The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We face so many things as a result of this disease...but I face many things as a result of me. It could be my "stinking thinking" or my expectations, or me wanting to be right, wanting what I want, which is always something good, perhaps I just want the alcoholic to want to get better. Who knows. Often, something triggers me, and it's then me, my mind, my thinking, etc. It happens because life happens. If it triggers me, I have to look at me. Focus on me.
Recently, it was nothing more than a simple comment, made in passing, that had to do with my ex taking a day off work. Next thing I knew I was thinking -- it's a Friday, she so rarely takes off, it must be because of plans, where is she going, who is she going with, she is probably back with the criminal ex-bf who is now out of jail, they are probably going away for the weekend. Then I found out she was going to be out of work a few days the following week. Now I was convinced! I started getting jealous. I was angry that I was jealous. I started getting insecure. Then I was angry that I was insecure. I started thinking -- she never really loved me. She treated me so poorly, and I never got to speak my mind. I started feeling the relationship didn't mean to her what it meant to me. I started thinking and feeling that I meant nothing to her. I had to drop this thinking and get back on track. I didn't want to know the answers of course. I didn't want to be thinking this way.
I no longer talk to her or communicate with her at all. That was my choice and my doing. And yet, some foolish, meaningless comment knocked me off-track. Self-worth? Self-esteem? I do the work. I go to meetings. I do my readings. I pick up the phone. I talk to my sponsor. I do a weekly face to face meeting, one on one and we do Blueprint For Progress. I am better off for not being with her. I ended the relationship. My decision. My doing. I am healthy, for the first time in a long time. I am happy. I no longer live with the daily, sometimes minute to minute anxiety when the phone rings, or a text comes in. I no longer have to walk on eggshells, and wonder whether or not I am going to get to spend time with her, only to be disappointed. My life is better without her. I don't want to keep analyzing. I don't want to keep looking for answers to questions.
So...when you are struggling...what do you do?
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hi Bo I attempted to answer those painful thoughts honestly. " He never loved me as much as I loved him may be quite true" -however I have moved on and How important is it that he was not capable of loving me as much as I did him .? I am grateful that I have the capacity to love and be intimate and look forward to a new relationship.
I gave a great deal to the marriage but but never felt loved and appreciated true-- with alanon I was able to learn to draw boundaries and rebuild my self esteem instead of making my needs invisible in order to please others.
I developed an attitude of gratitude for all the pain and lessons learned and most of all for alanon.
Interesting post. .
Bo - for me....I truly have to do some step work on my own thinking. What's up with me that I can't redirect my thinking. My entire life, I have had a difficult time with my obsessive thinking. Of course, I also use to act upon it yet AA recovery helped me there....however, my brain is sometimes my own worst enemy and I struggled for years in recovery with my thinking.
For me, I had to get really, really honest and admit that what I think is not always logical, rational or even remotely real. When I do step work on my thinking, I do come to realize, much as you wrote, that my own mind get's me into deep trouble places. I can take a remark, much as you did and turn it into something that's so far from real - it's seriously concerning.
I have to sit with myself and/or my sponsor, and come completely clean. I do not just go to meetings. I cry, share, scream, etc. - I have to be an authentic, broken me when the shoe fits. So often I think we believe we 'need' or 'should' be a certain way because of length of time in recovery and that's just not been a healthy path for me.
So - I have to peel back yet another layer to get to the root of my thinking. H-A-L-T comes to mind as well. Part of getting real with me for me had everything to do with expectations of self. There is/was (depends on the day) a part of me that felt as if I should be 'more grateful', 'more sane', 'more _____________. The reality is we are imperfect yet made by one who has the plan that we can't know. He knows my mistakes/choices before I make them. None of this is by accident it's by design. I'm designed to have good/bad days. There is a reason/purpose for it....each time I've done more step work on me, I've grown.
I can say that for the first time in my life, WYSIWYG.....What You See Is What You Get. I am consistent in treatment of all people. I am honest, kind, helpful, direct, and capable. I no longer act one way at work and another way at home. I no longer act one way with family and another way at home. I am who I am and it's 100% OK to just be me.
Whether it helps or not, my sponsor laughs at me when I call and say I've got to tattle on my brain. It is ___________________________ ____....and then we talk it through. I no longer have shame when I struggle - I own it, share it to whomever I'm comfortable with and then work on it.
Here's a good one for you.....I got an email that there was going to be a special haul-off tomorrow for flood damaged items. I had half a garage full of damaged sheet rock from two floods at my rental home. So - I thought....AWESOME - we'll get rid of this stuff and not have to haul it.
I am 5'3" and about 120 pounds....gal - so (my insanity) - did I ask anyone for help? Nope. Did I tell anyone where I was going? Nope.
I got up super early, did my 'stuff' and headed over. It took me about 1.5 hours to get the 'stuff' to the curb. We also had some tree issues so my AH has been cutting down limbs (these are 75 year old trees....limbs are not twigs - they are logs). He leaves them where they fall so I also moved all of these to the curb.
When I began to realize this was a job for more than one person and it was too early to call anyone else and ask for help, what happens? My brain begins to blame my AH....why? Because he's a man and he should have done this, that and the other. And .... there it goes - off and running - Why can't I have a normal husband? Why is .........
I literally stopped what I was doing, headed into the house, got a drink of water and had a direct conversation with God. I honestly was very upset with me - I created the situation, I didn't ask for help, I am blaming someone who's not even awake, etc. I clearly saw my part and was able to let it all go, redirect myself and finish.
I snapped photos and sent to my AH and then told him about the special pick up tomorrow. He called me and asked who helped? I said Nobody. He actually said, "I would have helped if you would have let me know." I was able to respond, "I know - it's all good and it's all done."
He told me he was impressed - he didn't know how strong I was. I was able to just say Thank You.....I guarantee that he took those photos to the golf course with all his buds and bragged on the physical strength of his 55 year old petite sized wife.....ha.ha.ha.ha....
So - I'm still learning each and every day. I still make mistakes each and every day. What's changed? I'm willing to own my part, let go of the rest and be grateful for what I have and where I am.....we only get one shot at this 'living stuff' - there are no dress rehearsals. I'm thrilled to be doing it imperfectly each and every day...
Keep doing you - bringing it forward is the first step - awareness.....then acceptance and action - you got this!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
