The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still sick with this cold/asthma that is taking a toil on me. I am so exhausted and feeling so miserable, I can not even stand myself. I guess I just want someone to love me as I go through this sickness and validate me and hold me and just assure I will get through this. I am tired so tired of being strong, mentally, emotionally, physically for so long that I am exhausted! I feel so tired of keeping it together,and now I feel weak and venerable and there is no-one to comfort me. It hurts, it hurts bad. I have always had to look after everyone, keep it all together, and now that I am sick, and struggling to get better, I am like a child, alone and so scared. There is none there, like it has been like that all my life! This emptiness hurts, it hurts so much. It hurts that no-one cares or is there to help me. I am angry, I am hurt, I am so sad! I am so empty! I struggle to breath, to get better and its not happening! I am so depressed, that I just think what If..what If..What if..then my mind races to think of what if I were to die tomorrow, would anyone care, if I were to to leave and start a new life else where would anyone care? I feel as though no-one cares.
I am in a rough place right now as I continue to be sick and just want love and assurance..assurance I will never receive from the abf, never, and I am angry, angry, and hurt, that he is a cold, heartless ashore and I regret every being with him. I deserve a man that will treat me with love and dignity at a time like this when I am sick, and weak I want a man that will love me and treat me special, and being with the abf I am never, going to get this, never. I am angry, so angry. I hate reality, and I will get better somehow and when I do, I will move on! I do not deserve this treatment from him, when I am sick and need help and instead I am ignored and treated like crap! I hate the abf, I hate the situation I am in! I just hate my life today!
I needed to let this frustration go, before I exploded!
I am sorry you are still not feeling well. It is hard to be sick when you are alone. Just stay strong and lean on your higher power. Expecting something from someone else who cannot deliver it will only cause you to be more stressed out. I had to break the cycle of feeling empty and neglected by getting off the merry go round. Saying prayers for a speedy recovery.
(((Joker))) - so sorry you are still sick and tired - sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers.....Vent away - I find it healing when I dump it out for others to share.....hang in there and keep trying to take good care of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Joker. I am sorry that you are feeling so alone and rotten. I hear you and I understand. We all need comfort and compassion when we are hurting but we don't always get it from the sources we expect, deserve or want it from. I sincerely hope that you find your strength and recover from this soon,. Hugs
I remember feeling frightened when I was sick, it felt very lonely and as if I didn't matter. I didn't eat for a few days and of course AH didn't notice. Eventually I decided that even if I didn't matter, life mattered to me and I hauled myself out of bed to make some chicken broth. Although I didn't know it at the time I now think that was the beginning of my learning to be my own best carer. Of course there are times when we simply don't have the physical strength to take care of ourselves and we have to reach out for help from people who are capable of helping. You do matter and they will come.
Your anger at the boyfriend sounds healthy to me, for me there seems to be some great energy in what you write. I am so sorry that you've been treated painfully, it sounds like neglect. I hope that this MIP family is helping you to see that you do matter and that we believe in you. I remember feeling very grateful for my MIP family sometimes (in fact most of the time!!) .
You will get better and I found that after a similar experience I came out of it wiser as well. Sending healing ((((((hugs))))))
Im sorry you are feeling so low Joker and being ill as well. I hear you and I understand the desire for someone to care. I learned that others can only give me what they have to give.
Your bf is an alcoholic active or not, the chances are he is giving you all he can. If you judge that as not enough then its about looking at where you get your needs met. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results and I was insane for years because I would have the mental list of all the ways I was failed in my relationships and how others werent living up to my expectations and the only way to go with that belief system is down, lower and lower into disappointment, resentment and depression. constantly looking for my needs met in the same places over and over is insanity.
When I accepted the limitations of others and stopped believing my needs should be met by other flawed humans then I learned I can get my needs met in other places and in Alanon I got myself a support group that truly understood and a higher power in the form of the group and God. Then Im not alone feeling uncared for and in fact Im meeting most of my own needs with the loving support of Alanon and my higher power.
(((Joker))) I am sorry you are feeling so ill and that you are struggling with these emotions.
I see (or rather hear) you, and I care.
Sending healing thoughts your way.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
