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My husband had a love relationship with alcohol for almost 50 years, beginning in his teens. He never verbally acknowledged alcohol caused any problems despite being stopped and let go by police, arrested, being too drunk to go to the hospital when our children had accidents or serious illnesses, or how it impacted our relationship.
Some 5 years ago, he began coming home from work so drunk most days that he could hardly stand up. One time he damaged his car as he pulled into the garage but denied it could have happened. Once he fell asleep at a red light as he was driving. Then one day our son stopped by his office mid day, found him drunk. The degree of his drinking became apparent and he somewhat acknowledged it might have become a coping strategy for his stress. He never used any resource to assist him, just stopped drinking. For a while, he would say "I've had enough alcohol to last me a lifetime". About a year ago, he began taking a drink, or two, when we were at people's homes but his drinking never exceeded that controlled consumption.
Earlier this month, my heavy drinking relatives visited our home. They travel with their alcohol so they can be sure to have their quota each day (we don't have alcohol here). Seeing people drinking in our home was just too much for him to resist. He began drinking again.
The hard thing for me is, when he drinks, he begins engaging in what he thinks are "clever" (?) remarks criticizing or making fun of me in front of the relatives. He began on day 2 (they were here 10 days). I told him the remarks were hurtful and asked him to please stop. He continued, and got to the point of making "jokes" about me repeatedly throughout the day in front of the relatives. I guess alcohol gives him the ability to say what he truly thinks of me all the time.
I really understand I cannot control other people. If these relatives come to my home, they will drink because they drink every day. But, truthfully, having heavy drinkers in my home results in a really unpleasant experience for me.
((Ignutah)) I hear you an do understand. I have learned to "validate"myself in situation such as this. I do not engage but do present myself in a positive light (with a smile) contradicting the "Jokers view" and then let it go.
As for the visits-- It is your home so you can be unavailable the next time they plan a visit
(((Ignutah ))) It hurts to be the brunt of someone's joke or put down. I have found that the best way to stop that behavior is to not be present : at the table, the room or the house when this kind of talk begins. It didn't take long to establish my boundaries on what I wouldn't tolerate. As for the drinking relatives, I agree with Betty; I would be unavailable or ask them if they need hotel reservations. Alcoholism is a painful, progressive disease. You didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. Take care of yourself and please keep coming back!
I agree that you don't have to be present. It sounds as if there's not much fun in these visits from these relatives anyway. We're under no obligation to stick around for people to ridicule us, drink in our house despite our wishes, etc. Hope you can take good care of yourself.
(((Hugs))) - it does hurt to be the brunt of cruel words and jokes. I am sorry for your experience and pain. Visits here improve more and more and more when I can use the program to set my boundaries. I've made it perfectly clear my home is dry - alcohol is not permitted unless I say so - doesn't matter who purchases it.
I have relatives that choose to stay in hotels because of this. That's OK - their choice. I have others who don't come to family functions here - again, that's OK - their choice. I love that the program taught me Yes and No are complete answers, and I do not ever have to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
I have walked out of many rooms where my family was trash-talking me or others. I gave up gossip, chaos and drama after working the steps and truly have no issue is leaving any room, any home and where that begins to affect my serenity. If anyone dares to ask why I left, I simply state I was uncomfortable with what was happening.
Be gentle with you and know that what others think of us is not fact! You are worthy! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hugs .. it hurts and rightfully so to have someone say things that are just out of line.
I agree doing something for YOU such as a spa weekend or something where you don't need to be there .. all about that .. I also have a no drunk in my home boundary .. they are more than welcome to be drunk elsewhere .. just not in my home.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I agree that you don't have to be present. It sounds as if there's not much fun in these visits from these relatives anyway. We're under no obligation to stick around for people to ridicule us, drink in our house despite our wishes, etc. Hope you can take good care of yourself.
my Ex AH#1 did this to me...he would "have a few" and begin to make jokes, more like putdowns with a smile, on me....MY RX??? walk out.....he even did this to me on my wedding rehearsal (WHAT a red flag and I was too CoDa to see it) hes making fun of me and I got up and walked out on the rehearsal...everyone is running after me to "come back" and I was GONE--outta there....I did that ea. time he did this.....it was easier for him to put ME down then to lift HIMSELF up into being a human being...I see this now...too bad I didn't see it then (well...did, but I was in denial big time---no self esteem that I have now)
My parents use to come and visit us also (they have since passed away). When they came it was a horrible time. A lot of arguing, drinking, being mouthy, etc. On their last visit I wrote my mom a letter to let her know how I felt. It did not go over very good, but I stood my ground. I feel for you and I am so sorry you had to put up with that. Positive thoughts are coming from me to you.
The way I see it now is that Alanon is teaching me that my life is important, my happiness is important and this kind of situation is just plain unacceptable.Knowing the damage alcoholism has had on me and my family, inviting a bunch of hard drinking folk into my home is a recipe for disaster and so no. No is a complete sentence. I have enough evidence, years of it, that I don't do well in the company of alcoholics, in fact it harms me and you just got a reminder. Listen to your instincts, say no to this kind of crap and it wont happen again.
I'm sorry you for the hurt you're feeling because of behavior of your drinking husband and relatives. It's the alcoholism talking. Alcoholism can be an ugly disease inwords and actions that can hold others hostage. It tries to pinpoint your vulnerabilities, strike and inflict emotional pain. Active drinkers tell bold faced lies about themselves and others. Self loathing causes people to put others down. It's a way to boost themselves up. The unacceptable behavior temporarily fills the god sized hole within them, dispel possible guilt and satisfies resentment towards others who don't approve of their drinking.
You said that now you know what he really thinks of you. That's the gotcha moment, Ignutah. At least in my experience, it's when I gave my power away to see myself in the worst light, to see myself through the dark god sized hole of an active drinking. Before Alanon, the gotcha moment for the alcoholic was the look on my face. Sometimes it was anger. Other times sadness and instead of self confidence, I had a shamed posture.
How powerful the disease of alcoholism can be to overtake us physically, spiritually and emotionally without recovery. The same can be said for the alcoholic. I'm glad you decided to share this because so many of us have experienced it. The words sting, yes but thankfully with our program we know our worth. With Alanon recovery, we're no longer looking at ourselves in a cracked mirror. The active alcoholic still is.
Some times are more difficult than others to separate the loved one from their disease especially when we are the butt of ridicule. You're every bit as brilliant as you were before these jokes at your expense. I try to remind myself whether I'm dealing with active alcoholics or anyone else for that matter who acts unkindly toward me, everyone is an imperfect human being who will act according to where they are at.
I see that I have choices now since Alanon recovery. I can choose to act or to be acted upon. For me detachment can be a great tool in situations like the one that happened in your home. I use prayer as a detachment tool particularly the Serenity Prayer. I don't have to engage in unhealthy verbal exchanges. I don't need to prove I don't deserve unacceptable behavior. I know it, I believe it to my core :) I can keep it simple for my own sanity. Say a prayer and let hp go to work.
I hope you'll give yourself lots of love today, treat yourself to things you enjoy. Alcoholic stupid talk... pfffft! ((((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi there,
I can relate to your post. My AH had a very bad habit of making me the butt of his jokes, OR criticizing me in front of family members (drunk or sober). I used to hate making a scene and try to avoid it at any price. I would find it embarrassing and humiliating and just be quiet so it would stop. One of the first things the program gave me was the feeling of being able to stand up for myself. I remember the first time this started to happen he started to make fun of me being frazzled and not being able to find my keys or something of the sort and it went on and on to the point where he was implying that I was dumb. I said very simply "don't speak about me that way, just because I couldn't find my keys doesn't mean I'm an idiot". The whole room went silent for a moment and he said "you're right, I'm sorry". His mom actually jumped in and said that's right you should be sorry. I was shocked because I didn't expect that from her. I've learned over time that I don't have to be afraid of making a scene if I need to address something publicly I will do it with as much grace and respect as I can but sometimes that has to happen for me. I've also told my AH that if I am uncomfortable around him and others drinking that I will remove myself and my daughter and I won't make a scene but I don't need to expose myself to uncomfortable situations. It's easy enough for me to say I have a friend's house I need to go to, an errand to run, a prior engagement to attend and make my exit. It took some practice but I've learned to speak up for myself. Wishing you all the best with this.
