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Hi everyone, i haven't posted in ages, I wanted to check in - I am still reading all the time and reading everyone's stories keep me grounded and most importantly clear headed about the disease. This board is amazing. I have been apart from AH for two months after he was removed from our home for domestic violence. Things are starting to get much easier and I am so happy to be free of the chaos of living with my AH and finally breaking free from the stay or go question. i am trying to keep the focus on myself and my daughter, she is doing so well with the change. Overall she is happier and calmer, it's a blessing she is so young.
AH wants to reconcile, and is trying to guilt me in with obligation - he claims he is in AA now and making changes but a good friend just told me he called her drunk last night. Next week all limits on our contact will be lifted. I am feeling dread as I have been living in peace with extremely limited contact over the past two months. I know we need to communicate for our daughter and to have more closure - the thought of being with him again makes me feel physically ill. Any suggestions for keeping myself safe from the onslaught of manipulation and nastiness that is heading my way? I am sure he is hoping to move back in and get things back the way he wants. He has shown no remorse and I have seen some cracks in his pleasant facade already. How much "closure and explanation" do I owe him? I know he is my husband and our ending was traumatic and abrupt, but I can't imagine sitting down trying to explain why it's over. I wrote him a letter ages ago explaining that we were over. I feel like it will just give him an entry to twist things around on me. Thanks for any ESH.
Vicki you are dealing with your side of the disease and that alone is your responsibility. There is no law that can hold you to accepting the unacceptable and your marriage contract can for cause be broken. If that cause is your and your daughter's peace of mind and serenity and safety it is enough. There are many of us, harmed by the disease and the alcoholics and addicts who have simply ended it and created more acceptable conditions.
In the steps we speak about being brought to sanity by and with our Higher Powers which were now not the alcoholic, addict and or the disease. If you have found that your made a mistake it is your responsibility to go back and change it...."from my sponsor" and I did. You can too. In support. ((((hugs))))
Hello Vicki,
Recovery from a life with an alcoholic takes a longtime. I like the saying that nothing changes if nothing changes. I broke up with my ex-abf several times before it became final. At first it was very easy to fall for his manipulations. However. life might have been good for awhile but eventually alcoholism returned to our relationship causing the insanity once again. Some alcoholics might not be abusive and relationships can be repaired. That was not the case for me. It has been almost four years now since I have been by myself and my life is so much more peaceful. You do have to recognize that we too are sick and need to change our own habits and mindset. I hope things get better for you and you continue to find support from others in Alanon. You are not alone many of us have had the same journey.
Vicki, it is so nice to hear from you, and thank you very much for posting and giving an update as to your situation. Reading your post brought a smile to my face. You and your daughter are doing so well -- and I am so happy.
I read your post numerous times, and I was hoping you could clarify and elaborate on a few things...first, you said..."we need to communicate for our daughter and to have more closure..." Why? Is there a "need" for closure? Do you need to communicate on closure? Do you feel he wants it? Is entitled to it? Do you feel you need/want it Second, you said..."How much "closure and explanation" do I owe him?" Again, why do you ask? Do you feel you "owe" him closure and explanation? This has long been something I have struggled with. I have debated this for a long time. I have gone back and forth with my feelings and the pendulum keeps swinging.
Can you share, elaborate, etc. -- on what you are feeling and why? Thank you so much.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
(((Vicki))) - good to see you again and so glad to hear how you have put you first! In my small piece of the world, I am willing today to keep my peace as best I can. What that means is that I set boundaries for self-protection and self-preservation. I also detach from the insanity of others when I need to.
Living one day at a time (projection get's me in mental trouble), it helps me if I ask myself what can I do today to ensure I am aligned with my recovery/program/goals. Sometimes, that's meetings & program and other times, it includes research to know what my rights are and what my next step should be. If you have any concerns based on past experiences, perhaps you can extend the order? Perhaps you can ask for a child advocate to mediate interactions with him? Each city/county/state has a different process but I am sure there are services to support the re-entry process when there has been protection orders in place.
Lastly, I had to learn in recovery that I matter. I matter as much or more than all those I love beyond me. I have the right to 'say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean' at any time I need to be heard. I also have the right to block people on my phone or impose boundaries around discussions. My 'guys' tend to want what they want when they want it, so I've been known to say, "If you are forcing me to make a choice right now, the answer is NO." I have the right to say I am still healing and dealing with things inside my heart. I have the right to take as much time as I need to decide what's best for me/child.
Your post reminded me, "To thine own self, be True." Keep leaning into your serenity, program and progress and be gentle with you...(((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi everyone, thanks for the responses! I am still going to meetings and have started therapy, so I am definitely working on myself after this mess. Bo, after one especially unpleasant drop off with my daughter he said (regarding my lawyer contacting him to split our assets and write an agreement) "you're just pushing to end things without us even talking about this?" - which stopped me in my tracks and made me feel unreasonable. i know he is dragging his feet and especially doesn't want to let me buy him out of the house because that is the last big card he has to get our life back. I struggle with obligation and guilt (haha like most of us!) and I really want to avoid discussions with him. my heart believes we can have this heart to heart where we say we can't be together anymore but I still love you, etc. but the reality will be him telling me I am wrong and overreacting and hurting our daughter. He is a really smart guy and extraordinarily manipulative - more than he knows himself even. i guess for a normal breakup I always think it's nice to have a heartfelt conversation - so that is where it's hard, one side is like "he is your husband, you owe him that much!" And the other half is like "it's clearly over once the police remove you from the home and you get a separation notice From your wife's lawyers" - trying to protect myself i guess. Even since he has left, I doubt if some things were abusive even though they clearly were. It has only been two months and I am only just starting to feel better.
I kind of stand with the No is a complete sentence. What Jerry said resonates with me because it's about your side of the street. No one "owes" anyone an explanation as to why something didn't workout .. while it would be nice to talk and reason things out .. try talking to a fence post .. by no means do I suggest setting it on fire .. however there is no point of a discussion and for me my XAH was so delusional that in our divorce decree it actually states the only talking that will be done will be over the kids .. the actual last conversation I have had with him has been .. let's see .. about 2 years ago and it was not pleasant as he decided to not pay child support. There has never been a WORD to me about the kids. So whatever his reasoning is .. that is on him.
My experience has been the more contact with that kind of toxicity the more difficult it is to heal. I buy into the old tapes that no longer apply. I came to find I didn't have to respond if I didn't have an answer .. I really started by limiting contact to texting that way it was all in writing, email is good as well. It also gave me the ability to pick and choose what I wanted and needed to say. I had the luxury of reading my emails to my sponsor or a trusted friend. A couple of times I have gotten the ... thinking that might not be good to send. LOL .. so erase and back to the drawing board .. and I also either put a friend OR put no sender when composing a text because send is so not my friend. :) I do not listen to voice mail. Again .. this has completely eliminated contact because he's not driving the show .. and I'm not interested in playing .. LOL.
So all I can say is I don't see anything productive coming out of a conversation that you want to have because you are talking to a fence post .. fence posts don't listen .. fence posts do what fence posts do. If he is showing you who he is right this second .. please believe him. Nothing changes .. then nothing changes.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you Serenity and Iamhere - your words are so helpful. I can see now that I am getting pulled in by obligation and "doing the right thing" even at my own expense. I do have the ability to revoke any type of contact, which is nice to know. I can send him any written form of communication and amend things immediately - (don't phone any more, only email me, etc.) It's nice to have that reassurance and control. I have been enjoying the serenity and time to heal, the no contact was excruciating at first, but it gave me the space to truly see that I really don't want to be with him any more. I will focus on putting myself first and being the best mother to my daughter that I can. She makes it easier to see the right direction. I really appreciate the guidance, it's so helpful to me to hear from people who have been through this and found their way.
