The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about how we learn to speak from our heart with our focus on self. Many of us come to recovery believing we are angry because of others or we are anxious because of others. We come to realize that when we blame others for how we feel, we give them power over our feelings, power that rightly belongs to us.
With program growth, a good sponsor and the steps, we come to understand that nobody makes us feel anything without our consent. A changing attitude truly supports our own personal power to speak our truth and communicate more responsibly. We even learn to argue in a healthier way as we express ourselves differently.
Instead of you statements, we learn I statements. We can talk about self and feelings. We can explain the way we experience something rather than telling others how 'they made us feel'. We can talk about what we want to or need to - we learn we are no longer victims.
Today's Reminder --- "What do my words communicate? Do they express what I am trying to say? Today I will listen more carefully to what my words have to say."
Today's Quote from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage --- "We learn in time that it is not subjects which are controversial, but the manner in which we communicate about them and the elements of personal blame we add to them in anger."
It took me a while to digest the concept of keeping the focus on me....I came truly believing "If only.........then" - if only they would stop then all would be well. I came to believe that I could recover my sanity/self with the program and a higher power no matter what anyone else was doing or not doing.
Learning how to communicate better as my sanity returned was not easy for me. I'd spent a lifetime looking outside myself for the blame as well as the fix. The fix in my thinking had nothing to do with me - my thinking and attitude was distorted. I am grateful for a sponsor who would ask simply How do you Feel? What can you Do? each time I would call and vent about something here/there that had happened.
She helped me change my habits to healthier habits for recovery, healing and dealing. She and the program helped me understand that I always have choices. I also learned I have power to protect my sanity, my joy, etc. I truly am not a victim and am grateful for a changing attitude each day!
We are up early and getting ready to head to the Cancer clinic. Any prayers you got for my friend for today would be awesome. Testing this morning, results around lunchtime and then - we shall see. Softball this evening - another hot day here - grateful to be alive! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great reminder and share IAH. Not blaming others for my feelings and taking responsibility for them was the greatest gift i received from working the Steps. I no longer viewed/ view myself as a victim . I can now own my feelings, trace them within myself, examine my motives, achieve serenity without blaming others or taking the focus off myself--
Today I process my own feelings, grow and learn from each experience. How great is that? Thanks fro your service.
Thank you IAH for taking time out of a packed schedule to share this great page. This concept is a big one for me as I also anchored my thoughts of contentment to the actions/behavior/outcomes of others, particularly my qualifier.
It is still a daily challenge, but it is so empowering when I reduce things down to what I can do, like simply turning my head to see a different view rather than changing the skyline...and it is much easier and pleasant for those around me
Thoughts and prayers with you, your group and your friend...
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you. I love this reading, it blew my mind when I learned this, that I could actually decide to 'take' a hurt or not. The power was mine!!! Wow, I mostly chose not to these days and life is so much better and people are so much better from this perspective.
oh yea, like el-cee, it blew MY mid, too, that I could take charge of my life and decide to be a victim or victorious...I was ALWAYS lookin outside of me..waiting for that magical rescue from my woes...OR cursing someone ELSE for my feelings when the responsibility for my rescue or my feelings or my self care is WITHIN...never outside of me...my ability to relate to others has changed so much for the good...noone runs my days or dictates how I feel but ME.....the slogan "keep the focus on me" comes to mind.....Loved this share...Needed the reminder ...Thank you and thank you, Iamhere for the nice welcome back (((hugs)))
Thanks for your service, IAH. Before coming to Alanon it didn't even really occur to me that I may be responsible for my feelings if anyone else was also involved (which is most of the time, of course). I feel I'm now learning a new and much, much better set of tools than I ever had or could think of. :)
Awesome shares all - thank you for your ESH. You know - when I just 'roll with things', the outcomes are just awesome/miraculous...
We were up early, showered and out the door. My friend had to have her 'scan' to see what was happening with her cancer. Long story short, that took a while and then we had a couple hours to kill. We did all we could to pass the time....and then returned for the results.
Essentially, when we returned, the Dr. shared that in his 20 years treating cancer patients, she was responding better to the treatment than anyone else. Less than 6 months ago, she thought this would be her last Christmas and she would not see her only child graduate from HS. Now, everything is so, so different - we cried and I think he was uncertain what to say/do.
It was a long day that had a very miraculous middle! She drove back home and I went and played softball. We lost both games and I just really do not care after our earlier news. God is good. Our small group is all beyond words as she almost did not go for a second opinion. Without that, she would not be where she is as this treatment is way different than before, and the before was not working on her particular cancer.
So - it's been a really, really good day.....and we just literally put one foot in front of the other, and rolled into/through the day. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Delighted to be reading this today. I'm not exactly having a moment of clarity as my mind is all a jumble and also in a loud hairdresser. But I did have an incident with my other half this morning as we were all getting piled into the car. He was getting stuff in the basement which also opens out to where the car is parked. I had left the front door open for him to lock while I got the kids into the car. I thought about asking him if I would lock the front door (he sometimes will leave the house through the basement and sometimes through the front door). I anticipated him getting cross saying 'yes, yes, yes, of course I'm coming out the basement door' or 'why would you lock the front door?'. In my mind I was just going to have a problem from him no matter. So I just left it and waited in the car to see what would happen.I could see him leaving through the basement door and locking it so I got out of the car and went back up the front steps to lock the front door. On the one hand I was just trying to get us all out the door but I did harbour a little invisible resentment - or so I thought. On the journey he pulled me up on it and said that my whole body language was displaying how pissed of I was about going up to lock the door. I do find him tricky to deal with at times so it gave us the opportunity to clarify things. But I was definitely the one who had to apologise and say it was unfair that he had to experience this. I did manage point out, however, that it needs to be OK for me to ask if I should lock the front door without 'of course you should' or 'what do you think?'. To be honest I don't know if I'm dealing with sarcasm, bullying or what. As I said, I can't think straight right now but i look forward to that moment of clarity soon. Delighted about your friend. It's nice to get good cancer stories.
(((FF))) - thank you for the warm thoughts of my friend - it was one of those days where you just feel so blessed without doing anything other than going through the motions!!
I recall when my boys were small and getting out the door seemed to be the biggest challenge of the day....it was usually rushed, stressful, chaotic and often just not fun at all. I hear all that you are saying, and recall many times asking myself, "Will I get yelled at if I ask this question?" I actually used to spend tons of time deciding whether I should/should not ask questions!! And - at that time, it was stressful and so important in the moment in my mind.
As my sanity returned, and my self-confidence was restored, it is in recovery that I learned to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. My step work revealed that in an effort to be 'partners', I often asked questions of others that sparked disagreements instead of discussions. It was never on purpose, it seemed 'normal' to me at the time.
My sponsor instead suggested I try to turn questions that popped up into I statements with a question ending ONLY if necessary. In your case, I may have said, "I am going to go ahead and lock the front door unless you need something else from there." Count to three and take action. I started doing this with many things - meals, laundry, errands, etc.
Instead of what sounds good for dinner....I'm cooking xyz for dinner and it will be ready at x:xx.
Instead of do you have dirty clothes that need washing....I'm doing laundry tomorrow - if you've got dirties, please put into the laundry room by xx:xx.
I did not realize until recovery that with each question I asked - big or small - I was giving away a little bit of power. Just some ESH - may/may not apply to your situation/relationship! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
