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So, yea. Payday. In our house it's "Drunk Thursday." So the next couple of days are hard, but let's talk about ME! LOL!
At my place of employment, I can see out a very large bay window. Were talking storefront large. My AH drives a BRIGHT yellow/orange work truck... it is literally impossible to miss. So today I see him driving in the parking lot and going to his bank. I actually watch him walk up to the ATM and then get back into his truck and drive across the parking lot. He was wearing his day-glo safety vest from work still, so he was easy as pie to spot. Well, I know what comes next... out the parking lot and into the liquor store lot at the bottom of our street (yes, we have a liquor store at the bottom of our block).
When I drive home 2 hrs later, I see him driving down our street. He stops and rolls down his window, so I do the same. "I am going to the bank to get you your money" he says.
I just responded with, "OK." But then I got to thinking, wait a minute... didn't I see him at the bank earlier? So I turn onto our actual street (we are a east/west street off of a long north/south street) and circle around. Sure enough, he was parked in the liquor lot, and was walking out of the liquor store. I was able to get home before him and he didn't even see me. As he gets out of his car I ask him, "Did you forget to get the cash earlier when you were at the bank?"
"I wasn't at the bank earlier."
"Yes you were, I saw you drive in the parking lot and walk up to your ATM."
"There is NO WAY you could've seen me all the way across that parking lot."
Now, you have to understand me to know that type of talk is a HUGE trigger for me... it is one of the things my AH does all the time... to the point that I can actually begin to doubt what I know to be true!! But now I know it is GASLIGHTING and how to deal with it. I just said "OK" and walked into the house. A short time later my AH begins to tell me, "I know why you think you saw me, my supervisor called me and told me he saw me on Mountain Ave. so we met up in your parking lot and I drove across so that I could show him our house."
"Um. OK."
"What? You don't believe me?"
Now this is the good part... I said very calmly, "There is no way to miss your shiny new, orange truck and your day-glo safety vest. I know what I saw, and I don't feel the need to argue over it. Let's just leave it at that." And I walked out of the bedroom. Not only did he NOT follow me around the house trying to argue, but it felt so good standing with my truth and not trying to justify myself!
I then took my kid to his therapist appointment and then dinner. And yup! AH was drunk when we got home. But kid and I are able to eat peacefully. BTW, my son's name for his father is "Man-Baby." The funny thing is, that moniker is SO DARN ACCURATE! When he is drinking, he is just like a huge baby! Honestly, this name helps me to detach or laugh at some of the cr*p he does... like, "Oh, it's just the Man-Baby doing what he does." Because there are so many things Man-Baby does that either cause resentments or just plain pisses me off. This helps to diffuse that somehow. Weird. But useful.
Now I have to figure out how to sleep in an alcohol scented bedroom!
Lavender spray here I come!
Thanks for listening!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
The lying really blew me away. especially in the beginning. I couldn't believe that he seriously would lie and turn it around to make me doubt what I saw or was thinking! I started doing what you did and I was proud of myself for getting to that point instead of wasting my energy yelling all night. Eventually for me, the lying continued, even during recovery, so I could no longer trust him at all. Even though he is my ex abf now, I still like being on this forum as helps me learn it wasn't just me going crazy and I learn more about myself and my choices!
Way to detach PnP.....I recall an awareness at some point in all the chaos - it appears that alcoholics/addicts are honest only when caught red-handed....So - my value/definition of honesty and integrity are vastly different than theirs. Yet, working in recovery and the steps gave me back enough of me to realize that my truth is only important to me! Even if they don't agree with me, it's OK - I just do as you do - speak it as kindly as possible and then don't JADE.
There is no issue at all finding humor to aid recovery!! I can so relate to the man-baby term....funny, funny, funny!!! I had to laugh this week at my world - I've been busy lately with many things, some 'extra' so burning the candle at both ends. Anyhoo, when I finally realized that Sunday was not going to be Norman Rockwell around here several years ago, I filled my Sunday with recovery, fellowship and friends. What this means is I go to a morning meeting, play sober softball early afternoon and league softball in the evening. This has been constant for several years.
My oldest sent a text Tuesday wanting to know if we (my AH & I) wanted to join him and his kids at Lego Land this Sunday. I can readily admit that Lego Land would not be my choice of activities (inside, crowded, week-end) on a free day, so was grateful to remind him my Sundays are busy. I asked my AH and he said, "You are not talked to me, are you?" We were the only 2 in the room.....
I suggested he call our son and let him know his answer. So, even when my 'people' try to put me back into a mother/control/power position, I can say my peace, and step right back out and let them talk it out. All of how this played out is growth around here. I am grateful and you are doing great - it's always about progress girl!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think you did well P and P I know how difficult it can be to deal with that kind of behaviour. It's so helpful to me to be able to stand in my truth and know that I can trust myself and my impression of things. I find in my situation the more I try to confront my AH on his lies the more he tries to prove me wrong, discredit me or argue me into agreement with him. My sponsor often says "the alcoholic is going to drink what are you going to do?". I always say that to myself on the way home on Fridays. It prompts me to take the focus off what he's doing because I likely already know what he's doing and then I can focus on me....what do I want to do on a Friday night? In the past two years I have built quite the life for myself. I spend more time with friends, I go to meetings, I go to the gym three times a week , I'm healthier, I'm happier and I've discovered new things I enjoy doing like sketching and walking the dog. A whole new world opened up to me when I started to go to Al Anon. So in a weird way I am grateful to my AH for giving me a reason to get my butt out the door and doing things again. A desire not to be around him when he is drunk has given me so many other options in my life.
As far as the sleeping thing I can relate. I have a spare room that I have made quite cozy for myself. I was resentful at first of not being able to sleep in my own bed but when I let go of that resentment and just accepted it I was able to come up with options. I made the spare room into a space I wanted to be in. I keep the things in there I might need (an al anon book, spare PJs, a nice duvet on the bed) so that when I can't sleep in my own bed I have a little oasis to myself. When we have guests and I can't sleep in my own room I move to the couch. What works best for me is to not even try to sleep in an alcohol smelling room. I just can't sleep and I get so irritated. This is how I take care of me.
Keep working the program you're doing great.
Aerin - Yes, the lying seems to be the worst for me. It is a huge trigger for ME to act crazy! I think because I lived with his meth use for years and years before I finally found evidence, and those years were full of him claiming I was "crazy." So when he embraced Recovery (6 years ago) it was the thing he would always bounce back in my face - you may know the drill... "I am in Recovery now, and your constant disbelief in what I say is really hurting me... why can't you just believe me?" So like a good wife, I worked hard at fighting those urges and taking him at his word. Six years later, it is that mentality that has "ignored" all the signs of alcohol abuse earlier in the year (and last year) and now has me so resentful. So I am really trying to work on MY program and leave him alone. I am blessed to have Al-Anon and this board in my life now.
Thank you, Mattie! I have to admit, I did feel pretty good about myself. :)
Iamhere - Thank you for your words... as usual I can always take away something of value! I can relate to your "Norman Rockwell Sunday." It is something I am learning to let go of as well. I feel like I have had that exact answer from my AH! LOL! I can see the strong Program in you! I want what you have! There have been times I have moved mountains all to please others... and my AH ends up not going or we fight the whole way there... and my peace is always stolen from me! I am beginning to understand that in most cases I am giving it away!!!
KT - Thank you for your ESH. You are absolutely correct... it seems to be incredibly helpful for me to be able to stand in MY truth and trust myself and my impressions. Because my AH is like yours... will go to almost any lengths to "prove" his point of view. At first, I found using the tools hard because my AH would follow me around the house (or outside), to try and illicit an argument. I am sad to say that it usually worked. Mainly b/c of my feelings on knowing my truth and having to be 'right' about it. But I have found that the more I believe in MY truth and don't even care if my AH believes me, the more that seems to diffuse this whole dance my AH and I do. So I am finding that this tool really does work! But understanding it is more about your own mindset than your qualifiers, makes all the difference. I have kind of been doing the single thing for awhile now, just because my AH is either drunk or just doesn't want to go out. But I always had resentments. The saying "The alcoholic is going to drink, what are you going to do?" didn't click with me at first, because I always thought the 'what are you going to do?' part meant, what are you going to do about the drinking? When I really understood it actually means. 'What are you going to do FOR YOURSELF?' that is when I began to accept things as they were, and I began to lose some of the resentments. Work in progress, right?
I wish I had another room in my house!!! I would set that sucker up for me so fast, it would make your head spin! LOL! For today, I do the best with what I have... thanks to suggestions on MIP! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
It is Friday morning here in sunny CA. And yes, I will be saying on my way home from work, "You know what your AH will be doing, what are you going to do FOR YOU!" LOL!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
The stories they tell when they're trying to avoid telling the truth....OMG!!! I've heard some whoppers lately. Even to the point where I had to say "are you going to stand there and lie about what I saw with my own eyes??" Anyway I agree with you that it's better to laugh than cry. š Stay strong (((hugs)))
Thank you, Jayla! I have actually been the one to stand there and say that exact thing to my AH. Unfortunately, that was his cue to argue even more. I was told on this board, "Is it more important for you to be right, or be at peace?" It took awhile, but I really wanted to have peace.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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