The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I noticed a little while ago that so much of my frustration was due to me not speaking up. It's kind of hard to describe but some of my old behaviour would be to let everything go, tell everyone everything is ok even if it wasn't and then blow up at the smallest thing that went wrong when I couldn't take it anymore. I had two settings, door mat (my default setting) and raging angry crazy person (could pop up at any moment). If I'm really honest I will say that that tactic worked for me really well because I was so calm most of the time that when I did blow up people took it more seriously. I didn't consciously do it to get recognized but it was a survival tactic I learned. One of the first things I realized in Al Anon is that I don't really know what I'm feeling, I didn't even consider what I was feeling, I just reacted to my feelings as they bubbled up and justified them in one way or another (usually by blaming someone else). I think this comes from having grown up in an alcoholic environment as a child I learned to stuff my emotions and take care of others until I didn't even know what I was feeling. I've started using the slogan "How important is it?" and that really decreased the blow ups over small things because I looked at it as a way to let go of those small things that sometimes drive me crazy. But I have also noticed that when I don't address something that bothers me it stays with me. This uneasiness that I can't shake and that is my cue to speak up. The speaking up part has been harder for me than the letting the small things go part. Recently I didn't think my AH handled an argument with my daughter very well. In the small day to day things between them I usually let them sort them out between themselves but this one stuck with me and so I addressed it with him. This time I wasn't the raging crazy person I waited a few hours, got calm and then asked to talk about it. I didn't need to be right, or recognized or apologized to or to force my will on him I just had to get it off my chest. It was interesting because as soon as I said it I felt better. He didn't agree with me but he was willing to listen to what I had to say and that means a lot. I didn't push I just told him that I loved them both and that was my only motivation he could take what he likes and leave the rest. The next day my daughter told me he apologized to her. He did it while I wasn't there (I know how hard it is for him to apologize and I am sure he didn't want to feel more vulnerable with me there). In the past I would have been miffed that he didn't tell me or talk about it but I know it's about him....not me so I let that go. The most important thing is that the tension dissipated in our home overnight between the two of them and I just had to speak up and then let go. I think even if he hadn't apologized it would have made a huge difference to just say something. I read something in the How Al Anon works book recently that said something like this. If you aren't sharing your true thoughts and self with others you are denying them the opportunity to have a real relationship with you (OK those aren't the exact words but you get the gist). I'm working that slogan from both angles these days. Not just to let go of the small stuff but to evaluate if something needs to be said and having the courage to speak up. Thanks for reading :)
Thank you for your post, KT. I recognize myself in a lot of what you expressed. I love the little ahah moments of how the pieces fall into place for progress in the program. I think you are doing great!
Great post and awareness KT. I too found that I made myself invisible(Not sharing my thoughts etc) in order to keep the peace. My Alanon sponsor admonished me to:" Say what I mean and mean what i say without saying it mean. It took some time to learn how to do that.
I used detachment, and placing principles above personalities in order to be able to present my thoughts with out attempting to control, minus the sarcasm and anger- but it worked well--Treating all with courtesy and respect was the key for me. Great message Thanks
Thank you for posting this. Like many, been there, lived there, done that, and decided I didn't like it. LOL. I never had a voice as I call it. When I did, I would always tread so lightly, as I didn't want to anger or upset my alcoholic wife. I didn't want her to be mad at me. When I did have a voice, I either didn't speak up enough or I was never heard. What a surprise -- expecting the alcoholic to "hear" me and understand, agree with me, apologize to me, and so on. How foolish. How naive.
I would swallow all of it, I would suppress all of it -- you name it -- anger, resentment, fear, pain, frustration, and so on. I was in denial! I did all this under the guise of detaching, letting, go, how important is it. NO!!! I didn't want to accept unacceptable behavior. Yes, this was survival for me...but I was in DENIAL!!!! I was making excuses. Yes, how important is it kept me out of a lot of arguments, unhealthy situations, and saved me a great deal of pain, anger, and frustration. For me, what happened was that by saying how important is it -- it became a crutch. It became a default tool, for me to hide in and use to run away from things. This was me in denial. I started to swallow more and more, not speak up, and not address what needed to be address (not with my alcoholic wife necessarily, but even in the rooms, sharing, with my sponsor). This how important is it, and the not expressing myself because of it -- became the norm. It became an obstacle to me getting better and dealing with what I needed to deal with. I started to work with my sponsor on this, and making sure I was able to speak up. I didn't have to be right or prove my point. I didn't have to have a point. I just had to be truthful to myself. Even if it were just me saying "I don't want to get into this with you" or "This is unacceptable behavior to me" and detach, whatever it was I had to do -- for me -- I made sure I did. I had to do a lot of work on this -- so I could get healthy.
Sounds strange, but I had to learn that it was OK for me to talk and say something. I had to be respectful, whether she deserved it or not. I found that I had to be respectful to me first -- honor myself -- honor my feelings. I had to share, but I also had to find the balance. One of the expressions I heard for many years in the rooms -- Whether my wife was capable of understanding me or not, capable of being sensitive to me feelings or not, one of that mattered. This was about me. Yesit, involved courage, but it also involved me being who I needed to be and doing what was healthy for me. I had to check my motives, be kind and respectful -- of her and of me.
Thanks again for the post.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Great, great share KT.....my experience with using the tools in my own home is the less I say with a calm tone, the more that's heard. I believe my family have an auto-pilot switch that goes to 'off' when my content is passionate or emotional. I spent a ton of time trying to figure out when I should say what I mean vs. when I should mind my own business and my sponsor was a god-send for this. We would talk through things and she would say 'you will know when you know'....she was right. As I got better at detaching and boundaries, it did become more obvious.
Of course, I was an 'in your face, loud and proud right-sizing woman' so my next lesson was to learn how to do as Betty suggests - Say what I mean, mean what I say, but DON'T SAY IT MEAN...I do better yet still have plenty of room for improvement!!!
So, so glad that you are reaping the rewards for the hard work you've put into your program. Keep working it - looks great on you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This was something that I really struggled with in program, saying what I mean meaning what I say and not saying it mean. One thing that really stuck out was knowing my truth and how to say it. When I first got into Alanon I was not able to talk to my XAH .. I just didn't say anything. That was not the right way to go about a relationship of any kind.
It also helped that I can now identify what I am feeling and what I need .. I don't require someone else to be a mind reader .. knowing how to state my needs .. I need a hug .. if my sig other can't do that I have many other people who can .. I also know I need someone who can give me something as simple as a hug. I do not find my self worth in what they might think or I want them to be .. so it makes things much easier. Letting things go .. that is HUGE .. LOL. Sometimes it's not so easy however .. other times it is much easier.
Good for you that you are working your program and moving forward with your own growth .. big stuff there. :)
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
For me -- one thing I had to be very careful of was me being in denial, avoiding the truth/reality, and chalking up unacceptable behavior as how important is it. When I was struggling, low self-worth, in pain, not healthy, etc. -- there was a very gradually changing/gray area, a blurry area, between how important is it and unacceptable behavior. I ended up not addressing things that really needed to and had to be addressed, because I was too quick to say how important is it. A kissing cousin of how important is it was me being quick to "let go" so to speak.
This is where I found objectivity and accountability as my life-saver.
Thanks.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
