I don't know about the right and wrong stuff, but my experience started to get better by taking baby steps to change my behavior, those around me reacted like a tsunami. It was as if something didn't feel like the situation they had set up to escape all responsibility for their behavior.

Congrats on listening to yourself saying I don't want to be the info source anymore. I found such support by attending face to face alanon meetings, and I needed support to stand by my decisions.

I also noticed they found someone else to absorb any flack created by their behavior. It wasn't me anymore.

When I began to change my behavior, take care of me and stopped doing this or that that was not my responsibility, my qualifier reacted angrily something like 95â of the time, I think. This also bothered and still sometimes bothers me when I refuse to do something I shouldn't be doing and get that backlash. You're not wrong, you are minding your own business and letting your friend mind his business. You are taking care of your peace of mind without harming anyone else, that's in NO way wrong. I noticed a pattern with my ex A boyfriend which reminds me of the cliché about taking a candy from a kid. The kid cries- that's logical. Only, in this case, the candy did not belong to the kid in the first place, and the person just took it BACK... Lol. Not such a good analogy. But in any case, I deserve to have my candy (serenity), you deserve to have your candy. Your friend deserves his own candy too, but he has to get it for himself.I know that my qualifier accepted the new situation son enough, he had to, and he was OK, and I felt BETTER, HEALTHIER, LESS INSANE. You deserve peace of mind... Keep coming back

 

 

Bzz the question "was I wrong" is appropriate here because changing and learning to change is in large part what our recovery is about.  If we don't ask we are stuck with the same old behaviors we have done over time expecting different results and that is our definition of insanity.  Considering different responses and behaviors than what you have been doing that didn't work or doesn't work is what we learn how to do without letting our emotions and thinking get in the way.  That was almost impossible for me to learn and then my sponsorship told me "when you start getting it right you will be doing things different".  Rocket science.  I had to admit to myself that I didn't know about the disease and didn't know that I didn't know.

Stick around...keep coming back...try something new and ask the fellowship for feedback like you just did and keep reaching out.  When it works give it away to someone else and watch it work for them also.   ((((hugs)))) 

 

 

 

I recall resigning as master of the universe when I came into alanon again. What a bloody relief! Pay was low, conditions crap, lol. Keep coming back, you're on the good track.

MissM wrote:

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I think, honestly, that this sounds like the sort of thing that would rattle me pre-program and now just makes me roll my eyes. (I mean if/when it happens to me, I'm not disparaging you). Try to imagine someone else is telling you the same story though...would you encourage them to find out how they were at fault, or would you tell them to politely suggest that their "friends" go and be intimate with themselves? 

-- Edited by MissM on Wednesday 12th of July 2017 04:15:42 PM

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 LOL   "suggest that their friends go and be intimate with themselves?"    I can't add anything better to this post.....I would read and re-read what MissM says here.....if your daughter told you this story, what would you tell HER???? would you tell her to stay in this drama or cut it all loose and move on?????   just saying....I do hope you keep coming back...this program does really work...

Just my feeling, opinion, etc. -- but too many people get hung up on the right and wrong thing. I get it, it's comforting and appropriate to say there is no right or wrong, and I often agree with that. But I think al-anon is a warm, welcoming, and safe place, and I don't see the need to be exclusive, absolute and rigid. So, when people use the right and wrong words -- I see the word police -- and if that's what people choose to do, so be it. I don't choose to do that.

That said, I agree with Jerry. I think it is OK, newcomer or seasoned person, to ask about right and wrong. It doesn't have to mean right and wrong, hence the word police can put their gun back in their holster, LOL. Sometimes we need objectivity. Sometimes our emotions supersede our common sense, logic, and intellect. Sometimes we just need help in whatever way we need it. I think the question is here -- because someone is striving to get better, get healthy, wants it, trying to improve, and like Jerry said, the theme being change, and that is what our recovery is about. Thank you Jerry.

Yes, talk to your sponsor. However, bzz, I think what you did is right, progress, and healthy. If it turns our you change your mind, I don't think what you did then becomes wrong. Regardless, I like what you did. A lot. You are detaching, no longer involved with the drama, status reports, drama, adult game of telephone sobriety, telephone work, and so on. Don't get sucked in. Look at your role -- and you did! You were involved, that was your contribution, and you didn't want it any more. So you changed! And, when your friend called and yelled, and pointed the finger...that doesn't dictate you and your actions. That is not the judge and jury and that is not what decides anything about you. You can easily look at yourself -- no, you weren't being passive aggressive, that was not your intention, not your motive, and you used the word burden. So you were looking to alleviate and eliminate this burden. His recovery is his. And your recovery is yours. Again, I like what you did. A lot. Keep doing it.

bzz,
Alanon is based on the AA program, and it is set up so that if you use it as a recovery program it will help you to have more control over your negative thinking. The thing is that some people do not understand that they have to work the program, go to a meeting and start working on the 12 steps. It might seem silly to some people but the first idea is to change what you are thinking about every hour, everyday. We also say a lot of prayers to our higher power, whatever people perceive that to be. The first step is that "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." You have already been working on that step. The next step is, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Have you found any face to face meetings? There is so much support that can be found when you are with other people who have experienced the same thing. There are meetings online here every day at 9:00 am and at 9:00 pm. You do not have to talk or participate, just show up. There are podcast online that many people have found helpful. I hope things get better. If your friend is threatening to harm themselves don't be afraid to call the police and they will make sure that he sees a professional.


www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Of course I hope he doesn't kill himself (and alcoholics are a lot sturdier than they look) - but if he did, heaven forbid, it wouldn't be because you advised his friend to talk to him directly!  Alcoholics sure don't like any little thing in their world to change, especially not other people.  Good for you for getting out of the position of being the reporter on his doings.  Nobody can predict what the future will be, but if people around him (like you) act with emotional health and minimum enabling, that puts more health into the dynamic, and that has to be good.  Now the chance to respond healthily is up to him - you have done your part.