The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since december, it has been one thing after another:
My client and friend gets killed in a car wreck and now my work is less and struggling more financially
Sister #1 in March decides she wants out of here (she had Alzheimers) and so she stopped drinking and eating and is dead 1 week later
April, I have to put my beloved pit bull to sleep as she began bleeding internally and ccouldn't eat, vet thought cancer was the cause
ongoing struggle finding enough PT work to do more than to just exist..
losing my doctor of 20 years , last visit will be in July 27th and now I have to hunt for a doc who will keep me on my anti anxiety meds
clothes washer drain pump busted, can't afford to fix it so I am using a vinyl drain hose and sending my wash water out the patio door into the grass
Adoptive daughter I had to put some distance between me and her because of her passive aggression towards me, detach detach detach
this is just the REAL bad stuff, not even going to list the not as bad but still "picking away at me" events
and how this:
Sister #2 going through this horrid and slow death due to metastasizing breast cancer that has gone from arm, to breast, to pancreas, to bones, and now to liver AND shes difficult to begin with so here I am trying to NOT make her angry but yesterday, I texted her because she is too ill to take phone call, so I text her and I hate texting so she rubs it in "thought you hated texting" I say "yes, but for you I will make exception" and she says something else to me, snarky, and I just say "be happy I want to connect with you--don't question a blessing"....
yea, all this "one thing after another" is beginning to wear me down...My sleep at night is somewhat doable because I load myself up with OTC sleeping pills...and I am stress eating chocolates and other trigger foods (good thing I am skinny natured) but yea, I see it "chewing away" at me like a pack of emotional "termites" just eating away at me, slowly, inexorably....
I , everyday, have to DIG to find somethng to be grateful for and I do manage to do so....I can't be grateful for all these unwanted events because my cup overflows of late...I mean if I am brutally honest, I cannot give thanks for life long hardship, loss, tears and just sucky events, but I CAN and DO find things to be thankful for and I SAY it...
I am working my program harder because coping with life is getting harder.....at 70, I should be enjoying my "last life furlongs" not having to fight harder to keep up with the disasters
I tell me that death is a part of life and I do believe that, but its just too much of the unwanted side of life, lately, that is beginning to wear me out..
to detach, step back from it all, I engage in my sports and perhaps I am in the best physical shape of my life: I beat tennis players half my age, can run 3 miles easily, I play basketball, also and swim...my body looks 40...my face is still very youthful...so yea, thankful for that, thankful that I have the discipline to only "junk out" once a week on junk foods..glad I have the discipline to "do what I gotta do" to take care of me..AND, a new twist: when life just gets to be "too much"??? escape by taking a nap....watch one of my many docus and movies I have downloaded to disc off youtube after I have done a real good, tiring workout or my sports
I keep saying "this too shall pass" but I am no sooner recovering from one "hit" when the next one comes.......walking away...disconnecting...tuning out via meditation, sports, entertainment and naps has become practice....I would be nuts if I didn't do some or all of these things....
Today, I'm going to start this day with an open mind and the possibility that I might actually have a pleasant day.....I came here and that was probably the best thing I could do---CLING to my program and the community....NOT give this unwanted energy any power by fighting it.....NON resistance and self care...and of course program...Dunno what else to do, but just get through the days as best as I can..find joy and fun wherever and whenever I can......
today is grey, rainy, but i'm not gonna let that my feelings "go grey" if I can't do my sports today??? then I will REST....
I used to think program would miraculously "get the negatives of life off me" NOT!!!! program is just a "how to" on managing the crap storms that hit each and everyone of us..............it has taught me that if I cannot fight, then flee...if i cannot fight or flee, then I better learn to flow....its hard for a control freak like me to let go...let go to what??? I guess to my HP which is within me and only within me (my opinion only)
I always equated letting go with "I give up---devil wins" so I call it "walking away" "stepping away" "not fighting the karma" "taking care of me while I try to keep my head above water" so I am not helpless...I do have a choice....fight this and try to control this and drive me nuts?? OR do what I can to take care of me in the situation....step back until I can figure out what, if any options I have, and I do have options...even if it means just walking away....non resistence is not defeat, it is just refusing to fight the energy with more bad energy....it is either allowing problem to sort itself out, or on a calmer mind, working what options appear to me
I hope this post made sense....I got up early this am...puppy has already recycled last nights dinner on a towel i have on the kitchen floor for "accidents" but I still got her and the older dog out for their restroom break, now I am gonna lie back down and go to sleep.....see what joy I can find, later on.....
((Rose)) I am so sorry that all these challenges have beset you one after another. I have had years like that and they are not easy. During those difficult days, I used program tools to remind me to "Keep showing up". trust the process, one day a time and that life was for my spiritual growth and that HP never gives me more than I can handle . ( i often wished HP did not think I could handle so much) :) Life is hared and I am glad that I have program tools to allow me to understand that when"I am walking through hell to keep on walking as this too will pass
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 1st of July 2017 08:49:47 AM
Rosie it's so nice to have you back here and I'm sorry life is giving you these challenging times. I find when I take stock like that and list all the bad then I've set myself up for that slippy slope downwards. There will be good within it all if you can look for it. There always is. I have to remember that my blessings are mine and not based on what's going on in other peoples lifes even those I love dearly. It's theirs to look for their own blessings so I try really hard not to count the journey of others and take it on as if it's mine. It's not that I don't have compassion for my loved ones but now I've got a higher power I kind of trust that all is happening as it should for reasons I'm just too small to see or understand. The journey that other people are on can't be judged by my limited view as either good or bad. So all I can do is offer my love and support but remembering that my main responsibilities lie in managing my own life and grabbing that joy everywhere I can get it one day at a time xxxx
(((Rose))) Life can certainly be difficult at times, especially when one challenge after another hits. I had one of those periods the first part of the year. To start I've had 2 heart attacks since June 2014 both times stents were placed. I am very thankful to even be here but frustrated because of no energy and pain. Then in January I too had to help my beloved Shih Tsu to the rainbow bridge due to cancer. That weekend my AS was on his 2nd nasty accident in 2 months due to DUI. He was hospitalized as he hit a tree and totalled his new truck. Thankfully HP was watching over him as he was just badly bruised and the only one injured. And the cardiologist seemed to think I was stressed...lol. Today it's sometimes a good day healthwize and sometimes not so good. I just find it's best to be thankful I am present even when it is painful and just put one foot in front of the other to get through the day. I also like coming in here and reading ESH, that always lifts my spirits. Thank you for sharing, may your days get brighter.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Saturday 1st of July 2017 10:55:35 AM
This really is a lot to take. It is good that you are taking care of yourself. I'm one of those eat-sweets-all-you-want-and-not-gain-weight people too and so glad about that :)
Oh Rose......so very sorry for all that's going on and what you're enduring....when I've been 'there' in spite of telling myself, this too shall pass - I end up questioning my own sanity over that thought! Know that we're here for you as best we can be and be gentle with you.
I have had those periods and am comfortable today looking upward and shouting, "I am at capacity now - please hold off on more for a bit." My religious teachings of youth would have suggested this was wrong, but my spiritual journey today says it's OK to tell my HP I am about to break!
Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers! (((Hugs))) too...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh Rose......so very sorry for all that's going on and what you're enduring....when I've been 'there' in spite of telling myself, this too shall pass - I end up questioning my own sanity over that thought! Know that we're here for you as best we can be and be gentle with you.
I have had those periods and am comfortable today looking upward and shouting, "I am at capacity now - please hold off on more for a bit." My religious teachings of youth would have suggested this was wrong, but my spiritual journey today says it's OK to tell my HP I am about to break!
Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers! (((Hugs))) too...
((((((((Iamhere))))))))))))) OH yea!!! I agree with you......I told HP, "ENOUGH, I can't take anymore of this" sure did....i dumped the old religious teachings when I got into here...THIS community makes waaay more sense....HERE, I can be a vulnerable human being with limits on how much S*** she can handle...............
This really is a lot to take. It is good that you are taking care of yourself. I'm one of those eat-sweets-all-you-want-and-not-gain-weight people too and so glad about that :)
yea, "my cup runneth over" but isn't it great?? I can eat myself to death on reeses and oh the SOFT butter fingers in the cup thingy and not to mention the lemon pies and fritos, etc.....yep....i guess I should do my gratitude list that I am the same size as I was in 7th grade....
(((Rose))) Life can certainly be difficult at times, especially when one challenge after another hits. I had one of those periods the first part of the year. To start I've had 2 heart attacks since June 2014 both times stents were placed. I am very thankful to even be here but frustrated because of no energy and pain. Then in January I too had to help my beloved Shih Tsu to the rainbow bridge due to cancer. That weekend my AS was on his 2nd nasty accident in 2 months due to DUI. He was hospitalized as he hit a tree and totalled his new truck. Thankfully HP was watching over him as he was just badly bruised and the only one injured. And the cardiologist seemed to think I was stressed...lol. Today it's sometimes a good day healthwize and sometimes not so good. I just find it's best to be thankful I am present even when it is painful and just put one foot in front of the other to get through the day. I also like coming in here and reading ESH, that always lifts my spirits. Thank you for sharing, may your days get brighter.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Saturday 1st of July 2017 10:55:35 AM
Oh Bless your heart....LITERALLY...May you recover and feel no pain anymore.....Yea, I used think it was all about me, life picking on me but on my original post I talked about the crap storms that come at each of us....differnt package but still a crap storm.....and may YOUR days get brighter as well...HUGS
Rosie it's so nice to have you back here and I'm sorry life is giving you these challenging times. I find when I take stock like that and list all the bad then I've set myself up for that slippy slope downwards. There will be good within it all if you can look for it. There always is. I have to remember that my blessings are mine and not based on what's going on in other peoples lifes even those I love dearly. It's theirs to look for their own blessings so I try really hard not to count the journey of others and take it on as if it's mine. It's not that I don't have compassion for my loved ones but now I've got a higher power I kind of trust that all is happening as it should for reasons I'm just too small to see or understand. The journey that other people are on can't be judged by my limited view as either good or bad. So all I can do is offer my love and support but remembering that my main responsibilities lie in managing my own life and grabbing that joy everywhere I can get it one day at a time xxxx
((((((((((el-cee)))))))))))) So nice to see YOU, too...I missed this place but had "other stuff" NOT as important as this distract me....and yea, if I just focus on all the crap??? i'm in for a badder ride....so through all this , I am still looking for things to thank the universe for......and i, too , am too small to see the grand scheme ofmy life, so I am just trying to go with the tide and keep from drowning....dunno why HP thinks I am so strong because I AINT!!!!!! thank you for your love and support....So glad you are still here...i get a lot out of reading you....
((Rose)) I am so sorry that all these challenges have beset you one after another. I have had years like that and they are not easy. During those difficult days, I used program tools to remind me to "Keep showing up". trust the process, one day a time and that life was for my spiritual growth and that HP never gives me more than I can handle . ( i often wished HP did not think I could handle so much) :) Life is hared and I am glad that I have program tools to allow me to understand that when"I am walking through hell to keep on walking as this too will pass
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 1st of July 2017 08:49:47 AM
Oh ((((((((Betty)))))) I am clinging onto this program by my teeth.......its hard for me to trust in anything so I just do 2nd best and say "ok, I cannot fight this b/c I give it more power, so I will just try to walk away--step back---Yes, CRY and tell HP I am saturated" but, take care of me...sometimes just lie down, curl up under a blanket, deep breathe and take a NAP...give me a break anyway I can.....I relate to your statement "often wished HP did not think I could handle so much" yep...Sometimes I think My HP is a sadist.....OR he/she is bored and wants to tinker with my "lets see how much she can handle" one of the biggest reasons why I belive in an HP, but sorta agnostic about how involved HP is in my life...like the "S" prayer is the only prayer that makes sense to me...asking for peace to do what verb?? ACCEPT asking for courage to do what verv??? CHANGE...I see the Action words are on my plate....accepting the "outside of my range" stuff and changing ME...I can only change ME and what I do and how I respond to all this karmic hail that is pelting me......program is keeping me sane...Just barely, but it is keeping me level enough to go about my days looking to put out good energy
All of you , THANK you for the kind support and love!!! like Jerry said "This family is MARVELOUS" the best thing I could have done for myself is to come back home....I know life isn't out to "get me" crap happens to ALL of us, my job is to learn better coping skills then what I used to do...my job also is to share my experiences with you all and HOPEFULLY be a blessing to this board.......the karma HAS to ease if I keep putting out good energy...do meditations to cleanse out any negative vibrations and to just keep taking care of me and doing what I can to help another............grateful HUGS to all of you........
I can't be grateful for all these unwanted events because my cup overflows of late...I mean if I am brutally honest, I cannot give thanks for life long hardship, loss, tears and just sucky events,
Ironic you should leave this but then not really .. As I was reading it I was relating in different ways with tougher situations on my end as well these days (partially .. my own created mess that grew through past confusion .. ) .. Somewhere in me I began to reflect on my first meeting .. I Never thought I 'Could Ever be Grateful for many in my life because there was so much pain involved in many of those relationships .. some stemming from myself some stemming from them .. Eventually I became Grateful for the alcoholism I was surrounded by because (I) had found a place of serenity and hope .. I had found a fellowship and yes a family .. This week looking over my own list of hurts and situations that are confusing for me I began to reflect on the line in courage to change that speaks about perception .. I can be angry Roses have thorns or I can be Grateful thorns have roses .. what I began to recognize is the good that has come out of places I would have never thought possible (in the beginning it was 'dark) .. I don't know what I will do through some of these situations yet but turning them over to the 'care' of my higher power .. I do know a good gardener is an 'expert with roses in time .. there is hope as long as there's a higher connection .. reminded this week I have human nature .. but I am Grateful there is also a divine (spiritual) nature working with me as well .. even when I am a little slower to understand .. I don't like feeling the losses (grief) but I have hope42day there is something better on the way .. like that rock cutter who hits that rock 99 times and it 'finally splits on the 99th hit .. it isn't the 99th hit but all those other 98 hits combined with the 99th that finally splits it 'free ..
hey MeTwo2....your braver and better than me...for the MOST part when the disasters are over, I can see SOMETHING good in them, but some crimes done against me there was absolutely NO good reason that they happened...the destruction of a child (me) by my own caregivers who were obligated to give me the best send off in life to me there is NO good reason to give a child a lifetime of GAD and PTSD , the cost of which, I have and still grieve over....SOME stuff I cannot be grateful for....but yea, I see what you are saying on most of the stuff..I can look back and say "oh yea" there WAS a flower in all that S%^% that was thrown at me..........that was a nice post you did...thank you...i liked the little tidbit of wisdom re: the rock cutter...maybe I can keeep "hitting" and finally "split" off the bad karma and draw some good, finally....I DO have gratitude for a lot of things..please dont' think that I am an ingrate becuz I am not...its just SOME stuff?? I can't give thanks for it....Stone evil, i can't give thanks for...the other, "human error" stuff or nature or something not evil?? yea, I can work through the anger, grief and reconcile with it...take the lesson and move on..............I liked what you said here.......gr8ful hugs
I don't think of it as any of us better than the other today .. we meet together in a fellowship of equals .. beautiful really and for the same common purpose .. to heal and grow .. I don't have an opinion either of anyone .. where they are .. I believe today we are all right where we are supposed to be ..
lots of confusion and grief to move through sometimes .. I am only grateful for the growing awareness of a higher power working Through it all .. it's higher power (more so than the pain) I'm grateful for .. the hope of hp in the center of the storms so to speak .. realizing lately finally on a new level .. letting go is what happens when I sit in a chair in a meeting or share .. when I let go of my ego pride vulnerability and share I finally let god go to work inside me .. still moving through .. lots of hurdles on my end too that don't feel good right now but grateful for the love of the fellowship that helps bring the changes .. very sorry to read of your sister .. .. hugs prayers and serenity wishes your way ..
there is something better on the way .. like that rock cutter who hits that rock 99 times and it 'finally splits on the 99th hit .. it isn't the 99th hit but all those other 98 hits combined with the 99th that finally splits it 'free ..