The material presented
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I'm trying to sort through working on my issues combined with the reality that almost all of us are a work in progress in this world and being true to myself. I've been divorced several years and have sought to try and work through some key issues of mine so that I can learn from history rather than repeat it. At some point we all need to just take the plunge, and that is what I am doing. I've done my best to wait until I've worked through my grief, anger, etc etc because I do not want to project my past bad experiences onto another person. And I think I'm at that point. So, I've started dating. I am making every effort to take it slow. On occassion it is difficult, but I am proceeding OK so far. Even when things proceed too fast in my head, I take steps through mtgs etc to slow things down. I ran across some reading that said to use the experience of getting to know another person not only as an opportunity to make a friend, but to pay attention to my feelings, etc and so it is an opportunity to get to know myself better also. While trying not to judge, because I've slowed things down, I am seeing things that I might have missed before; things or traits in the other person that are consistent with behavior I have let others get away with in the past. And so I've given myself time to figure out how to respond. Here's my question... and I know the answer is somewhere inside me, ... I just need a forum like this so I can vent a bit to be able to work it out. When I have opened my eyes to see behavior that I do not want to tolerate, but it is very early in dating a particular person, I am having trouble figuring out how to set a boundary that doesn't sound inappropriate for the early stage of the relationship, vs just stop dating the person. None of us are perfect; I certainly am not. And we all have a bad day here and there. But, for example one person on more than one occassion in one evening blamed certain other people for several life choices he made. This felt like a red flag to me, and so I have distanced myself. There were additional red flags with this person also. But, perhaps I am still so new at getting back into dating that all I can see are red flags. Or should I just be grateful that I'm seeing red flags that I was either blind to, or disregarded before. I came from a family who tell me I am too picky, but I very clearly was not so in my choice of first spouse. I feel I should have trusted my gut then. Now I just don't want to go too far in the other direction.
I am not dating, and have no plans to start soon, I think my husband wouldn't like it too much.
But for me boundaries and new relationships is hard. I am very guarded as to who I make friends with, I have very few. But I am bad at choosing not only mates with addiction problems, but I am the same way with my friends as well.
I just found out that my best friend is still using. I found out on accident. Someone else said something thinking I knew, and then I put two-and-two together. My other friends are in one 12 step program or another.
I have learnded to take it really slow, I keep my guard up, and trust my gut. My instincts can see what I am not able to. I think if someone really wants to get to know me, and really build a meaningful friendship, then they will understand and take it slow to.
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I think those are all good points. I have them to a certain extent with friendships and recovery partners. I have had some disasters in that regard. Now when I meet someone who I consider might be a potential recovery partner I look for the red flags so I would say I am with you on that front. I do not necessarily drop them like a hot potato if they are there but I don't proceed in the same way with the relationship.
Hi Emma - A red flag is a red flag period. Its important to pay attention to how you are feeling when you are dating a new person. Remember you care more about how you feel about him, than about how he feels about you. Your HP is going to be giving you information about this person ahead of your having to find it out too late down the road.
When I was first in recovery and began dating I found I could not tolerate men who did not take responsibility for their own lives and behavior. I also did not want to be with men who drank. I dated several different men, several had certain problems crop up and I watched to see how they handled it. I also ended several relationships because one was not completely divorced yet, one was not available because he lived too far away, one continued to tell jokes I found offensive and did not honor my request to not tell them, one drank too much etc.
Eventually I met a wonderful man in recovery in my Alanon meeting and we have been married eleven great years. We started out friends. It was great to have recovery in common. A man who is surrendered to his HP is a great person to be with and had the same values as I did. Honor how you feel, you don't need to hook up with someone you don't feel is exactly right to be with.
I only just posted this, and then had 2 of the people I had in mind when I wrote the post actually contact me. For the record -- I would really appreciate some male input on this topic.
One of the guys said he'd thought about what I'd said and saw all of the compliments I had for him in it and wanted to thank me, and hoped we'd run into each other again at a point when we could meet afresh -- which was essentially what I'd said to him.
The other one, the one I referred to more in my post, said he was sorry I felt threatened when he paid more attention to other women than to me when we were out. It seems to me that he was pretty masterful at finding a way to approach it by blaming me for his behavior -- I don't buy it, but apparently he does.
I'd tried to leave the door open for both, while stating what I expected and how I would act. I hope I was successful at that. So, at this point I'm thinking I would give the first guy above another chance, if we naturally have another opportunity. And I think I would be friendly to guy number 2, but I think I'm going to respect the red flags I saw, and keep seeing, which ultimately means respecting myself as well, so that relationship will go no further.
Oh Emma for your sake, please, please trust that wonderful intuition hp has given you!! Listen to that for sure.
OOps is that advise? Uh if it were me I would LISTEN to my feelings in my head and heart. I trust my intuition. I just learned to stop giving chances when I had a bad feeling in the first place.
Red flags are red flags. If you are picky, good for you. I will see a red flag, ONE red one and it is goodbye with anyone. Even female friends.
Sometimes I too think, if he were a she would I want her for a friend? We seem to forgive more with men. I have NO desire to be intimate with anyone for a very, very long time. yuck city.
I mean think how long it takes us to get close to a girl friend. Why is it some women and men jump into bed and share the most intimate stuff so quick???? Would you trust them with your money? Your dog? Probably not. But yet we share parts of us that could actually get us killed and or sick.
Well there I go blabbing too much. We have "those" feelings for a reason. I feel we should listen to them. You are worth more than taking anyone who you saw a red flag with.
I guess I would give it some time to see if I saw another one. But anyone who blames bs on others is not ok in my book.
I hope you can meet people who are into what you are. If I were single, I would do what I love to do with groups and see what came about. I loved going back to college and meeting all kinds of people.
let us know how things go. Be good to YOU. love,debilyn
