today and I'm sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am new here and I am going through some of the same things. This is my second marriage to an A. Once wasn't enough for me I have grown up in this toxic environment and want so desperately to break the chains of addiction. I hope that I can learn the tools I need to survive and live my life in a healthy way. I have told my AH "no more alcohol in my house" I don't trust that without true help that he will be able to do it. But from reading the stories on here I am seeing that I am not alone and there is help for us too. I love the 3 C's. We do not CAUSE them to drink, we cannot CURE it, and we cannot CONTROL it. It is so heartbreaking to love someone and not be able to help them. I am a nurse and helping people is what I do, except here in my own home and marriage. I just have to pray and give it to the HP. Sending you positive feelings today.
Thank you Grateful. I am working my tools this a. m. for sure. I ended up putting my phone in âDo not disturbâ mode, but still didnât keep my mind from running! I think I said the Serenity Prayer like a rosary! LOL! This is what I texted him this morn: âIn regards to your other text, I was serious when I told you I could not live with addiction. Iâve gone to lots of meetings and am trying to work on myself this last month, and I know one thing is for sure, I cannot live with the possibility of relapse in my life. It is a crippling fear that I cannot seem to get over. I am sorry if that makes me someone that is not who you want or what you want. So yes, I am not planning on moving back.â
Weâll see if this way of saying will stick in his brain.
Thank you all for your support! It means so much to kno I am not alone in all this!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I think it is so interesting how self centered the A's in their disease. When you go to all the trouble of moving all he can think about is his loss.
When I left the ex A i felt raw and angry and exhausted. I keft a lot of stuff behind. I thonk I only got over being angry about it recently. These days I cannot imagine how I expected someone like him to be responsible.
We had a whole lot of pet issues. I finally took alk the pets which was a huge hardship fot me. He did not take care of them.
I know it is a time of really mixed emotion for you.
The exA went onto rely on his extended family which was a hige burden on an already overstretched household.
He was oblivipus.
I imagine he still is. Right now he luves with his mother.
I am so frateful to bfresh away from that insamity.
In my own confusion I kept expecting him to return to a more functional time. I now know that was a mirage. Alcoholics are good at creating these mythic images. That way when yoi.complain about them people say #who are you talking about#
In their view. You are the problrm. As long as you are not caretaking they make up all kinds of stuff about you.
I have grown up in this toxic environment and want so desperately to break the chains of addiction. I hope that I can learn the tools I need to survive and live my life in a healthy way. I have told my AH "no more alcohol in my house" I don't trust that without true help that he will be able to do it. But from reading the stories on here I am seeing that I am not alone and there is help for us too. I love the 3 C's. We do not CAUSE them to drink, we cannot CURE it, and we cannot CONTROL it. It is so heartbreaking to love someone and not be able to help them. I am a nurse and helping people is what I do, except here in my own home and marriage. I just have to pray and give it to the HP. Sending you positive feelings today.