The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about Step 4 in recovery - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Al-Anon's guide to taking Step 4, Blue-print for Progress walks us through the process, and the writer shares that they had surprise at how many questions existed about Character assets!
Over and over, questions were asked about positive qualities! The writer suggests frustration over this and considered time wasted looking at what already worked! An Aha moment - these assets had not kept life from becoming unmanageable, so perhaps they weren't worth much. A sponsor suggested continuing as there was always something to learn.
The writer comes to realize the assets are a foundation upon new building. Refusing to recognize them hold back self-esteem. When we see ourselves as pitiful, hopeless and sick, we don't have to 'change'. Willingness was necessary to move forward, listing all the positive attributes and a readiness provided a positive platform for growth and change.
Today's reminder -- Today I will acknowledge that I have many positive qualities, and I will share one or two of these with a friend.
Today's Quote -- "All progress must grow from a seed of self-appreciation..." -- The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
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When I first arrived at recovery and approached Step 4, I equated it to a Confession of sorts from my religious teachings of younger days. I was fearful and wasn't sure of my readiness to lay myself open - after all....I was comfortable keeping many things deep down and hidden within me.
What I came to discover is my secrets keep me sick - unless I am open with myself and completely honest, I am held back from the sunlight of the spirit. It is in looking at who I am, what I've done, where I've been and how I felt that I strip down to a naked foundation, ready to be rebuilt in a stronger and healthier fashion.
A huge difference from my teachings is the look at positive assets/attributes. This was really new for me, and gave me a look into who I was from a different point of view. I discovered that most of my defects were actually over-extended/abused assets. For instance, I have great attention to detail - a lovely asset for proofreading yet....that same asset was detrimental to me as I would use it to pick apart those I love. My intent was to 'help' them be better, yet they never asked for my help.
I've also got a keen mind for numbers/finance/accounting. I've always managed my finances with a budget and paid close attention to the 'bottom line'. Yet, in recovery, this black/white thinking had me see each scenario as 'good' or 'bad' - no shades of gray or middle ground.
I'm so grateful that recovery exists for those who want it. I'm so grateful for a smooth easy to follow process that allows me to grow and change when I am ready. I'm grateful for MIP and each of you - happy Thursday to one and all.
I've got little people waking up - gotta run for now - make it a great day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good Morning IAH Great reminder that Step 4 is not simply about beating ourselves up because of our mistakes but it also about uncovering our positive qualities that have been hidden under our negative responses to life.
For me the reading stressed the fact that when we discover these positive qualities it is important that we see and feel them because they are going to be the foundation of our rebuilding of a successful rewarding life.
I found this to be true. Before working this Step, I often beat myself up judged myself harshly and blamed myself for anything and everything that went wrong in the world- i was all powerful.
Gratitude and asset lists helped me gain a more realistic picture of myself. Today I can accept and appreciate the fact that this is indeed a program of self acceptance and appreciation.I am human and not perfect and that is fine.
I appreciate your service so please enjoy those little people and have a lovely day.
Thank you IAH for your service and your share.
I am currently working the 4th step and I avoided it for a while. My sponsor was very patient with me and very kind when helping me through this step and I too realized that it was an inventory not a list of flaws. One of the readings talks about how if you had a toystore you would need to take an inventory of what you had so you could figure out what you need and what you had to work with and this inventory is very similar. I am discovering a lot of positive qualities and I am also discovering some not so great qualities too but that's ok because I have the support of a sponsor and a program that are here to support me. I have often had a hard time admitting my flaws and errors because the people in my life can be so hard on me for them but this program counteracts that. I can appreciate my positive attributes without discounting them and that is a true gift.
I love the perspective that your assets can also be your flaws. Sometimes I get caught up in black and white thinking, too, and cannot view things on a spectrum. This was enlightening to read.
I've done Step 4 several times with my sponsor. Whenever I got stuck she would suggest I take a good look at myself, fears , resentments, anger, etc., but not the alcoholic's flaws. In looking at myself I could see that I had some things to change, and that I better focus on me. The A never changed no matter what I did, and I was like a dog chasing its own tail. The other thing Step 4 did for me was that over time, I was able to see my good parts. I wasn't all bad after all. I had spent years hating myself and never seeing any good. Step 4 helped me achieve better balance. As Betty said, Progress not perfection, a wonderful slogan, Lyne
Thank you IAH for C2C on Step 4 and for those who gave ESH before me. I think of step 4 much like balancing my checkbook, (for dinosaurs like me that still keep one ). If I check my assets and debits on a regular basis it results in more serenity. I also like a reminder from ODAT p. 295 that says: " Do I habitually criticize others? I will learn to Live and let Live. Am I fearful, picuring with dread what the future will bring? I will Let Go and Let God and live only for this one day. Do I aggrevate family problems with temper tantrums and uncontrolled words and actions? I will remind myself to Think. Am I constantly in a state of flustered confusion? I will put First things First." These Slogans help me so much daily. I also have found that I don't have a poker face, my face and tone very much give away my feelings so I am more consiously aware of my expression and tone of voice.
Thank you for your service, IAH, and all who shared esh. I'm also now working through step 4, and I realize I have a real problem viewing my positive sides objectively. I kind of see this self-searching process as a reconciliation of two distinct ways I view myself - one (dominant) is feeling less than, not as good as, not quite X, whatever it might be, and the other is this feeling of great arrogance which I experience in short bursts, usually very quickly followed by shame that I can feel so superior. I feel this division is becoming less pronounced the more I get to know myself, but its there and I feel its really unhealthy, like some kind of split personality. I think I've had this issue since childhood, actually, in some form. This also reminds me how I used to treat my abf before coming to Alanon - mostly lovingly, (even when I was angrily at him or doing some other, crazier stuff), but quite regularly I would feel so superior to him, I despised him... And afterwards was ashamed of that. Well, these two parts of my attitude have now been for the most part molded into a healthier and more realistic outlook on things - I hate and despise alcoholism and what it does to people, I understand my abf is sick.
Aline,
I had that split personality also before AlAnon and when I was first in AlAnon. I had to use my step 4 experience and try to figure out why, in the hubby's case, he could so anger me that I felt so superior. I finally figured out that I had put him on such a high pedestal that he enraged me when he was who he was. I wanted him to keep on acting and being like that person who was on my pedestal. It was really my fault for not respecting him enough to let him be who he is. I remember using phrases like "feet of clay" a lot to remind me what was reality and what was my own fantasy. It was easier then to just be/feel superior to him because I wasn't acting like him and I was more like the person on the pedestal of my imagination.
Great shares all - love when the daily 'speaks' to us....I also am so grateful that even with the same books, each day that the reading rolls to, it's like I've never read it before....might be an age issue - I like to think it's because with every ounce of growth I get from recovery, I am a new/better version of me.
Little people were fun/great! I so enjoy being with them - my son....well - his children may have him beat on maturity at moments. We had a good time and they enjoyed their sleepover. I readily admit I took a long afternoon nap - I'm having blood sugar issues and it's affecting my energy/mood. Working on it - not always easy to figure it out...
Off to softball in the rain in a while - hopeful it won't rain yet that's not what the weather folks say!!! (((Hugs))) to all - until tomorrow!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I, too, thought it was a confession session without the clergy man....All my life I did not know WHO WHAT I was...what I wanted..what I did not want...I had no clue
step 4 was like opening the gates to Sobibor and setting me free...first I was scared..the sunshine and cleanliness almost hurt, but little by little, I found my legs, I began to know ME..to reclaim ME...to learn how to care for ME.....oh yea
I LOVE step 4...I work it regularly and with step 10 ea. day.....
