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Had a stupid spat with my wife. It ended after she picked up a piece of broken glass from a picture frame and started purposefully cutting herself. I called 911 and she has been taken to the hospital on a 5150 hold. To her this is the ultimate humiliation. She will never forgive me for that.
My kids only saw the police and EMTs but are confused about what is happening. I just told them that mommy is sick and needed more help. I don't know what to do next.
I haven't been in this exact situation, but have had to call an ambulance for my husband multiple times in the past. This is the time for "one day, one hour, one minute" at a time. If the doctors need to talk to you, they will call.
My gut feeling says to relax in knowing the professionals at the hospital are doing their job, and just do the next right thing -- focus on reassuring the kids and helping them feel safe.
ER doc just called and said that she's likely to be discharged but she's going to go stay with a friend. No idea who this friend is but I'm hoping and praying it is someone from AA. My heart just feels pulverized right now.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this... That's the disease holding us hostage at times like this, and its terrible... Take care, I hope the kids are OK. ((((Hugs)))) to you all
Kids were a bit bewildered but I told the younger ones that mommy was just sick and had to go to the hospital. They seemed to accept that. My older one knows a little more. He saw his mom crying before I called and asked me why. I told him she was upset. I don't want them to think there's something wrong with their mother but I had to explain it somewhat to my son because I had him entertain the girls while the deputies were here. I didn't tell him she hurt herself.
You did not cause this, no matter how heated your spat got, she made the decision to harm herself and she alone will make the decision to drink or not. Either way, its not your fault. You cant control this disease in her and you cant cure her no matter what. Take care of you and let her go on whatever path she chooses for herself.
I am so sorry to hear of this. It sounds like some powerful program work that you did throughout. loving detachment by calling professionals instead of enabling or trying to fix things yourself. Caring for the children, helping them feel safe and secure, putting first things first. Posting here, reaching out for support for yourself. More loving detachment by not interfering with your wife's decision about where she was going.
Sending positive thoughts for you and your children.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you. Still feel terrible which at this point is mainly due to not sleeping and when I did it was fitful. Skorpi I appreciate your compliments but I played my part. I let her goad me into a fight. But yes I understand that her actions were hers. But it was scary and now I can't finish this sentence because I'm in the bathroom crying.
I am so sorry that you and the family are going through this. What came to mind was this: your wife staying with a friend might be HP taking over....guiding her and giving you both a little breather before she returns home. Remember.....although we don't know why.....there are reasons our events happen.
(((Westman))) - so very sorry for how the disease has affected you, your wife and the family. I too have not had this exacting situation, yet am sending you tons of compassion, positive thoughts and prayers. When we talk about this disease being cunning, baffling and powerful -- these situations are so spot on. The disease pulls at the alcoholic, telling them it's OK to drink. The alcoholic fights the desire/compulsion/pull and without help, it becomes too much. The family and friends apply practical and logical thinking, wondering why the drinking just can't stop. There is chaos, drama and then choices/consequences.
At times like this in my life/recovery, I have truly leaned into the fellowship and my sponsor. I have been reminded over and over again that doing the logical, sane, right thing is NOT WRONG. Even when it feels uncomfortable and even when/if I am told it is by the A, I've been asked to consider my actions as if this were not my A, just another human being on this earth. Assuming a good heart and some sanity, we would call for help for anyone who was harming self or others. This disease has family and friends thinking that the 'next right thing' doesn't apply with an A, and it's not true...
I suggest, if possible that you breathe, breathe and then be super gentle with you. If we were tooled and schooled to cure the disease, we would not have or need recovery. We aren't - it's larger than anyone of us or even the collective us. The realization of the progression is a huge shock to the system, and taking care of you as best you can is being of service to your children.
Know that you are not alone and we are here as best we can be. Lean in to your HP and program and I'm with those above who suggest staying present...in the here and now. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Be gentle with yourself. You played your "part" in it, but just your part. You can learn from this exchange how you would rather act next time to feel better about 'your' behavior. That is what al-anon can help with - remembering who we are and what we want our parts to be like. No one is perfect in a crisis. You did the right thing by calling EMS. A few things that help me: feelings are just feelings. Feel them, and let them go. Feelings are not facts. Keep coming back :)
So sorry Westman, those chaotic, crazy, high anxiety times are no fun for anyone, and especially the reasonable adult who is left to clean up the mess. You get kudos from me for keeping your wits and making sure the children were okay.
I agree with Iamhere that doing the logical, sane, right thing is not wrong. We are convinced by the A that we "overreacted" to these incidents, and yet, if it would have been someone else, a stranger we would definitely have done just what we did for the A. Do not allow your mind to judge yourself harshly. Extreme circumstances call for extreme measures.
I hope you find some peace today. That is my prayer for you.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Thank you for telling me I did the right thing. When we reconnected this morning the first thing she told me was it was BS what I did. Even one of the deputies last night told me that even though the cuts were superficial it could have easily become worse. Logically I know this but the fallout brings doubt. She now wants to split.
Westman,
I am sorry this is going on in your life. Alcoholism brings insanity to our world . That is why step one is that we admitted that we were powerless over alcoholism and our life had become unmanageable. Cutting oneself is not normal, you did the right thing calling the police. Even though your wife says that it was BS, what is important is how it made you feel. That is why Alanon exist so that people like you and me have some where to come to about how we are doing. I would have been frightened in that situation especially with children in the house. I hope things calm down for you soon.
So sorry for the chaos in your family at the moment. It is a scary thing to witness someone self injuring. I believe that you did do the right thing. The insanity of the family disease has us second guessing everything we do or say. Any sane rational person would summon help . My daughter was upset with me when I called the police when she went MIA. I calmly told her that when you choose the behaviour then you choose the consequences. I was deathly worried about her at that time and would do it again if I felt it necessary. She got over it quickly and I focused on restoring my own peace
I've called the police on my son for insane extreme behaviour he's got a criminal record because of me. Alcoholism brings us choices we aren't in the habit of making so of course we feel terrible. I like the fact that I did the best with what I had at the time. The preamble tells us alcoholism is too much for most of us. It was too much for me. I needed help from services like the police and now I need help from alanon because I'm in recovery from the damage the disease has done. So are you and you deserve help and support and understanding.
(((Westman))) practice, not perfection. Remember to be gentle with yourself.
Alcoholism is a disease. It is crazy--making. It tries to trick us into thinking that abnormal things are normal and acceptable.
When I started the program, I discovered that when my wife was extremely angry because of what I had done or said, that meant that I was beginning to take care of myself, stand up for myself, and put the program into practice in my life. I was establishing boundaries for things that were and were not acceptable to me, and she didn't like that. Did I handle those conversations, disagreements, arguments in the best way possible? Probably not. If I knew then what I knew now, and if I had the additional years of practice in the program, I might have been able to handle things in a slightly different and better way. But that is a big might, and I am my worst critic.
Without support, living with the disease of alcoholism is too much for most of us. I am glad that you turned to the support available to you. Each action we take has a natural consequence. What I see is you learning to allow those natural consequences happen for your wife. You are doing great.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I hear you Skorpi. I am frequently told how mean I am if I assert myself or stand firm for what I need. This trips me up because I can have a slight temper and will snap at people sometimes. It is something I work on. But I've noticed the "mean" card seems to be overplayed especially when I'm saying something someone doesn't want to hear.
I am so sorry to hear about your wife. I had to call the cops to do a wellness check on my husband a few years back when I kicked him out of the house and he went on a bender. He had threatened suicide on the phone with me so I made the decision to have the cops get involved. Yes it was a very humiliating situation for my husband but I am so glad that I did it. It just made him realize that much more that he had a problem. They kept him over night until he sobered up then they had a psychologist talk to him to see if he was really suicidal. In the end they determined he wasn't suicidal and let him out. He is an extremely private person and was completely mortified but him having to deal with the consequences of his disease was the best thing that could have happened to him. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for your wife. Sending positive thoughts to you and your family.
(((Westman))) - I too have a temper that can flair up easily. I also work on it and know and am OK that I am not perfect. It is through the grace of others in this program that I have had to accept that even when I react in a negative manner, I am only responsible for my side of the street. Truly nothing I do today will 'make' another get sober, stay sober, drink or worse. I accept this and believe it deeply as a result of this program and when I doubt that or try to own other people's 'stuff', it is my sponsor who can help talk me down.
Be gentle with you and trust the program/process. This disease and the diseased will keep trying to convince you that black is white and white is black - know your truth...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hey Westman
What a difficult spot to be in. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I think you did the right thing by calling for assistance. When someone harms themselves it is beyond your capability to manage that yourself. You needed help. We all play a part in arguments but we are all responsible for our own actions. Although I haven't been through this exact scenario before with my AH but I have some experience with it at work. I think you did the best you could in an impossible situation and got her to people who could help her. I'm sorry to hear she's mad about how you handled it.
I get called mean too when I set a boundary or refuse to get caught up in the drama of the disease. I kind of understand it in a way. I don't believe I am mean but I can see that my behaviour has drastically changed from the past when I would get caught up in the drama trying to manage an unmanageable disease. Now when I admit defeat or my inability to control it I think my AH sees it as me giving up on him. I don't believe I give up on him but I give up on trying to change him. Keep on moving forward one moment at a time for now. I believe you are on the right path even if it is difficult at this moment. Sending well wishes to you and your family.
Aloha Westman I am sad and concerned and nervous with you about this event. I have also gone thru it enough with the program that I lost all negative concern about the consequences after I did what I did. The program taught me and teaches detachment and letting go and so I do the best I can with what I have and don't worry about flak. Flak isn't serious if after the fact you saved somebody's life. Alcoholics and addicts who have emotional and mental issues and tend to be "hackers" need people like yourself who will call a halt to the act out. I've done it more than once and several times it included my alcoholic/addict. There needs to be at least one rational courageous person around that yells out, "Ok stop the game"!! I was sitting a dispatch board one night with the CHIPs when I got a call asking for info on a dui on the highway. I gave the officer the best information to take her out of her car and out of the community and he did. That was my alcoholic/addict wife. No problem, no resentment, no anger and no hesitation. I hope what you have posted here will encourage many of us to duplicate it. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I don't think I've had better positive outcomes with Al-Anon than I have with this situation. I'm still in it and it still sucks for sure. But I have had such peace and stillness of mind around all of this that I now know that Al-Anon works. I don't know why exactly but it does.
I should be a wreck right now. And for a few moments here and there I am but I recover quickly and am on to the next thing. I take my older kids to a game night on some Fridays and I should have been too anxious to go. To worried someone might suspect something is wrong and start asking questions. But we went and had a blast. We had a plan to have some people at our house today. The day after the incident I was thinking I should cancel but felt bad because some people were really looking forward to the gathering. I thought my AW wouldn't be able to handle the company. I ended up letting go and it was a fantastic time for everyone.
Hi WestMan thanks for sharing such positive outcomes Good job!! Your hard work in program has become part of your response system.The courage, serenity and wisdom that we pray for has become part of your processing. I am happy for you.
Westman I inventory those events to help me make more positive decisions on working the program. Working the program has become a habit which is very second nature to me and therefore more easily successful. I am amazed how this program works along with the suggestions and slogans and meetings and literature and all of it. Keep coming back...keep on keeping on. (((hugs)))
Its really great to hear about your experience with the program, Westman :) I also have seen similar effects in my life, and there's a lot to be grateful for :)
As a licensed mental health counselor, I would say you DEFINITELY did the right thing. Even IF she was making self-harm gestures/actions for "effect", being committed IS the standard and appropriate response as well as a good personal boundary for you. That would haave happened to her in any other setting. Why are you expected to just watch that? NO! I also had to do this to my ex and also got flack about it. At that time, my boundaries had been treaded on so many times...Now, I would say "You left me no choice and I will do the same if you do that again. This is not up for discussion." You can empathise with her feelings without going back on your boundaries.
Feeling a little more out of sorts today but not too bad. Overall I'd say I'm ok. Our kids are my main concern. I have noticed some subtle changes. The older ones seem to be behaving better than usual but I'm not sure this would be such a good thing in this case. They may feel as though they have to walk on egg shells. I'm trying to be supportive and watch my own behavior as well. We've mostly kept up the usual routines and I think this is very helpful.
I'm more committed to the program than ever before. It is my lifeline. Talking or texting with my sponsor each day. I'm succeeding in some key aspects but also keeping in mind that these successes are relative and that I still have a long way to go.
It would be nice to have an alateen group available for the kids as you have Al-Anon available for you. Get literature for them and keep yours available for them too. I have compassion and empathy for you and your wife as the disease gnarls at your lives. I still have the picture in my mind of your wife "cutting" That deserves as much empathy available. God bless and keep you all in God's Palms of his hands. ((((hugs))))
Westman... sending you positive thoughts and support. You did exactly the right thing. My teen wanted nothing to do with going to Alateen, but he is seeing his own therapist - had cutting issues a couple years ago & he just likes her so much that he wanted to keep going. He is happy and well-adjusted now... therapy worked for him... and he is not a sharer!! I found that he really listens to my "Al-Anon talk." So hopefully it is rubbing off. Be patient with yourself, and keep looking after those kiddos!!
Peace
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you. I have much to think about, extra support for my kids being one of them. I think we may need to be in mediation before I can bring it up though. She's not keen on me going to Al-Anon because it might make her look bad or something. When I brought up our son going once before she recoiled at the suggestion. I know I will need to facilitate this happening but I have to be smart and measured. I feel like I'm walking on a plank over a pit of snakes and scorpions. I can see safety on the other side and can move towards it but I have to go slowly, one step at a time.
-- Edited by WestMan on Tuesday 3rd of October 2017 12:46:08 AM
(((Westman))) - sending you continued thoughts and prayers. I believe a mediator would be an awesome idea as it gives a buffer to deliver messages in a challenging situation. While counseling did not work well in our family for resolutions, it did give me support in expressing my needs and tools to better communicate when I had to.
Keep coming back - the program does work when we work it and you're doing it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am feeling the same way. I find that I have arrived at a crossroads in this life with my ah. Now to find a map and make an attempt to head in the right direction. I am thankful for the support that I have found here and wish the best to all. You are doing a great job putting your kids needs first. Remember to take care of you too.
