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my beloved cousin is in town..she is like my sister...her mom and dad used to rescue me out of the concentration camp and take me home with them...they wanted to adopt me as I was a lovable child and I fit in well with my "Cuzzie" and her now deceased sister who had Downs Syndrome (she was my play mate...she used to play baby dolls with me as her baby) and the older brother cousin....these people are more like siblings then cousins...
her oldest daughter (who thinks I am a low life because I did not go to 4 years of college and make piles of money---with her its all what you GOT--not what you ARE)
anyway, she married an abusive alcoholic who routinely cheats on her and FINALLY she has filed for divorce and there is an "order" that he cannot come to the house and visit kids IF he is drinking...
well last night , my cuzzie comes into town and goes to her house and they are hanging out and the alkie shows up and hes cursing out the wife, my cuzzie, etc., and they are scared and lock themselves in a room where there is a loaded gun on the bed...just lying there....so HE was in the house at SOME time b4 daughter gets off work and cousin shows up from airport (she lives back east) anway, hes yelling and cussing, calling my poor cousin all kinds of names, etc....and she tells me this last night
I tell her to "come over if you need to...." I don't want her to be in danger..and he HATES her because my cousin told his dad that he was a bum and a cheater and a loser, etc....My cousin knows how to work anothers inventory REAL good and anyway, Son , alcoholic found out my cousin told his dad about him ...hence the burning hate he has for her
I talked with my cousin today and I invited her AGAIN to sleep over here...she declines...feels she has to stay with the daughter and protect her....I get it....much as i do NOT like the daughter, I totally get a mother's love for her daughter......I am concerned, but there is nothing i can do so i gave my cousin some suggestions...
the neighbors seem to hate this guy, also and want him GONE from the neighborhood and I ask cousin if she knows any of them "yep, I know a few of them" well, I sugested that since she insists on staying there, ask the neighbors you trust that wiould they call the police if he shows up drunk and menacing?? she says she is going to talk to the ones on either side of daughters house
so that taken care of, I told cousin that she is dealing with an abusive, irrational, maybe dangerous ALCOHOLIC who when drunk, all his inhibitions come out and to just do not engage him....do not even look at him as he may perceive that as a threat , IF he breaks in house....but make sure he doesn't by locking all doors....(wonder how he got in to place that gun on the bed) did daughter change locks??? hope so....but I told my cousin if he shows up and hes drinking, call the cops.....also to unload that gun and stash it in a safe place where he can't find it....also have a plan where (daughter has 2 children) they can all get out of the house and run SOMEWHERE safe if need to be....have your car keys ready...ask neighbor if she can park her rental in their driveway and use that as a getaway car............we did discuss a plan of escape if he comes back.....
thats all I could do....I get it!!! she wants to stay with daughter but I sure don't want anyone getting hurt...
After going over a point by point plan, from observation, watching for him to show up, escaping the house, keeping the children in clothing that they can be carried off in, point by point we went over the plan and she thanked me and I just had to say "ok..you are staying....keep your eyes open....be watchful because hes pretty big and can bust down a door or window, so you will have to be vigilent with your cell at your side, to call cops while you are hauling a** out of that house and to a safe place.....pick one...give them a heads up you may come, etc....
we went over it point by point...I lived with this crap..my cousin is innocent.....I did my best to try and help her be safe...offered her to stay here....hell, if ALL of them have no place to go BUT here, I would take them b/c alcoholic does not know where i live....not even a guess....AND i got some pretty tough neighbors , he would not last here if he , say, followed the car and came here...no worries....we would be waiting for him....
anyway, i am concerned about my dear cousin, but I cannot force her or tell her what to do.....I just gave her the usual alanon love and support and what MY game plan was when I had to make a fast getaway and I shared it with her....not once did I tell her what to do or how to feel, etc...I just gave her MY script when I had to do the "leave in the middle of the night" thingy and a place to go WHILE i am calling the cops....nowadays we got cell phones...in my day, I had to go to neighbor or public place to call police
I told my cousin to please go over the points...one by one so she has it in her head, a plan..a map...a list of sorts of what to do......and left it at that....
I can't do anymore then I already have...I will carry my cell wlth me in case she calls me, I'll be here...she is innocent and has NO control over him and his actions, but she CAN protect herself....
I hear daughter is too "with it" to attend alanon, so OK...her choice...I am NOT , I guess, "with it" because I NEED alanon......
my dear cousin, my sister in so many ways.....i told her we needed each other (she of sorts works a program..doesn't attend meets, but LOVES to work the steps andslogans with me.......we we "not so with it" ladies vowed to keep better touch with each other, we are gonna hang out tomorrow night together...
May she be safe!!! May they all be safe!!! abusive alcoholics......as much as I insulate my life, I still get the "fall out" from these people.....
this curse of a disease is so pervasive, I guess to totally be impervious to its tentacles of despair and destruction, misery and pain and sometimes death, one has to live in a freakin cave and cut off all humanity........at least her daughter is kicking him out of her life....the refusal to get help, his abusiveness and his adultery was all too much for her and she filed for divorce and got order he is NOT to see kids when drinking......Hope she can become a bit "humble" and realize that she needs alanon.....I was impacted by this curse from day one of my life (mother-raging alcoholic by the time I was born) so yea....may i NEVER think I am too "with it" to need this program....
gonna go swim so i don't worry about my most favorite childhood playmate in the whole world......I told her i loved her and missed her and I sent her a cousins day card that she loved and said how much she loved me...........we just don't know how long we are gonna be here...I am not gonna miss the "i love U's" with my loved ones....I may not have them tomorrow.....
anyway, thanks for letting me get this out.....and I welcome folks posting on my threads....love the ESH and support and I hope to give same....Personally since I have been back, at NO time has anyone told me how to feel or what to do, or how to think, or violated my sovereign right in anyway to being FREE to be ME and FREE to progress in my program----slips and slides and all.....I am soo imperfect and I am , thanks to you guys, OK with that...I'm accepted anyway......JUST saying
It sounds like you did the best you could by offering them a safe place to come to and helping your cousin to work out a plan if things get out of control. Alcoholism is everywhere unfortunately. That is nice of you to offer your assistance, I probably would not have done that. The only way for me to get away from the disease was to stop being friends with a lot of people. I am thankful that nobody in my family is effected by alcoholism. I question myself often if I should have kept in touch with certain friends. Then I remember the insanity and know I did the best thing.
-- Edited by shrnp on Thursday 13th of July 2017 08:38:05 PM
It sounds like you did the best you could by offering them a safe place to come to and helping your cousin to work out a plan if things get out of control. Alcoholism is everywhere unfortunately. That is nice of you to offer your assistance, I probably would not have done that. The only way for me to get away from the disease was to stop being friends with a lot of people. I am thankful that nobody in my family is effected by alcoholism. I question myself often if I should have kept in touch with certain friends. Then I remember the insanity and know I did the best thing.
-- Edited by shrnp on Thursday 13th of July 2017 08:38:05 PM
hey shrnp...I reeeely, if i am brutally honest, do NOT want to be friends with the daughter but my cousin?? she is the innocent one in this in that she has cleaned up HER life (was married to an A who never went to program, but just QUIT drinking...he was dry drunk with all the isms) however that said, I am going to offer cousin a safe place to stay because she has and would do it again for me......but yea, I want as far away from this disease as I can....and I did cut loose a LOT of people because I want to distance myself from the insanity.......my cousin works, not meets, but does work program steps and literature and slogans and we ESH each other..., I know because we share and support each other, she is progressing...like me, she is work in progress....funny...her parents did not drink, yet she married a "dry" alcoholic....he was abusive, all the isms of non recovery dry drunk...she divorced him which was big because her church was against her leaving....it was leave or go nuts, living with this guy...she cut the cord and began her road to recovery...as far as her daughter is concerned, my choice is to stay out of it, but cousin has helped me when I had to "get away" in the middle of the night, I won't let her down......apart from this daughter, my cousin, like me, eliminated all the drinkers in her life and their , still with the A, spouses/partners....Like me, my cousin REEEEELY trimmed down her life....., but this is her KID, who doesn't drink but is still married to a abusive alcoholic.....i get what you are saying...I am gonna protect me as much as I can....I , too remember the insanity and I know, like you, I did the best thing....get AWAY from it.....thanks for your ESH....I agree with you...i want to stay as far away from this crap as I can...
Rose - I am reminded that I can only help others when I am spiritually fit AND they are willing to help themselves. I am also reminded that denial is bigger than I can grasp esp. when this disease is involved. I do all that I can to keep things simple because I just don't handle drama/chaos very well any more! Sometimes, the best thing I can do in support of others is simply to just turn them over to HP and pray.....tough pill to swallow at times, yet works well when I can do it.
Sending you thoughts and prayers!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
hey Iamhere...and you, too, shrnp....I reeeeely if i am brutally honest, want to stay out of it....if cousin shows up alone to hang out with me and stay in a better place??? yea, I am OK with that...but the rest??? naaaw, I am thinking of this since I spoke with cousin and I really don't do drama/chaos well anymore either....in fact my anxiety is at its worst with dying sister, doctor leaving me and who am I gonna find to keep me on my medication so I am not disabled.....I have my OWN stuff....tomorrow cousin and I are going to dinner and I am going to tell her that SHE is welcome to visit me as she usually does when she comes to Texas....no worries about her...we have fun....now she is in a predicament that she chooses to stay in....Think I am going to take a page of yours and shrnp's books and stay out of it.....if cousin wants to eat and hang out and sleep over??? no worries, but lets keep the chaos and drama out of it........I gave her my ESH tonight....I want to now detach.....thank you for your kind and honest share......You, too shrnp.....
I kinda had to think about this, AFTER i said what I did to cousin, and I really want my peace and serenity....got enough crap to worry about....daughter doesn't like me, i am not good enough for her so no worries about her showing up at my doorstep......cousin usually does, when she visits, stay at least ONE night with me....and we have FUN!!! I think when we eat tomorrow, I am gonna tell cousin that I will listen to her about daughter and will give support and my love, but really in all honesty, I am sooo done with drama and chaos, I want to stay out of it because my GAD is so bad of late......my GAD and PTSD are too "brittle" to put up with it....LOW threshold for pain I have.....i think the older I get, the more i want to protect my peace.......
with all that has been tossed at me since December, I am pained out...TIme for a self examination on how to KEEP MY LIFE SIMPLE.......Of late, been having trouble concentrating/staying in the moment/being grounded/being mindful....I'm not doing so good of late...all this crap happening to me , one thing after another, I am pained out....to add insult to injury, my new puppy got diarhea and I had to contend with THAT....so yea, I want to avoid drama that I can avoid.......
