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Just curious...how do you handle when your A (or anyone else for that matter) says stuff to you in a not-so-considerate-maybe-a-little-degrading kind of tone? I try not to take what he or my daughter says to heart, but sometimes when I am being just normally nice, considerate, friendly, loving, and I request something, or just commenting on anything, either of them can come back with a sharp, inconsiderate, what-were-you-thinking? response and it knocks me down another notch or two. When I asked my husband (my A) if he could hang my daughter's swing (she is 18, not a kid), because neither my daughter nor I could get the heavy roping knotted and up on the tree branch, he replies with "isn't she too old for a swing?". I told him no, and neither am I. Why not just a "sure, I'll try and get that done sometime today"???? And when I offered to take him from my office to his office right around the block, after he was helping me load equipment into my car, he said (as I moved my purse and some items from the front seat for him to get in) "I could have already been there by now". I came back with "so why did you say yes?", to which he replied, "I just didn't want you to have to move all your stuff". Why not just a "no thank you, I'll walk" or "sure, thanks for the offer"????
I know his brain doesn't and won't think like mine does, but being courteous is, to me, so easy to do.
And as for my daughter, little Miss mom-doesn't-know-a-darned-thing-I-know-it-all ~ first thing when she wakes up and comes down stairs, and I say ANYTHING to her as I'm leaving the house, her response to me is sooo crappy and smart aleck, that I don't want to even ever have to talk to her again! I hate those feelings I have towards her, but I honestly wish I could just never have to deal with that attitude again! It's not a once-in-a-while thing with her, it's most of the time.
I'm just tired of it all, so worn down by having to wonder why I am the nice person and my family can't even be considerate towards me. Makes me want to just treat them the way that they treat me.
I work at a daycare centre. One of the first things we teach the kids, and one of the most important, is to "use their words" When someone does or says something to them that they don't like, we teach them to say "I don't like that, please don't do that". How I wish someone had taught me that, years ago!
I think the answer is a two part one - first, develop a slightly thicker skin. So what if he is making snippy remarks - he's helping you, isn't he? Let them just slide off, refuse to hear. Part two - "use your words" I have a couple of teens in the house, and yes, sometimes the attitude is a bit much. "Please don't talk to me that way, I don't like it" in a calm tone of voice, and not followed up by anything more aggresssive, does work wonders. I have mentioned this here many times before, but the first time I said to my husband "I love you, but I won't allow you to talk to me that way", and walked out the door, I felt like a liberating army had just swept through my soul. No tears, no hysteria, no "How can you?" Just the calm statement of my boundaries, and the enforcing of them. I realized that I was 45 years old, and had never said that to anyone before in my life. It was high time!
Hubby's responses are inconsiderate and unkind. No question. But daughter is a completely different matter. I guess I just never would put up with smart aleky, disrespectful behavior from my child. Maybe I was lucky; I didn't ever have that problem with my sons. But I would have a serious talk with that young lady. At 18 years old, if she has not learned respect and kindness toward you by now, she needs to be reminded that the door opens out and locks behind her. And you'll help her pack. She is an adult now, and needs to exhibit adult behavior. No excuses. That's it.
Good luck, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I often thought,in my situation(My A is Turkish) that maybe it was just a cultural thing. I have always been very courteous,even when I was upset or angry,but never got the same respect back,drunk or not. I know that here,amongst friends,Turks rarely actually say please and thank you. Strange that when we first met,my A was always very courteous and well mannered.It's not like he doesn't know how to be polite.He'd fall over backwards to open doors,and say nice things to me.
After a while it became the norm to snipe at me for any reason he decided was justifiable. "Oh what a beautiful day " from me was met with" so what's different from yesterday?" Or worse,straight out sarcasm and hurtful spiteful responses to loving and caring remarks from me.
There's nothing more deflating than everytime you open your mouth to speak nice,genuinely happy things or to put yourself to be helpful,and get a mouthful of snidey rubbish back.
I did very often use Lin's wise words and say things like"I don't like it when you speak to me like that.Please don't." and got even more negative responses...I ended up silently seething and being very resentful.
Not a helpful response to your post ((((lmt)))) But just wanted to sympathise with you and let you know that it made me feel rubbishy too.I found a lot of the nasty remarks often brought me down to feeling frustrated and upset all the rest of the day. Once I found Alanon-it was a little easier for me to try and ignore them and not to let it get to me so badly.But it still sucks.
I honestly believe the, "we teach others how to treat us" thing.
My daughter has been difficult. She is 30 now! I got where I said, "I am your mother, I will be treated with respect."
To share our homes with our children is deserving of respect. If You don't get it, stop giving the extras, just give the needs. NO deoderant, no shampoo, no ice cream, no toothpaste, nothing that is not a need.
They don't need a bed, a sleeping bag will suffice. Children who are not taught the difference between needs and wants turn into very selfish people.
I set up boundaries and tell my kids. They tell me theres now that we are all adults.
I wish I could do it all again. One thing with our students, kids at risk, aren't they all, we used the same phrase when they were rude to anyone,"Unconditional positive regard." Even the gang kids understood it and were not rude anymore. We had to teach them "how" to show respect.
Don't know if I am saying anything. Just becuz someone is A, does not mean we have to put up with them being rude to us. I taught mine quick that if he went over my line, more like WHEN he goes over my line, I am outa there. Or I tell him to leave. I go for a walk, go in my room and shut the door and watch tv. Just get away and go do something I like.
Once my A was rude and I got him out of my van and left him to walk.
For me I got power in my voice and my stance. I don't care if I had to walk until I found a phone, if A was a butt to me, I got away.
And thank you hp for making him go away now.
How do you make them stop abusing you? You can't, but what you can do, is take care of YOU and not take it anymore.
18 is an adult, there is the door. I love you, pack your bag, go figure it out.
Love and sending you the magic to find your own power, debilyn
What comes to mind to me is this: "If you are always doing what you've always done, you are always getting what you've always gotten" There's also "the definition of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity."
With my boys, I have tried a few different tactics. This is just my ESH.
I tried gently telling them (not in the heat of the moment) It hurts my feelings when you bite my head off. Sometimes I send them an email telling them how proud I am of them for something they've done that makes me proud. Sometimes I leave them notes in a place they will find them. That gives them time to think about what has hurt me.
When they ignore me (cause you do know it's all about them "ha ha") I ignore them too. The trick I learned though was detaching with love. In other words, I did not act angry like in the morning. I would go about my business "not acknowledging them" which was different from what I used to do. But I also did not slam drawers, appliances, etc. Sometimes, I even hum a little happy tune to myself. I know they are rolling their eyes at me, but I don't care. Singing makes me happy.
I've also gently hung the phone up on my son. I call them to see what's going on and they are distracted. You know sitcoms are more important than Moms (lol). So one day, my son was being monosyllable answers and when I asked if I was bugging him and he said "yeah" lol I said Ok and just hung up.
ROFL it was so funny because my older son was killing himself saying "Mom loves me more, she never hung up on me." My middle son was incredulous that I had the gall to hang up on him but I lovingly told him "well you told me I was bugging you."
I figure I am respecting their boundaries and coming to them on their lives terms. I've learned to pick my battles and this isn't a battle I want to be in.
I hope this helps hon, let me know how it goes
love ya,
Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Wow how familiar this sounds. My daughter does nothing either, and those hurtful remarks can go right to the heart.
I understand how you feel about being the nice one. Seems like us nice people just get shat on time after time. Feel great in knowing that you are the kind and considerate person who is loved.
This disease and all that comes with it is hard to deal with all the time but, at times seems to be more than we can just handle.
Love You, keep your chin up and remain the wonderful person you are.
I found this funny--not because what each and everyone of us goes through on a daily basis with this, but because I can so relate!!! My daughter is 11 so we are hitting those pre-teen years. She is highly sarcastic and has a pretty good attitude. She can be "pretty snippy" at times! I try to quickly nip that in the bud!!! It's one thing to take it from or listen to it from an adult, but to have one of my children do that to me, just drives me crazy!! I let her know that I won't put up with that, she normally gets sent to her room on occassion she has gotten a spanking from it.
My husband was griping at me this Saturday-because I was helping him hang a very heavy fish, but I wasn't doing it as fast as he wanted me to--I was trying to wrap a rope around a tree limb that was about 1 and 1/2 foot taller than me--darn me and my short legs!!! Anyway I just looked him straight in the eyes and said--o.k that's it you will not talk like that to me anymore--I am trying to help you. I'm sorry that I'm short, but that's just how it is.
I was gone all last week so am just now catching up on posts, but I wanted to tell you something that did work for me, or lessen the sniping with my oldest daughter...
She would get pretty sh*tty with me for no apparent reason, one day I just looked her in the eyes and said: You know, it must be miserable to be that hateful and angry all the time.
I think from then on she didn't give me so much crap, probably moreso because when she did, she knew I thought she was just a miserable person and she didn't want me to have that thought, she'd rather that I feel upset and controlled by her words.
Once she knew that everytime she opened her mouth I assumed she was just hateful/miserable, she chose her words more carefully because in NO WAY did she want to have any faults or for me to think SHE had a problem.
Sometimes you have to put things right in people's faces before they can recognize what they are doing.
That same tactic (only different wording) worked for a friend of mine. She used to be fun to be around but took to constant complaining. She complained to everyone, not just me. You couldn't give her a simple "hey, how ya doin"? You'd get to hear about her rotten life, rotten husband, rotten kids etc. If it wasn't that it was her job, the school..you get the picture.
One day I was determined not to let her affect me by her crabbing and was unusually cheery.. She asked me why I was so happy, I said ..I don't know, I know when I'm around people that complain all the time it brings me down, and you seem to be having a rough time lately. I didn't want to make matters worse for you by listening to complaining. It worked!!!! No more complaining about mundane things. It made her think before she opened her mouth.
take care :) Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
