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Hello- I am new here and found this forum in looking for some resources. I am just fully realizing that my husband is an alcoholic and there is a real problem. Admittedly, he is not new to addiction. 9 years ago he injured his back and was prescribed ridiculous quantities of opiates and xanax which were prescribed to him for over 3 years. This all ended with a horrible overdose suicide attempt that did really almost kill him- after 6 weeks in a coma he came around and miraculously he had no long lasting effects. After this incident, he was diagnosed as being bi-polar and started taking medication. He no longer took any pain meds and was free of any addiction- the meds seems to help him and things were really good.
About two years ago, I began to suspect he was drinking, which he had never done before, and I started to find random bottles of vodka around the house. This went on for about 6 months during which time he would lie to me about it, but finally I really confronted him. He stated he started to drink to help with his back pain since he was not taking any pain meds. He quit cold turkey and things started to go well again for the next 18 months- until this past July. During this time, I started to notice the smell of alcohol on him. I would question him and he would deny it. Finally, I found a bottle around the house and confronted him. He said he would stop, but then I found another. I have been openly talking with him about it for the past week and stressing that it needs to stop. He was agreeing and said he would- since he was able to do it in the past, I thought we would be able to get past it.
However, tonight I suspected he was drinking again and he ended up getting extremely upset. While not directed at me, he threw his phone against the wall, broke a glass and a plate. He then cleaned up everything, took the trash outside and then proceeded to pass out in our yard. While he was not violent to me (more so to himself), I have never seen him like this and it was quite scary. I was finally able to get him up and into bed. He is now passed out and sleeping. I am so scared, worried and upset and just not sure what to do. I do feel that perhaps I have been "overtalking" to him about the situation- however, we do talk about everything in our marriage, especially since his suicide attempt.
Aside from the alcohol, we do have a good relationship and solid marriage. We both work from home and are together all day- he is a hands on dad to his teenage son from a previous marriage (thank goodness he wasn't here tonight) which we share custody of, he drives the car pools to sports, does the laundry, maintains the yard- all the things you would really want from a husband. Likewise, he has never been violent toward me. I am so confused on what to do from here- talking does not seem to be helping and if anything its making it worse. I do not want to enable him and I want him to know that this is not okay with me. However, while he hasn't said anything, I know if i left him, he would commit suicide. He has gotten really close before and he has been quite honest that it is me that keeps him wanting to live. I am just so confused, scared and overwhelmed - I also feel a bit alone as I really can't talk to anyone about this.
Guess i would welcome any sight from anyone who has been through this on what to and how to approach things moving forward.
you have just completed step one. Admitted you were powerless over alcohol. Your awareness is a great asset. Along a candid assessment of your situation. We have all bin there, done that, one way or another... ...we understand, like no other can, what it is like- out there on the front line. Do keep coming back... we always need each other, and reminders... that there is no difficulty too great to be lessened.
Welcome Ccane, there is so much awareness in your post and that is really helpful.
I find that my husband's alcoholism and depression can suck me into so much worry and I forget to look after myself - for a while I lost that sense of awareness. It is a huge amount of pressure to be told that we are the only reason why someone chooses to stay alive and I came to the conclusion that we don't deserve to have to take responsibility over another adult to that extent. But what is the alternative??!!
One of the best resources I have come across is face to face Al Anon meetings. These gave me a chance to see, first hand, how others were doing in the midst of this crazy making situation of living with an alcoholic. I had an on-going 'please stop' conversation with my husband but eventually I just made him want to dig his heels in and I as someone who doesn't particularly like to be told what to do I can see how that can happen.
His choices were not about me, it is human nature to become resistant to the word 'don't' when it is repeated too often and once we have said our piece talking can sometimes become counter-productive. I found that I needed to believe in and treat my husband like an adult and let him take responsibility for himself which, given some of his choices, was very difficult to do!!
Learning to live my life healthily and with enjoyment was, for me, the best example I could set to my AH. He knew that I wasn't happy about some of his choices, he ignored that and eventually I had to move out for a while so that it was clear that my actions could speak louder than my words. I had to do this for my own sanity, not for his btw!!
Living alongside alcoholism was more than I could cope with on my own and the support of this group and those in face to face meetings has been hugely helpful and an essential part of my life. It is not an easy situation.
Welcome CCane, I am glad you found your way to MIP.
Addiction is a progressive and deadly disease.
We did not cause it, we cannot control it, and we cannot cure it.
Those lessons were hard for me to learn, and it is only through my own work in AlAnon that I can say those things with confidence and see the truth in them in my life.
I, too, see fantastic clarity in your post. I hope you keep coming back to MIP and try out some face-to-face AlAnon groups. It helped me tremendously to share about my struggles and listen to other people's stories. There is wisdom and strength in the AlAnon groups that helped me through some really rough parts of my marriage.
AlAnon helped me to define what was and was not acceptable to me, clearly state my boundary, and enforce my boundaries with loving detachment.
I, too, had many conversations with my spouse about drinking. What I found was that, when my spouse was in the throws of addiction, it didn't matter what was said. What was going to happen was more drinking. By enforcing my boundaries, I was able to stop enabling and my spouse was able to hit bottom and find recovery.
Keeping my focus on myself, learning to care for myself, and learning to live one day at a time have made a huge and lasting difference in my life.
Keep coming back. We have all been where you are, in one way or another, and we know you are not dealing with an easy situation.
((((hugs))))
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Hello cCane - I too welcome you to MIP. I am glad you found us and also glad that you shared. While each of our stores may be different, often times the efforts, thoughts, feelings, drama, chaos and insanity is similar and in a nut shell, we get lost in the fog of the disease - alcoholism.
It's progressive as stated above and is never cured. It can be treated if one wants to treat it and is considered a family disease. This is because rarely is a member of a family left untouched. Al-Anon is for friends and family affected by the drinking/drugging in another. I do suggest you seek out and attend face to face meetings where you live - that's where I found 'my tribe' - people I could be honest with and who never judged me or offered me advice. Instead, they shared their own Experience, Strength & Hope (ESH) with the hopes that some tidbit shared will help another in their journey.
I too love and enjoy my guy. I not like him very much when he's under the influence. We met and married in AA, and I stayed sober but he did not. It's been a 'long, strange trip' but we've survived. We would not have done so had I not found Al-Anon.
So sorry for what brings you to us, but grateful you've arrived. Please know you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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