Thank You

I searched found and now going to a group meeting here where I live next week...you saying it helped you understand what I thought/said/did at times was not helpful and even at times hurtful hit a nerve...that's me.  I feel like I am trying to repay the hurt sometimes and use the past drinking as a free pass on my cruel words.  

On Saturday I am going with my older son overnight and I have been stressing about the what if's.  I am not here so I can't control if he slips....isn't that ridiculous like I am somehow God????    I read the 12 Steps and I am admitting I am powerless with this one. Furthermore if this trip with my son is cancelled that's on me not husbands potential drinking. This is one of the reason's that brought me here.  I read many posts, got info on groups here.  

I feel better maybe a tad optimistic and definitely less alone   :)

Hi Niki. I am still fairly new to Al Anon. Dealing with similar emotions. My AW quit earlier this year and has slipped multiple times since. When I took a vacation, which I'm still on but now home, she decided she didn't want to go. I had a lot of reservations about it. Ultimately I took the kids myself and we had a great time. 

I tried to stay present and not worry about what might be going on. I had moments of sadness or fear but was able to move past it for the most part. You can probably scroll down and find the post and see some helpful suggestions from others here. It was titled "Leaving with the kids." I wish you the best. It's good that you found a F2F meeting. 

niki48 wrote:

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I am not sure what finally brought me here or admit my issues except I know that I cannot accept the person I have become any longer.  My husband has not had a drink in 2 years 3 months 4 days yet I relive it daily.  I am angry and scared every single day.  I wait for the "slip up" always.  

I can't bring myself to forgive yet or to trust...too many things came along with those 13 years of drinking that my heart just bleeds.  I just don't know if I will ever feel peace or if I will ever get over the things that occurred while he was drinking. Nothing he says, no apology or promise makes any difference either.

I have had people say I should be happy that it has stopped and I know...I am grateful for it however it doesn't take away what was already imprinted in my life...I think they don't understand....so I smile and agree.

 

Thanks for letting me get this out

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I hear you. Been there, done that. While this will sound strange -- perhaps impossible to some -- I was able to "forgive" many of the "bad things" that my ex-AW did. "Forget" is a relative term for me. Trust was as well. All of it came in phases -- while it was happening, during my marriage, seperation, divorce, etc. I found that acceptance was the first hurdle for me to get over. It wasn't just intellectually accepting or admitting this was a disease, she wasn't doing this to me, or that I was powerless. It was about me having the ability to embrace and surrender -- and I know that sounds a like a negative word -- to the fact that she has a disease and there was nothing I could do about it. She was only going to stop if and when she wanted to. Again, intellectually that sounds simple. However, for me, it was not.

She did these things -- not to me -- because this is what she did. Period. Infidelity for example. It wasn't a reflection on me. It wasn't because I was a bad person. It was because she was sick. I recognized -- that wasn't a bad person trying to be good, or a good person trying to be bad. She was a sick person who just did not want to get better and didn't admit she was sick. She was sick. Yes, while it was all going on I found that I was unable to forgive and said I would never forget -- yet, when I finally embraced getting better, for me, I was able to forgive and wish good things for her. I didn't forget -- but I also didn't let this taint or consume me. I wanted to be emotionally OK and sound. I wanted to be healthy. Could I trust? Trust her? Well, I did live with "waiting for the other or next shoe to drop so to speak. I could not trust her while she was drinking, but for me, I had decided that wasn't the way I wanted to live my life, so for me it was different. I had to learn -- to trust myself. Trust myself to live and love again, be loved, trust myself to learn to trust someone else. And so on.

After she found sobriety, whatever she did had nothing to do with me and my recovery. It had nothing to do with where I was in my own head -- whether she made amends or not, took ownership or not, apologized or not, etc. There was no bar for her to meet which would make things OK for me. I was going to be OK regardless of what she did or didn't do. Now, that's just me.

I think it is a good thing to be grateful, do the work, and be able to forgive. And, I also think it is normal and OK not to forget. I think that helps me, protects me, and keeps me safe. That's just me. Trust, though, that was all about me. Everything that happened -- and like many, there was a lot -- I didn't want to let that consume me.

If this is where you are at, and you want to change that, find a sponsor if you don't already have one, and start doing the work there. Blueprint For Progress is a wonderful tool and resource. I heard a woman once share that everything that happened during her marriage and her husband's recovery -- she decided it was going to not like a tattoo but more like a scar. A scar that reminds her, might be sore for a period of time, but heals and fades over time. She spoke for about 5 to 7 minutes on this, so there's a lot more, but the concept, the analogy, was very insightful and meaningful to me. Do the work. You decide what consumes you and what you can get past, and you decide to get better and healthy. Thanks.