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My adult daughter has relapsed for the second time in 3 months. She went to a 30 day rehab and got back together during that time with her ex boyfriend who had dumped her. She was sober for a few weeks, and they were back together, until she went on a several day binge, and the boyfriend dumped her again. I think he probably was not able to handle how out of control she gets when she relapses..He told her he thought it was better if they didn't talk right now. She went back to rehab for a week, and is currently living in a sober house and getting intensive out patient therapy, as well as working her full time job. That part seems to be cut and dry, until HIS mother startied calling her at the sober living house. My daughter and this guy were together for about a year and a half, and while they weren't living together, we're very tight. I suspect his mom is calling my daughter because he is in bad shape and she's worried about him. Here's where I could use some insight. I have an overwhelming feeling to reach out to him, but not sure if I should. I just want to make sure he is doing ok. In the past, my daughter has had problems with me reaching out to her friends. Should I ir shouldn't I? His mom reached out to my daughter, so us it ok fir me to reach out to her son?
I tend to go with mind my own business until someone asks me a direct question .. I don't see it as my job to get into God's business. I don't think that there is anything wrong with reaching out via text saying thinking of you, hope you are ok .. and leave it at that. Your daughter is in a safe place, you know where she is at and she has made her wishes known about your meddling in her private affairs. I respect my daughter and what she says in terms of how much does she want me involved .. there are things she asks me to be involved in. if my mother reached out to a boyfriend I had broken up with I would hit the roof .. it's not her business. I had a situation that my mother is trying to friend my current boyfriend to gather information and no .. just no .. I am in my late 40's and that was inappropriate in my mind. She's never met him. She has referred to me via B word in front of my XAH and my kids .. so no. I really think learning to listen to my kid has been a big lesson in our relationship. She lives at home so we do have house rules .. her private life is her private life and I always hope she's willing to share with me what's going on.
I had a situation in which I couldn't reach my daughter and realized no one at her college has my number in case of emergency especially given the fact she's got some current medical issues that are being addressed through new meds .. I just wanted to be sure she was ok. So I did reach out to her boyfriend and through a comedy of errors turns out HE was trying to reach her and couldn't, so he sent a mutual friend over to check on her while I was texting him. She popped up on FB and the whole issue was her phone needed to be restarted .. lol. So once all of that was in order all was good. I promised him I wouldn't text/call him like that randomly .. this was an emergency deal and there was no stalking happening on my part .. lol. I apologized for my neurotic mom text. Thankfully he fully understood and appreciated where I was coming from.
Your program work .. what does your sponsor say?
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I go to several face to face meetings a week, but my sponsor is very ill, so I can't ask her about this. If I understand you, you think it's ok for me to reach out to him?
I would not reach out.....your daughter has stated a specific boundary for you - do not call my friends and others. I would offer service in another way - prayers. In recovery, when we suggest we Mind Our Own Business, this suggests we focus on that which is good for us and for us. When we begin to reach beyond ourselves, we must examine our motives first and stay on our side of the street unless asked.
If your daughter asks you to do so, that's a different story. Yet, the mother called your daughter - I would leave it alone and let the two of them determine if there is action necessary and who should take it.
Take what you like and leave the rest!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My experience, and my perspective -- completely objective -- I would NOT reach out. You want to, and it sounds like you are flirting with reasons why it's OK to do so.
When your sponsor is feeling better and you re-connect, this is something you should talk about, learn from, etc.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I also did not reach out even when suggested or requested by my Alcoholic/Addicts mother. I left her to her counselors and her own sponsor and her higher power and stayed out of the business which wasn't mine. She got clean and sober and my HP along with hers used her to teach me humility. The program works when I work it. ((((hugs))))
I would say your driven by your own fears and I totally understand that. It's like before alanon I would justify all sorts of actions I took like meddling and fact finding and for what? It was a desperate attempt to elliaviate my fears and was also due to the fact that I believed I could find an answer to fix it all. It's a strong urge and I relate to it but it belongs to you. If you can take a real honest look at your motives you might find your obsessed and addicted to the drama that surrounds your daughter and the people in her life. It's not a put down its just a symptom we often have when were effected and it harms us and them. That's what recovery is for really. To accept were powerless. To accept we will never be the ones that can help. Ever. Talk to any truly recovering alcoholics and the only people that helped were other alcoholics. All you can do is let go like I'm trying to do. It's the living thing to do and sends the right message. It tells our children that we have the right to live a full life regardless of their drinking and it tells them we trust that they have everything they need to live as they choose and so we kind of give them back their dignity as adults or equal adults rather than the message that we think they can't cope and that they need rescued and fixed.
