The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those of you who have read my previous posts, you know my adult daughter is an alcoholic. She lives far away from me, and that has caused numerous problems between us. This is my current situation. She relapsed again a couple of weeks ago. That was her second relapse in the last 3 months. She had completed a 30 day rehab stay, was out for about 7 weeks, but had to be readmitted to rehab a couple weeks ago. She was at rehab a week, and decided a sober living house might better serve her, since she had already been to rehab 5 times. She is in sober living now and doing an IOP, which is intensive outpatient therapy. She is getting more help, but I'm really struggling. During both of her rehabs and for the past couple of years, I've been attending ftf alanon meetings and reading Alanon literature. I often feel worse when I leave Alanon meetings, than when I went in. I don't like sharing, and I feel that I have nothing positive to offer. I always feel like I say the wrong thing. I'm very emotional. Most of the members are veterans who seem in a great place. Last week my husband had surgery, and even though he got released from the hospital, he had to be monitored around the clock. Consequentky I didn't go to any meetings last week. This week I could go to some, but I'm having trouble trying to force myself. I feel terrible when I leave, getting in my car and crying most of the way home. It was suggested that I might try a CoDa meeting. Has anyone on this forum ever gone to one? Are they different from Alanon meetings? I'm a mess here! Any other suggestions that anyone can offer?
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Monday 21st of August 2017 11:54:53 AM
Hi Buckeye. I relate to what you mean about feeling terrible after the meetings. Instead of crying though I've typically punched my dashboard or the passenger seat. I still feel weird when I share. Like I'm missing something and my thoughts are all over the place. Then afterwards I just feel stupid and am distracted the rest of the meeting.
It is slowly getting better. I've settled on that sometimes I just won't have anything to share so I just try to relax and listen and stop trying to come up with something. When I share I've come to realize that I'm not great at speaking from the heart. It's stunted and uncomfortable and from my POV probably doesn't make a lot of sense to anyone listening. I also get bright red when I talk just to add to the fun. I'm working on just living with those emotions, embracing them I guess, rather than not engaging.
Hey Buckeye Girl - I've not got experience with the CoDA world....so can't help there at all. It took me a bit of time and a different meeting to find a place I call home in Al-Anon. I also believe a sponsor that I could share all my 'stuff' with helped me tons. I could not see what was obsessive, what was insane vs. what was closer to normal as I'd been entrenched with the disease for so long.
I'm sorry you're not finding comfort in the meetings you are attending. Have you tried different groups? Just a thought....keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Buckeye girl, sorry to hear you are struggling with your situation and with the meetings. I started out at aa and na meetings for my own addiction issues and later had to get to al-anon when other people's addictions became problematic for me. I also attended coda for a while, and still would if we had a local one but we don't. I think al-anon is more specific to the problems caused by alcoholism than coda is. That's been my experience, coda seems to be more about the unhealthy attitudes we can develope towards ourselves and others through growing up or living with any kind of dysfunction, not just alcoholism. For me, sharing has become easier over time and with practice. And still sometimes I find it uncomfortable, if it's a very big meeting or there are a lot of unfamiliar faces, those would be times where I'd find it difficult to share. Or if I'm having a bad day, not feeling very confident or if there's a lot going on and I'm feeling very emotional.
I hope it gets easier for you, because meetings can be a powerful source of support. It was suggested to me to find a home group, a meeting I attend regularly. So maybe as suggested already, try a few until you find the one you feel most at home in, maybe one with other newcomers? And coda is a lovely fellowship too, in my experience. If you have a daily reflections book there may be some readings in those about sharing, I think I remember reading some. It can be hard to express ourselves, we can be afraid of saying the wrong thing, especially if we have spent any length of time around alcoholism, where generally everything we said may have been wrong! It's ok to just listen too, until we are ready to speak. I wish you the best.
Hugs, (((Buckeye girl))). Thank you for your honest share. I understand how you feel, as I've been there with somehow feeling worse after some meetings until very recently. I will share what helped me, and, as always, take what you like and leave the rest, as each person is different. I spent quite a lot of time trying to understand my feelings, where did they come from - why did I feel worse after some meetings. I also noted those meetings I felt better after, those meetings when I felt really nervous when sharing (often slightly-shaking, head-twitching-like-I-have-a-tick nervous), and those meetings when I was barely nervous at all even when sharing. For me, after months of analyzing where were all these reactions coming from, the issue with this came down to two main things - I put much too much focus on people outside myself instead of on me + I sometimes shared, compelled by the notion that I "should", when I didn't really want to or when I didn't really have anything meaningful to say. The first was the biggest issue, and it had (still has, but less) profound impact on me in every aspect of my life, my nervousness during and feeling bad after meetings was just one aspect of this. I have a very strong tendency to imagine what others think - about me (mostly), or about anything else. What helped me was to become aware when I was yet again imagining what others think of me and stop the thought, telling myself (silently, mostly) that I can't possibly know what anyone else is thinking (how many times have I've been proven wrong!), that often I don't even know what I myself am thinking, and I also considered how little thought I gave to others (except my A, of course, especially before Alanon...), and why would anyone else have such an abnormal fixation on me so as to judge my every word or move. Once I came to this realization it took me a while to accept it really is so. I still struggle with focusing on me, not others, but to a lesser degree, since I understood this is what I am constantly doing. I also noticed that what seems to work well for me is to share in a meeting if I am struggling with an issue and want to hear others ESH on the topic or if the topic suggested is not something that is an issue for me at the moment, but something I've already been through and found my solution, that is, when I have my own experience with what worked for me to share. Only during the past 2-3 weeks I have continuously retained my calm quite well during sharing in meetings and have come out of meetings each time feeling better. Previously it was on and off for me for months, and it was pretty hard... Sorry if this was too long. I guess what I encourage you to do is to analyze and keep analyzing why you feel the way you feel, when do you feel OK, when not. Progress and not perfection, that's all we can do. Keep coming back :)
I did the CoDa meets online...LOVED them...and Man o Man did I learn a lot about me...it addressed MY disease, MY stuff..CoDa is great for folks with the disease of obsessing and trying to control others..many of the Al-anons, CoDas, ACA's, etc. intersect...I quality for all three and I DO all three.....sometimes I go to a online Al-anon meet and its all about "coping with your alcoholic" well?? I don't want to "cope" anymore with an A..I got rid of my A's save for my brother and I just distance myself from him....but ME..what about MY issues and defects??? thats when I decided to "add" CoDa and ACA to my recovery protocol...best thing I ever did because using all three , I can get a better handle of a bigger picture....codependents are co-addicts....ME?? i am addicted to control....I absolutely am terrified if I cannot be in control and that goes way back to a childhood of darkness where my life was totally out of control and it was disastrous for me....that defect in me will never ever heal..at best I will manage it and learn to live with my fear of not being in control...to me, being powerless often means helplessness and I am screwed...that is still my tendancy...self talk and working program helps and when really sticking with and working my program, at the very best, I am looking at management...I'll never get over some of the wounds offended against me...so I learn to live with them.....CoDa helped with that..so did ACA....Al-anon is most common, easiest to find and hey!! it was my first meet and I learn so much in Al-anon...You still qualify to go to the meets, maybe a different meeting...i went to one where it was awful...a "clique" ran it....the rule was 5 min. per share...well??? the "pets" could talk all they wanted, so when it was my turn and I ran into 7 minutes, the "chair" put her hand up and gestured me to stop.....I was always a little fire ball who took no S$$% from anyone and when she did that I reminded her of Trads 1, 2 and the rule applies to ALL or none and "I am not done sharing yet" there was few of us, plenty of time for me and when I stood up to her, she kinda backed off and I finished my share....well her "control gesture" scared this lady next to me and she froze up...wouldn't share so we hung out after the meet and I listened to her.........the meeting room didn't last as I expected....sometimesits just a bad room......i would try more....you get good ones and bad ones....as with anything dealing with people.......
Hi buckeyegirl, I'm sorry you're struggling. I have not attended codependents anonymous meetings but many of us in Alanon struggle with codependence. Many of us had very little if anything to share at face to face meetings when we were new and cried often. I began this way but eventually things got a little better one day at a time. You have a lot going on at once. That can feel overwhelming and even frightening but steady attendance at Alanon can ease that with time. It's good to try a few different Alanon meetings. When I was new, my level of comfort was different depending on the meeting format, how many people were in the room etc. Today, I can go to most meetings and be fine.
We're so sensitive to everything when we are new because we want good things for the ones we love. I felt so powerless to make that happen and it was others sad stories in the meeting place that resonated with me. I felt helpless and saw no hope. I refused to surrender my life and my will. Who would help the alcoholic in my life if not me? Who loved them more? No one I thought. I wanted to believe they had a god taking care of them who could provide so much more than I ever could but why weren't things getting better for my loved one? Again I would think.. I've got to help! Again my efforts would fail. Alanon gave me the Serenity Prayer to say with others and to practice one day at a time. I learned that meetings were a place to be supported and as someone new.. my attendance, my sharing myself by simply being another person in a seat who was going through it was enough. There is no right or wrong way to share so I hope you'll know that you're wanted and accepted at Alanon meetings as a newcomer. In Alanon HOW means honesty, openness and willingness. That acronym can be applied to sharing at meetings in my humble opinion. If we continue to share our feelings honestly, open up and share what's heavy on our heart as newcomers and willing to keep coming back; we can begin to feel better. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes time.
If you really feel Alanon is not for you, I hope someone here can offer you information about CODA. I hope you find comfort in coming here and will keep coming back for recovery with us. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Aloha Buckeye Girl and Westman ...magical and mysterious is how HP works that you can come here with a need and the share encourages the next sharer to speak up from the same situation or condition. I laugh when HP does that and I hope you both feel it. I relate to the topic as you can see I got into program coming from inside of the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction even in a foreign country; Hawaii. I was raised in my culture to listen with my eyes (metaphorically) and never was taught what alcoholism was. We used the word "drunk" and not out loud because to use that word was to show disrespect and earned us punishments. So when I got to Al-Anon thru my marriage to an alcoholic/addict wife (of many relationships) I didn't know what was going on and didn't even know that I didn't know. Talk?? about what?? admit that my wife had a drug and alcohol problem and that my entire family on both sides were also chemically dysfunctional including me of course;? How would I do that as my life was normal. My wife then wasn't an Alcoholic/Addict...she was a bitch!! where was the meeting for that disease? If I tried to say anything I was soooo enraged by the whole thing I was warned for protocol or it was suggested I leave (and then keep coming back of course) I was done completely. It took me two trips to get in and stay in the program...do not feel different...look for and listen to the similarities between the fellowships' sharing and your own story and work from that area. That is how I was led thru the quagmire of appropriate membership. I just didn't understand and it would take time and I needed to be in the program where people understood rather than by myself with a person that understood nothing.
This disease is one of the mind, body, spirit and emotions so if either of you feel screwed up terminally just remember that is a self judgement coming from a person without good ESH (Experience Strength and Hope)...be kind to yourself and give yourselves mercy and grace...keep with the meetings, literature, steps and slogans and what ever else other tools you can grab. This program takes practice, practice, practice...keep practicing and ask your sponsor and other meeting fellows to give you feedback just as you have here. Funny how HP was waiting for you both. LOL.
This weekend we held a joint Al-Anon and AA meeting and I was second to share only I wouldn't because a gal across from me was weeping and from experience I knew she needed to hear her own voice speak her concerns because of the disease. I turned my time over to her and she started to heal right before our eyes. Mahalo (thank you) Hp.
Keep coming back both of you...you need to be here. ((((Hugs))))
i can't speak to coda but i have depended on and benefitted from one on one therapy. i personally feel it's really helpful to be one-on-one with a person addressing your specific issues. it's time for YOU. you have a lot going on. as a fellow caretaker and codependent, i can say that my talk therapy is the only thing i consistently did for myself for many years... and i have no doubt i am better for having done it. sometimes people offer free consultations so you can meet them... and i'm fond of social workers. fancy credentials are not necessary, in my opinion... you just need someone competent that you can talk to. (someone with some addiction or codependency background may be helpful as well.)
i also had to try several meetings before i found my favorites. they all have different vibes. it took me some time to get comfortable, too. so maybe keep trying some others? it's not easy to do when you're in a very emotional state. i've had the experience of feeling especially alienated in rooms new to me when i was in dire need and knew nobody. it is NOT easy. but it's a start, and there will be a day when your emotions are not running quite that high.
other than that, i read. various kinds of spiritual literature, daily al-anon readers, and novels for escape and the art of it. you have so much happening now, be gentle with yourself and make some effort to take care of you.
Hi Buckeye, have you worked with a sponsor? For me, having a sponsor to guide me through working the 12 steps was very helpful. That is how I got insight into myself to help me move forward, and got unstuck from some negative ways of thinking. And I did therapy, too, with social workers. It all helped.
Meetings are great to learn that we are not alone. But then what? How do we get to be like those people who seem to be calm, cool, and collected? A sponsor helped me with that. I know it can seem hard to find a sponsor, or to ask someone.
I recently was at a meeting where someone shared that he was looking for a sponsor and was having a hard time finding one. At the end of the meeting, people gathered around him and made suggestions for meetings where he might be more likely to find good sponsors. I noticed one man talking with him one-on-one in more depth as they walked to their cars. He asked, and he got a lot of support.
If an in-person sponsor does not seem feasible right now -- whether in Al-Anon or CODA -- there is the Step Work board on this site, where you can do some written step work and helpful people will respond.
I always hated asking people for help ... but I am glad I did.
Funny how we get our "RX" in different ways...I tried one on one therapy and I got zero out of it...a "Book educated" therapist on MY issues??? don't think so..unless they experienced what I experienced, how are they gonna know how I feel?? they can't possibly...I went to this Christian therapist who "insisted" that I forgive my offender..."you have to forgive him or you won't be forgiven" boy did that piss me off...I told her point blank that she was totally out of line , TELLING me I had to forgive someone who was NOT sorry, FELT entitled to do what he did, how about ME forgiving ME for being a helpless little child who had No help NO hope NO safe place to go...how about that CHILD???? needless to say, I told her I was "outta here" and I have sought and prospered with peer to peer support where there are other survivors of horrid abuse and who can RELATE to me., can FEEL with me, can SHARE with me on a PERSONAL level??? I'm not bashing one on one therapy....if you can afford it??? go for it!! Try everything you can and then pick what works...for me??? it was the 12 steps arena with different 12 steps settings...I am a 3 time "stepper" Al-anon., CoDa, and ACA....I love and prosper in all three......JUST saying
wow, Rose, i'm so sorry to hear of that experience you had. that's just awful. and you're soooo right in that there's a big caveat to what i said... you have to find the right match. (and i know sometimes it IS covered by insurance!) the match counts for everything. i sing its praises because i found the right person. nothing to do with book education, really. i've also been to a few that sucked!!!! i've "cheated" on her a few times and also went to one person with my mother that was absolutely awful... a real wasted opportunity for us... so thanks for that reminder... sadly. like you mention, she said stuff i thought was downright wrong, "put words in my mouth" so to speak... and i can't imagine my person every behaving like that or anything near what you mention... there are some quacks out there, unfortunately, or simply incompetent people. (and that scenario sounds like a christian with an Agenda... so... yikes is all i can say.)
i still think there's something important about sharing our personal stories and habits of mind with another individual. but of course it's all individual! and that individual may come in the form of a therapist or a sponsor or a friend or a mentor or a teacher. some of it is "click" and some of it is timing... but whatever works!
-- Edited by Junenine on Monday 21st of August 2017 08:35:44 PM
I can relate- when I first came to Alanon I had negative experiences and so I stopped going to the meetings. Years passed and nothing changed and there was no where else for me to go, so I returned to meetings and tried several different ones. I'm grateful I did because either I found groups that were a better fit, or I looked at the meetings through fresh eyes. It helps to get a sponsor and start working the steps. My life continues to change for the better as I keep working the program, one day at at time.
