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Today I am going to a discharge planning meeting with my A and her therapist . My A has no concept, no understanding, and no interest, in planning her next helpers after a 6 week intensive day program. She only went because of me. So at this juncture it is up to her , and I think she will relapse rather quickly. I asked HP what can I do for me? The answer came rather quickly-I have to accept her behavior as she wants it to be. I can try and detach with love. I can't change her. Around and around and around I go, Lyne
Hi Lyne, I found "acceptance" difficult because it was painful. I had to see the reality (awareness), sit with it in acceptance and then act.
Before program I would see a problem. jump immediately to "action" and attempt to fix it not knowing how ot fix it and not having the power to fix it as I was truly powerless.. Since I was taking action it felt good. Acceptance enabled me to respect anothers choices, knowing that hP was in control and look for the lessons I needed to learn in the issue.
Practicing detachment sound like a great deal of wisdom.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers for your partner's success. My hubby needed 10 rehabs in order to finally enter AA and stay.
Aloha Lyne...In the Big Book of AA in part it reads "and I have come to understand that Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems..." and it goes on a bit further. Acceptance when I first looked at it seemed very very rational. I wasn't accepting the morality of the problem and just the fact of it (Al-Anon). I accepted it all and left nothing to chance which was part and partial of my willful ego. I was a fixer and raised to be a fixer without justification or excuse for letting go of what I thought was a problem I could fix. I saw my alcoholic addict and the other alcoholics in my life as fixable without excuse and so I was a mess. Getting the entire gist of the 1st step worked miracles and I practiced the admission of powerless daily once I understood and confirmed the consequence that my life had become very very unmanageable. I reviewed that evidence this morning as I looked at the responsibilities of and in my life and how I am handling them. I'm doing good...not perfect and better than before. I was raised by my number one qualifier, my mother and still have the urge to abandon my self responsibilities in favor of double tasking for others. I will not accept those consequences again when I have other more sane solutions.
Acceptance buggers my pride and ego. If I accept what I cannot and will not control I forfeit the opportunity for praise and adulation if and when my fixing comes out their way and problem is "they" learn nothing other than to call out for "unko Jerry" again.
Practice, Practice, Practice sister...you do good. ((((hugs))))
(((Lyne))) - great shares above me - I hear you and understand where you are. I too love that you heard an answer - and hard as it is, I believe you will get through this and while fear may creep up, you work a good program - do all that you can to stay present. That seems to help me with acceptance if I can do it in small chunks of time.
Sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think our EGO tells us we are a certain way, we want certain things, but our ego is not always right. We must remain open to new thoughts, new ideas, beyond our comfort zone.... some heart and gut thinking may be in order. Hope all goes well with you Lyne, linsc
I have a different angle on it maybe. I think sometimes acceptance is hard because it means denying us something that we need. For instance, we need to have relationships that are healthy and supportive. Just because we are involved with an alcoholic doesn't mean we can't have them. But we will have to get them from friends, Al-Anoners, our HP, healthy family members, etc., instead of from our A. Sometimes we grew up in bad situations and we don't have many healthy people around. Sometimes we've used so much energy coping with our A that we haven't had time for friends etc. So accepting that the A can't give us those things means realizing that for a while, at least, we are going to be going without. To be clear, we weren't able to get that from our A anyway. But often we hold out hope. Acceptance means accepting that all that effort we put in is not going to give us what we need from them. That's painful. More reason to put our energy into healthy people, but it can be quite hard and sad to change focus.
Today I am going to a discharge planning meeting with my A and her therapist . My A has no concept, no understanding, and no interest, in planning her next helpers after a 6 week intensive day program. She only went because of me. So at this juncture it is up to her , and I think she will relapse rather quickly. I asked HP what can I do for me? The answer came rather quickly-I have to accept her behavior as she wants it to be. I can try and detach with love. I can't change her. Around and around and around I go, Lyne
If she only went because of you -- well, that's not the ideal reason or motivation. Sure, the immediate reaction is she went, that's all that counts. One day at a time. OK, got that. Regardless, you are dead on 100% right -- it is up to her! Period. There are no commas at the end of that sentence.
Acceptance can be hard. Intellectually it's easy. Step one says "admit" -- but the step is about acceptance. There is a big difference between admit and accept. Admit is simply an act -- I admit I can't do anything about her drinking/drug use. That's easy. Acceptance is a state of mind, something that has to be embraced, absolute, etc. Acceptance is when you admit you can't do anything about it, accept it and then give up your will, and surrender, and stop trying to do anything about it. Big difference. There is a lot of work in and around this discussion.
So, acceptance...it is hard and I think one has to truly immerse themselves in it so that they can have and maintain that mindset. Yes, we have slips in our thinking and behavior, but like an alcoholic who has a slip -- we bounce right back! We go to a meeting, call our sponsor, start doing the work again, and that's what we do and that's why we are healthy! Acceptance can be painful -- because it is not what we want. Sometimes you might feel like you are being forced into accepting something that -- you don't want, it unfair, is not right, is painful, is hopeless, and so on. It is not our will. Acceptance can be hard because our innate reaction -- is to do something! A loved one is in trouble -- we have to do something!?!?! Right?
I never adopted the mindset of acceptance is allowing the alcoholic the dignity of their own decisions and consequences, or allows them the opportunity to make their own decisions, hit rock bottom, and so on. To me, that's "program-speak" and if it works for you, that's great. To me acceptance -- like this entire program -- was for me, about me, benefitting me, and so on. Acceptance was a relief to me. It took the burden of the world off my shoulders. I found and immersed myself in acceptance for me. Not the alcoholic. If there was a benefit to the other person -- great. But this was for me to get better.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hi Lyne, I found "acceptance" difficult because it was painful. I had to see the reality (awareness), sit with it in acceptance and then act. Before program I would see a problem. jump immediately to "action" and attempt to fix it not knowing how ot fix it and not having the power to fix it as I was truly powerless.. Since I was taking action it felt good. Acceptance enabled me to respect anothers choices, knowing that hP was in control and look for the lessons I needed to learn in the issue.
OMG, this was ME!!! and still is to a degree...I "jump" into "action" like you describe and its because I still fear being powerless..It feels like being helpless and that is one of those "way back in the day" feelings..My life as a child was so OUT of control, I developed the need..the addiction of control...HAD to be in control our life was going to fall apart....I am better, but have much work , yet, to do regarding this issue...I still find myself reacting instead of responding....i am trying this: stop....breathe.....clap my hands and tell negative energy to leave me in peace...do the clapping as often as needed to "break up the bad energy within and outside of me" and THEN, step back if I must and "settle down" THEN go to solution, or walk away if it is one of those "i can't do anything about this"
Acceptance can be hard. Intellectually it's easy. Step one says "admit" -- but the step is about acceptance. There is a big difference between admit and accept. Admit is simply an act -- I admit I can't do anything about her drinking/drug use. That's easy. Acceptance is a state of mind, something that has to be embraced, absolute, etc. Acceptance is when you admit you can't do anything about it, accept it and then give up your will, and surrender, and stop trying to do anything about it. Big difference. There is a lot of work in and around this discussion.
So, acceptance...it is hard and I think one has to truly immerse themselves in it so that they can have and maintain that mindset. Yes, we have slips in our thinking and behavior, but like an alcoholic who has a slip -- we bounce right back! We go to a meeting, call our sponsor, start doing the work again, and that's what we do and that's why we are healthy! Acceptance can be painful -- because it is not what we want. Sometimes you might feel like you are being forced into accepting something that -- you don't want, it unfair, is not right, is painful, is hopeless, and so on. It is not our will. Acceptance can be hard because our innate reaction -- is to do something! A loved one is in trouble -- we have to do something!?!?! Right?
To me acceptance -- like this entire program -- was for me, about me, benefitting me, and so on. Acceptance was a relief to me. It took the burden of the world off my shoulders. I found and immersed myself in acceptance for me. Not the alcoholic. If there was a benefit to the other person -- great. But this was for me to get better.
Dear Bo: This is the absolute best description of admitting - acceptance I've ever read....gonna print this and put it on my wall or something...I have a very hard accepting stuff that is ugly..unfair...forced upon me because it is the reality I did not want....I still am frightened of being powerless-helpless which to me were one in the same until I came here...I am never helpless because very worst case scenario I can just breathe and ride it out as I take care of me the best way I can..helpless means ZERO optons...Powerlessness means, to me, that yea, I have options and I may not like the ones available, but if i focus on self care, that too shall pass.....thank you so much for this awesome share......
