The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I had an anxiety attack. Yesterday afternoon my daughter's father called me and told me that I am not to send my daughter any more letters, pictures, cards...I am not to call his home or visit my daughter. That hit me really hard, because I am really powerless of it at this point. My husband is not working his porgram as he said he would. I got my hopes and yes, expectations up when he said he was ready for help, and that is my problem-not his. I just really thought he was ready. I started feeling all sorts of fear, anxiety, anger and resentment building inside of me. I am sure all who read my post and those who heard me in chat thought I had turned into a crazy maniac. Thank you for those who replied to my post and thank you to those in chat who helped me to calm down. Mastiff, My toes are bright pink this morning! Thanks to everyone. I love you all!
It is soo easy to be happy and healthy when everything is going well, but a true test of your support group is when things are all going bad at once... I am so glad you found comfort on the board when you really needed it.
Take care of you!
- r
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Even when we try not to get our hopes up, we just want so badly to believe in them and to believe that this time they mean it.
I imagine your hope and anxiety are even higher with the custody of your daughter involved. I can only imagine how much you want her home, and just want to be with her. It has to make the hurt with your A even worse.
I don't think your ex is being fair to you. Okay maybe he feels she is better with him right now, but that is no reason for him to be trying to stop you from having any contact or relationship with her. You are her mother. My A is not with us right now, and I don't want him alone with the kids, but he can still have contact with them, he chooses not to see them, but he speaks to them on the phone and if he wants to send them something that would be fine. He is there father and nothing can change that. You do have rights, and with her not lioving with you, she needs contact with you. She needs to know you love her, and that you want to be in her life. I don't know what your relationship with her father is, but maybe you could reason with him. Make him see what is best for her. If not then maybe you could go to the courts and petition for contact and visitation. I don't think I would stop at anything to hold one of my children in my arms.
Whatever your husband is doing, there has to be a way that you do not have to give up your daughter. The courts try to encourage parental contact, even if it is supervised.
You have no control over what your husband does, and you might have no control over where your daughter is living right now, but you do have some rights as to seeing her and speaking with her, writing to her etc. Look into them, for both you and her.
We all have bad days, and we all need support. I'm glad you reached out. Working your program has to be so hard, while missing your child, we can detach, but our children can leave a hole in our hearts like no one else can. be kind and gentle to yourself. Love to both you and your daughter.
ahhh how fun is that!!!!! for those not in the chatroom last night, I have a real good girlfriend in the program who told me about what she does when feeling ahead of herself, anxiety or a panic attack. She paints her toenails bright red! That way, whenever she feels those feelings, she just looks down at those bright red toenails. Where ever those toes are, is the only place she needs to be. It keeps her grounded in today, the very moment that she's in, where she is and reminds here where she is not. What a great idea huh?
love you too powerless, and love ya all too, Trina
Ps yup, you bet mine are bright red too! Lets start and mip fashion! rofl
I am with other people on this board. I don't think legally your exhusband can stop all contact with you. Obviously I also don't know the whole story. I do know that A's and other people who are into control are very good at bluffing and trying to create environments where they have total control.
My A tried that on me last year it almost cost me my sanity on many levels and was a very cruel thing to do. I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive him for it or ever give him my total trust and love again because of it. Eventually their pathology does get to you. I can see how he got you at a weak point. I am glad that you came to this room and started back on the journey to being centered again.
I know honoring my weak points is key for me. There are certain things I feel incredibly vulnerable around. My health is one of them, finances is another. I try to take my life much much slower these days and make a lot of time for me. I am not off out fixing everyone anymore. I still have a lot of love and concern for others but I don't act on it in the same way. I try to take life at a a much much slower pace so I can attend to my issues. I do not over focus on the A's chaos anymore. I know some of what he is doing and what is going on for him. I do not try to influence him on it. I do not offer help, suggestions, ideas, comments in the same way I once did. I make a lot more time for me and that involves working my program a lto which is rather time consuming at times (a couple of hours a day normally).
Right now i just take it one day at a time. If I try to go beyond that I am lost somewhere in anticipation and anxiety. I can manage it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Right now getting ahead of myself is not something I want to do.
I'm so glad you got the info you were looking for and felt supported. I haven't got children but if I did and my A had tried to stop me having any contact with them I'm absolutely convinced I would have more than an anxiety attack! Probably a total melt-down. One of the three reasons I was obliged to provide when divorcing my A was that he was making it difficult for me to spend quality time with my nieces and nephews. Sounds strange I know but A's do funny things when they're drinking and I was divorcing him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. My contact with them was very important to me as we were a close family and that was one thing he was not going to deprive me of because of his alcoholism! The point I'm trying to make is that the courts agreed this was unreasonable and as this is your daughter I'm sure you would be in a stronger position. Obviously, I don't know the details of your circumstances but I don't think legally he can prevent you from having at least some contact with your daughter. You may need to go through the courts to fight for your rights.
If you went a little 'crazy maniac', in my opinion, that's perfectly understandable and I for one have definitely been there and done that. I love Mastiff's friends idea and though I do indeed paint my nails when trying to calm down and get a better perspective I didn't think of it as a way of grounding myself in the here and now. Next time I'm getting ahead of myself I'm going to look down at those little tootsies, even if I'm in the middle of the supermarket and have to take my shoes off to do it! Priceless idea! If you hadn't updated us that's one I'd have missed so thanks for sharing. I wish you well.
so glad your here!