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I am stuck here in between a rock and a hard place. My husband has a problem with alcohol and cocaine. My question is, should I tell my 12 year old son about it? He knows my husband has a drinking problem, though I don't think he understands the severity of it. He knows that my husband goes to work and tells us he is on his way home only to show up 3 days later.
My dilema here is my son is heartbroken over my husband not coming home. And he is choosing to give up activities he enjoys (ex: karate) to make sure he is home in case his dad comes home.
Saturday night was my breaking point. My husband took my son w/him to the dump and then to a friend's house to drop off some things he had borrowed. They were supposed to meet me at my husband's grandparents for dinner but never showed. He didn't answer his cell phone either. I tracked them down at 10:30 that night at that same friend's house where they were playing darts & my husband was drinking a few beers. I told myson I was coming to get him and he refused to come with me. When I showed up, he refused again & said he was staying w/his dad. Now I am thinking, no way I am letting my husband drive my son home after he has been drinking so I force my son to come home w/me. Needless to say I looked like the monster & my husband looked like the poor innocent one. I tried to explain to my son that his dad had been drinking & I wasn't going to let him ride home w/him. He said that his dad had only had 3 beers. I told him that 3 beers would turn into 5 or 6 or 10 within a couple of hours and my responsibility is to my kids and making sure they were safe.
Meanwhile I was thinking that my husband could totally get the urge to do cocaine and then what? Would he leave my son there at his friend's while he went somewhere else to do his drugs? Would he drop him off at a relatives house (we live about 40 min from where he was) and go do what he wanted? Would he take my son with him to get what he needed?
I just can't trust my husband any more. And I have to protect my kids. But I don't want to look like the bad guy. I don't want to shatter their opinion of their father either. My husband's grandparents & parents said I should be honest w/my son. Any advice?
you could certainly talk about drinking and driving more. That talk he needs anyway for the teen years. Set that boundary, if Dad is drinking he can't ride with him. My son 12 also talked today about social drinking or in moderation, a glass a wine a day. He was reading things in doctors office and asked some questions. We had a nice talk.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
You could try to tell your son about the drug use, too. Also, that the drinking AND drug use is affecting both of you. You may try to ask him to go to alanon with you. Also, if there is someone at school, a counselor, a third party like that may be helpful. (I know how you feel, I try to tell my adult kids that their dad had changed, but they would look at me like I was the one who had a viewpoint problem). They love their dad. Be all and end all.
Anyway, I hope this helps and OTHERS will post here. Putting many heads together is the answer sometiimes!
You are in the right place air your consearns... I don't feel qualified to give any advise, but I sure know how you feel. My A doesn't dissappear, but turns into Richard Petty when she is lit and upset. You know... burnouts out of the driveway and down the street.
I have thought about this quite a bit as my A is looking for her own lawyer and planning on moving out. Until now every event I have been the designated driver, but I won't be able to do that any more if she moves out. We have an 11 year old son who, of course, adores her and I don't want to stop that.
But, He is aware that she drinks, and drinks too much. He is acturally babysitting her a bit these days. He and I have not had that talk yet except in my mind. Things are very volitile in our household right now.
The boundry is a good one if you can trust him. I am considering talking to my son about what the rules are, so that he knows. "Mom likes to drink at times and that's her decission, but she is not allowed to drive you around if she has been drinking. That is a deal that she and I have." It might help the situation when I come to pick him up from a soccer game and won't let him ride home with Mom. Even if it doesn't and he gets upset, he won't be supprised. Kids are pretty smart at that age. Way more that we give them credit for.
I don't know the "answer" for anyone even me, but you know in your heart what you don't want to have happen. All you can do is go from there.
All my prayers - r
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can only share my experience and what I have done. I shared with my son at a very early age that his Dad had a problem for 3 reasons. 1. For his own safety 2. To help him understand the disease 3. To not protect his Father, hide or lie
My son is now 16, watched his Father detox in the hospital and probably understands the disease more then most kids his age. He recently wrote a paper on alcoholism and was very matter of fact, much of it based on his own knowledge and what he has seen.
I decided when he was little it was much more important for him to understand and learn what the disease of addiction is and why Daddy wasn't coming home. I never would want him to think it was because his Dad didn't love him or any other reason he would make up in his young mind. Knowledge is power no matter what the age, in my opinion.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I ordered a book from this site that is called Marriage on the Rocks and in it, there is a whole chapter that goes over this very topic and and the effects on children. The book strongly suggests talking to the children and being honest with them. They know something is going on anyway and often blame themselves, whether they verbalize that or not...as do we. Anyone with children should definately read it. I got much valuable information from it.
I can share my experience, but I didn't have such a nice ending. I believe that children learn by seeing also. It didn't seem to matter what I told her , she made up her own mind. I at the time didn't think how powerful the influences of A would have on innocent children that are caught in the middle with this kind of thing. I assumed she would believe what I told her. In a way I think living with it and adjusting everytrhing around it is a type of silent approval. A child will put their own interpretation on it , seems no matter what. So the child learns adapted behaviour. There is no way to know what the A is doing with them when they are off together. For me it wasn't a spouse. A's in the family introduced and allowed her to test with them. For a young one thats a powerful influential approval that its hard for any mom to stand up against. There are infinite variables and there is no way to cover all the bases in my opinion. They have a mind to choose just as the adult does. If they can why can't I ? is a good one. How does a child tell them NO ? Its not pleasant to be in the middle during the years you need guidance. In a way it forces choice for them. They may feel pressured to lie and be on both sides as not to defy the other. Mine choose to think I wanted her to hate them. I know I didn't verbalize such a thing. A child can't learn the same thing in an environment with A as without. Soooo different.
This is a tough, challenging one for anyone who lives with an A in their growing up environment. And is not an easy one by any means. This is a big load to carry and no way to know how it will travel up front.
My only dau is and began being an A in her teenage years. Now her children are growing up in what she learned and didn't learn. I wasn't powerful enough to change the influences in her life. I wish many a time I had gone many miles away and that I did the wrong thing trying to get her to understand and stay living around the A-fam so we would have family the way they were. I had tryed to get A-fam help by putting them in a hospital only for them to get out and take revenge on me as they didn't see it as help. And A-dau was caught in the middle as a tool for them to hurt me with. They weren't responsible enough to see what what it did to her and still don't.
All of it is a risk what ever you choose to do. I pray you have the strength and courage to do what you decide is best and may HP lead you to the wisdom to do the best you can. The rest is in his/her hands.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
LOVE AND BLESSINGS IN RECOVERY
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 18:12, 2006-03-27
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 23:15, 2006-03-27
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
I would also talk with him about drinking and driving. I have little ones and teens. I have spoken to all of them, (except the baby) about the dangers of drinking and driving. I have let them know that they should nevr get in a car with anyone who has been drinking at all, Daddy included. I have told them if they are not sure to call me and I will come and get them anytime anywhere.
It is very hard for a young person to be able to tell if someone is impaired form drinking. For this reason I feel it is better that they know that driving and any amount of drinking or drugs does not mix. My husband drinks and drives all the time and I have had to meake it very clear to all our children that tehy do not get in the car with him unless I am with them. It seems controlling, but he will have a few even with the kids with him. He tells the kids and anyone else who will listen that he drives better after drinking than most people drive sober.
I hate having to talk against him to them, but I have no choice. I will not have them in the car with him. If he wants to risk his own life, I can't stop him, but I will not allow him to risk our childrens lives.
One thing I learned in the program is: we're only as sick as our secrets. And that has to do with families, too. I hope you have a good sponsor who has dealt with this, too. Blessings and good luck to you and to your family. mebjk
For me, my first step would be to go to the library and find the best books I could for kids and parents who are A. And/or books for kids on addictions to all drugs.
We all have life markers. Like I thought my mom was perfect until I was 14. I was so mad at her when I found out she wasn't. A 12 year old still sees his parents as rocks, protectors, all mighty, especially their fathers. Also who knows what the Aism has told your son about you.
Is there an alateen somewhere there? vital for kids of A's. As far as the cocaine or alcohol or herion. I would not tell him what dad uses. First I would get him literature on what different drugs do to people.
Educate him first with out bringing dad into it. Then he won't feel he has to defend dad. He will have had the information and knowledge first. He cannot say, "well mom said..."
I don't care if I would had to handcuff my son to me, I would not have left him with a drunk dad either. Plus who knows what the other drunks and A's could have done to him on purpose or by accident. A's conversations are not for children.
I don't even leave my animals in my A's care. no way. He was here one day lately and left the gates open. ONE day. So who knows what A could get your precious child into.
I can totally relate to your confusion. I have a 14 yr old son who deals with the very same issues as your son.
I really don't know about telling him about the cocaine use. He has enough on his plate to deal with. My son knows about his father and he has had difficulty dealing with the situation. It made him mean and hateful and didn't care about himself, school or anything.
Please encourage you son to stay in karate, activities are great for them. He needs to do things to keep his mind off of his father.
You may think you are the bad guy but you can not allow your hub to have your son when he is using anything, because you never know what could happen.
Please no matter what do not allow your husband to have your son when drinking and yes, it could easily happen for your hub to leave your son anywhere when using.
You know you are the good parent, you son will see this in his own time. I have found thru my experience my son just stopped wanting to go with his dad.
Best of Luck, hugs for your son I can so relate to your post.
You just have to take care of you and most of all your son.
I've always been pretty honest with my kids. Even when my son was 6. I explained that alcholism is a disease and also about mom's mental diseases. Of course when someone asked in the grocery store his answer was...mom ok, she in the hopspital......she al-co-holic. Whoops. LOL
I've had the talk about riding with mom when she has used. She rarely does it. I did have occasion in the last few months where she was going to take my oldest daughter someplace. She had one or two plus some of the Rx she is on. I said no. She complained she was find, etc. I told her that if she tried to driver her, I would call the cops. She finally backed down.
Their safety is first and foremost. There are some materials such is "What is Drunk Mama" etc for children that can be found at f2f meetings.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
TO EVERYONE WHO GAVE ME ADVICE - THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!
I still have not quite decided what I am going to do. I do plan on having a long talk w/my son. I will talk more in depth about the drinking, the driving, the environments in which his dad may take him. I want to believe that his dad would never take him anywhere that would put him in danger but I just cannot be sure. I no longer trust him. His addictions to alcohol & cocaine have too firm a grip on him and he denies it. He believes he can beat it but I know better.
You have all been a blessing to me. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, your advice and your blessings.
