The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My alcoholic wife keeps relapsing every 3-6 months. Now I realize she needs to go to AA regularly and she has had spurts where she stuck with it for a long while.. But I believe the burden she carries is too much for her, even after talking to her sponsor about this and at the tables.
The burden she has been carrying is from long ago.. Her older sisters boyfriend / now husband, drove her out to the woods on an atv then stopped for a smoke, he then made advices and basically bribed her into giving him a bj.. Sadly she complied.
She loves her sister and deeply regrets it ever happened. She carried this burden for years and coincides with years her alcoholism. Now 30 years later it still affects her.
I know, and so does she, that Step 9 says "except to do so would injury them or others" but at this point, I believe the only way she is going to get past this is to make amends to her sister.
I've had about enough of these drinking binges and Im about to file for divorce, which would make it her second divorce due to drinking.
Is this a case of her confessing to her sister, or should she continue to carry this burden, or should I just file for divorce and let her figure it out?
-- Edited by Pageplayer on Friday 29th of September 2017 07:52:40 PM
If she had a sponsor step out of the way and let her handle it that way. When I was in situations like this where I was too close to the issue I spoke to my sponsor and turned my alcoholic/addict wife over to hers including our mutual Higher Powers. She needs to fix herself. (())
Hi, I like what Jerry says...I would step out of the way, do my life, pursue my health and happiness wherever my HP leads me in that pursuit and this is something she is gonna have to work out herself...hopefully she has a sponsor?? or a recovery partner???? if not, it getskinda hard, but still...I would get out of the way and let things happen as they must because really, in truth, you are absolutely powerless over her binges and her choices.....SHE has to make that move to get help and WANT IT....I hope you continue to work your program here in Al-anon...focus on you...Where you are at now..Where yu want to be..What you have to do to have that better life...working the program steps, and meets, sponsor guidance or get a good recovery partner, and work on you....discover you and where you want to be............I know its hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves and its tough that sometimes we even have to leave them to preserve our own life and sanity and emotional health, but life never guaranteed us anything and it isn't fair a lot of times...We just have to do our best and make our own fairness.......I hope this made sense....its bedtime......Glad you are here....Keep coming back...this program really works
Hey Pageplayer - welcome to MIP! Glad you found us and so glad that you joined right in. Alcoholism is baffling, cunning and powerful and too much for most - the drinker as well as the family. AA is for the drinker, and Al-Anon is or friends and family. Often we (friends and family) develop unhealthy coping tools and/or unhealthy reactions to the diseased and diseased without even realizing/knowing it.
It is in Al-Anon recovery that I learned more about the disease, the diseased and my response to the insanity. Once I became aware, I was able to use the program and work on changing what I can - me. I too work closely with a sponsor so to stay in my 'own lane' and to continue my own journey.
My best suggestion would be to attend a few meetings and get a feel for how this disease affects us (friends and family). It's been a game changer for me, and I've been able to let go of my alcoholic(s) and leave the results up to a higher power that I get to define.
There is always hope and help in recovery - hope you feel less alone and keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am sorry to hear that your wife is struggling with her sobriety and that you are struggling in the marriage. In my experience with alcoholics, it was never ever one thing that kept the alcoholic drinking or not drinking. Many many people have engaged in things that they are ashamed of, yet find and stick with sobriety/recovery after having had a spiritual awakening. The only amends for me that ever works is a living amends, I cant undo the past no matter how much I would like to sometimes. My recovery cannot be dependant on the forgiveness of someone else. Its an inside job. Perhaps you could suggest therapy to your wife to process this issue and then step back and allow her to do as she sees fit.
My experience witj alcoholism is that alcoholucs drink both ways they drink when times are good. They drink when times are bad.
Generally when people are like your brother in law they dont do a one off deal. They generally have a pattern of behavior. We alk like to think that we can stop someone from engaging with someone who had destrictove patterns. If he has a pattetn of that behavior, then it is mist likely your sister innlaw is aware of it.
I have a friend who continues to engage with a man who cheats on her all the time. I have had to reconcile myself with the issue that she is an adult and I.cannot pry her away from him.
The steps are in order for a reason they are sequential. The idea being as you build up a program you get to a point of geing able to make wise decisions. The idea is also to work them with a process of progressive sobriety.
If you were to go to a AA meeting you would hear people talking about one of the key amends us to yourself.
Personally I would say I had many complicated issues with my sisters. I thoughy the absolute key was to comfront snd have a discussion with them about it. I certainly did talk to them on more than one occasion. Nevertheless, the real work of resolving and coming to peace with those relationships is
and waa entirely outside of an inteaction with them.
The other ideal, of course, is for anyone in recovery is to work the steps in conjunction with a sponsor. Having a sponsor is
one way to interpret the steps. I have had more than one sponsor and they certainly heloed me to sort out a great deal.
Encouraging your wife to be in a program is a good idea. Gettong a sponsor is a good idea. Going to meetings is a good idea.
Being around an active alcoholic is always difficult. They can be very frustrating. Personally I find petty much.any interaction to be #sticky#. Getting supoort around that has been key for me
I know leaving or not leaving an alcoholic was alwaysban isdue for me. Certainly getting to places where I could make decisions for me was key. That was far from the only problem in my life
There is no good reason for continuously relapsing. While I empathise with your wife's plight and history, ALL people come to AA with baggage and most women in AA have sexual abuse histories. She has to make the decision to be a survivor anyhow. I'm telling you this for YOUR own alanon program. Any time an alcoholic tries to say they have something so dark, different, unique or special that stops them from recovering, it is a load of bullcrap. I'm not trying to sound callous but it helps to know and recognize alcoholic insanity, which is using something bad that happened to you as an excuse to keep hurting yourself and making your life bad.
Thanks everyone. Last night she ran to grocery store to pick up a few things in preparation for our evening bbq. It had been a good day and I was looking forward to relaxing and watching a movie. But when she returned, within 15 minutes I could tell she drank. (she likes to slam those tiny vodka bottles) Needles to say we pretty much argued the rest of the night. Mostly about the car keys that I hid to keep her from getting more and driving drunk.
I read a lot of the posts here after posting my original post. And have decided to proceed with the divorce. I've been dealing with this for 6 years.. No more
My concern is where will she go.. my name is on the house and my attorney has told me the court will tell her to take her vehicle and and things and go. Are there halfway houses that will take her since she has no assets to get an apartment? Her family wont take her in because they've been living this longer than me.
-- Edited by Pageplayer on Sunday 1st of October 2017 08:16:47 AM
Pageplayer - there are resources to include sober living for those who want to get and stay sober. My son is in an oxford house this time round and he's stayed sober longer than ever before. I am a huge believer in them now as he has to be responsible/accountable for his sobriety as well as his chores, clean up, meetings, etc. It's provided the right balance of structure/freedom for him this time so far.
It's not his first time in sober living, yet this time it's helping --- which helps me understand that for recovery to happen, one really must want it!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Halfway will not take her actively drinking. Detox and rehab is where she should start. For you, you dont have to divorce "today." Do what you have to do to keep yourself sane in the midst of the chaos for right now.
))