The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since I have been in therapy, and reading Al-Anon material, I have had an ah moment and came to this conclusion. When I respond with my feelings to the alcoholic, I am responding/reacting from a child perspective. If my inner child is only 2 years old, I respond and react from a 2 year old perspective or if my inner child is 5 years old, I react from that place. It depends on when I stopped developing, just like the alcoholic.
However, if I respond with my mind, intellect, I am responding from an adult perspective. I know what the next right steps are, I know how to protect myself, I know when to remove myself from an explosive environment, I know what to do to keep myself sane. I know what I must do to be responsible for myself. I know how to take the next right steps forward.
I find for myself, the reason why I feel unable to make a decision and stick with it, and I feel confused, is because the child and the adult are having a fight, and the child usually wins. I allow the child to make the rules instead of being the responsible adult and doing what is sane and right.
For example, I allow myself to tolerate a lot of BS from the ABF because I fear being unloved, unwanted, rejected, ect. Where does this come from, the child perspective. I tolerate the BS and take it and take it, until I snap and react with anger/hurt, ect. Had I been an adult and used my mind, I would have taken immediate actions to remove myself from the ABF as its the right and sane thing to do. I would have left the room or house or responded with boundaries.
I think I have allowed the child to run the show because. all my life has been a struggle, and I had to be constantly responsible since I can remember. My child finally said the other day, I am tired, so tired of being an adult.I cried and cried when I realized how much pressure I have put on my child self to be an adult. its hard work for the child, when she only wants to be a child. Maybe I am finally allowing myself to feel and it hurts, hurts, hurts.
I need to have a balance, and when it is time for the adult to make the decision, as its best interest of the child, I need to have the child stay quite and let the adult run the show.
What is the best interest of my child? this is what I need to focus on now and make a decision from that perspective.
These are just some thoughts I have been having lately and trying to make sense of all these feelings and insights I am having.
Great posting and processing Joker Feelings are not facts however as I have learned in program , feelings are very important and that i needed to acknowledge them , share them appropriately and then learn how to respond in a healthy manner. Saying what I mean and meaning what i say without saying it mean, was important .
I do believe that I have truly grown up since joining program . :0
(((Joker))) - hugs to you....what awareness you have - I applaud your honesty and I can so relate to much of what you share! I was reminded of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action...I am sure you are well on your way growing in recovery and maturity. We do jokingly discuss around here that being in recovery is like growing up in public. We come to the meetings and share in a safe place all that's brought into our world by this disease and more - and are reassured that there is always hope and help in recovery!
It's so good to see you again and I hope you just keep doing you! You're wearing this program so well - way to go!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
