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Good morning all. I have just been feeling so sad the last couple of days at the destruction the disease causes in the sufferer and in the relationships around the alcoholic. I know that's why we have al-anon but it doesn't take away the pain of a loved one drinking themselves to death or of the hurtful stuff they say and do to those that love them. For anyone who's been reading my posts, I have been home 2 weeks now, was doing very well with not contacting the alcoholic, then bumped into him coming out of the shop the other day. He looked very bad, has been drinking almost constantly for 3 months now, also taking a lot of prescribed meds, supposedly to help him come off the drink, sleepers, antidepressants, etc. That is a new development. He kind of asked me for clarification about what was happening with us, this is after him finishing with me four weeks ago, drunk of course after a row, and telling me by text that he would have my friend in his bed. That is the kind of thing I've had said to me over the years when the drinking is in progress and I'm not being whatever it is he wants me to be. After me changing my number and swapping houses with my brother for 2 weeks to get away from the situation.
Anyway I sent him a card after meeting him, explaining why I can't be in it anymore. I felt relief after doing that, like it's another step towards us both being free. Then a couple of days later there was an ambulance outside his house. I am in touch with his neighbour and his daughter, which maybe I shouldn't be, because it's over, right? But you don't just stop caring do you? I didn't leave because I stopped loving him, I left because I could no longer tolerate the way he treated me. And even with that, I wonder was there any point in leaving if my head is still in it all the time anyway. I have some detachment, or at least I have had over the last 5 weeks, but being reminded of how sick he is, of how death is a very real possibility if he doesn't stop soon sort of does away with the detachment for the moment.
His daughter told me he went in with chest pains but again didn't wait long enough to be properly examined. She said he is hurting over me and him but she understands why I can't tolerate any more. His neighbour stopped me and asked would I not go and talk to him even as a friend. I just feel I can't. I'm still too emotionally involved to just be a friend. I have made the break now, done a lot of grieving over the last 5 weeks and don't want to get drawn back in. I have never been able to talk to him without getting drawn back in. At the same time, I think what if he dies, will I have regrets. And what if he doesn't? The disease muddies everything. I ended up giving his neighbour some holy water from a Marian shrine near us for him. And a holy medal. He has great faith in such things and I felt that was as much as I could do. I feel the disease destroyed the love we had for each other, the possibility of letting go with any kind of grace or clarity, even the memories of better times.. I wanted to be with him until he died but the disease made that impossible because lately it seemed to strip him of anything reasonable or good he had left and I find it hard to remember the ways that he loved me or to believe he ever did. So sad today. Just hate the disease.
((Sarah)) I agree completely Thank you for your honest introspection. I have experienced many of the same feelings while my son struggled with this dreadful disease. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way
(((Sarah))) - I too hear you and am sorry for your pain....I can so relate to the hate for the disease and yet the love for the one who appears to self-destruct in front of us. I am also sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers. This disease is beyond powerful and even when I think I've accepted that I am powerless, there is still work for me to do.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sarah -- thank you so very much for sharing. I read your post several times and so much of it resonates with me and it brings me back to what I was feeling and going through while I was facing some of roughest times. Yes, we clearly understand and have experienced the destruction as you call it, that this disease causes in our lives -- coupled with the lives of the alcoholic/addict, their loved ones, etc. We feel and have experienced the pain and suffering. We are the recipient of so much -- words, actions, hurt, and more. While we detach, let go, get the space and distance that we need in order for us to get better and get healthy -- yes, of course, it is still sad to see. I remember struggling with "I am getting better and getting healthy" and "she is getting worse" -- and what am I supposed to do? Detach? Let go? That is hard. However, there is more. We can "be there" to some extent and in certain respects -- for the alcoholic/addict -- but in a healthy and supportive way. For example -- if they want to get clean and sober, get better, get healthy, begin and live a life of recovery, etc., then we can be there for them. Not full-blown or the way we used to, but in a healthy and supportive way. We can have compassion. But, we DO NOT have to be a partner in their day to day, their lives, etc. -- if they have not made a decision to get better, get healthy, clean and sober, etc.
I remember with my AW -- my decision, my position was -- I would be there for her, in a healthy and supportive way...but I would not be involved, a partner in, a party to, or part of, any of the things going on that was about her drinking or as a result of it or as a byproduct from it. Period. That was my boundary. There's a lot that goes on in and around that mindset, but I did the work with my sponsor, daily, and it worked for me...and her! Sure, when I would detach, not enable, not contribute or take part in the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc that was going on -- yes, I had to sit by and watch her continue to drink and spiral downward. But acceptance...was me NOT TRYING TO FIX IT, or CONTROL IT, or STOP IT, and so on. While it may sound counterintuitive, this is when I got better, truly better.
I like that you said -- after he said he'd have your friend in his bed -- about you not being whatever he wants you to be. If you were, that's enabling, that's your role and your contribution to this disease. I admire and respect that you have awareness around that and are not doing that. Great for you! You don't have to get into a back and forth with him and defend yourself about why you "can't be in anymore" as you call it. Even though you felt relief -- the back and forth can be a slippery slope with the alcoholic/addict. From my experience, the being in touch with the neighbor, can be as well. I did that. Then, I was the one who started getting the calls. That was not good. Then I got the call to check on her (my AW) because they were concerned that she "might do something to herself" and that I should check on her. You can not be in touch -- just for today. Just so you can get the needed space and distance so that you can focus on yourself and so that you can get better. In my experience, that was always healthy for me. I didn't stop caring...I just stopped being involved day to day. For me to be healthy I had to not be a partner in "it" so to speak. It is hard to love someone who punches you in the face every single day -- even if they do it because of a disease.
I also loved what you said about was there any point in leaving if your head is still in it all the time anyway -- and I felt the exact same thing. I had to deal with the exact same thing. And, the answer for me -- was NO! So, I had to do more work -- acceptance, detachment, not contributing and not being a part of it, and letting go. I like what you said about going and talking to him even as a friend -- and that you you just feel you can't and that you are still too emotionally involved. GREAT FOR YOU! I truly admire and respect that you feel that. Get the space and distance you need. Perhaps view him and the relationship as a drug -- your drug -- and now you need to get clean and sober off that drug.
As far as the "the possibility of letting go with any kind of grace or clarity" -- from my experience, that is sometimes enigmatic and an ever-elusive part of doing what is best and healthy for me/you/us/etc. Focus on you. Work on this with your sponsor. It is there where you will get better and get healthy. Thank you again for posting and for being an inspiration.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thanks Iamhere, and thanks Bo for your replies. Bo, everything you said makes so much sense, and I know what you mean about the neighbour, it's brought me right back into obsession for the last couple of days, that and just knowing he had to go to hospital and how sick he must be getting. So today I didn't speak to anyone, ask how he was etc, though it goes very much against the grain not to. It can make me feel like a heartless cow! But I think the disease manipulates us so much through our caring and compassionate natures and, yes, there is my addiction to him in there all the time too. And I am asking myself what am I avoiding in me when I am focusing so much on what is going on with him. It hurts letting go. Thank you both for the identification, and the hope that it can get better. I find both of your replies to myself and others very wise and inspiring.
