The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I mentioned that my ex-AH came to visit our kid, and was living such a chaotic life that I threw him out and made him go stay in a hotel. He wasn't drunk, but his behavior was just compulsive and inconsiderate. I lost my cool, which I regret, but setting the boundary is not something I regret.
He was in very bad health while he was here, and then he went back home and had a bad fall. And so he went and had tests and was diagnosed with cancer. Of course then I was worried and troubled. Then he stopped communicating and that was even more worrisome. I finally had to have people track him down at his house. The news I was getting from third parties was bizarre and contradictory and I couldn't figure out what was going on at all.
But finally I put the pieces together. After the fall, when he did hurt himself badly, he went to the doctor, and the doctor gave him pain pills. This he admits freely. I'm sure the rest of you are saying "Ohhhhh - oh, we know what happened next." Yep. Big binge on the pain pills. Two weeks of being unavailable, writing incomprehensible emails, completely losing his grip. Finally it all begins to make sense.
So of course this is dismaying, but finally I am thinking, "Now that I understand that we're in the thick of addictive behavior, I can handle this. I'm not happy about it, but I can handle it, because this is something I have the tools for. I know how to detach, how not to have unrealistic expectations, and to let go and let God." And now it sounds as if it isn't cancer after all. It's the same old chaos, and I can turn my back on the chaos. I leave him to it and wish him the best. I am so grateful for the tools.
Mattie it is okay to let his doctor know that he is an addict to mind and mood altering chemicals and then let it go...That was the best I could do given the same scenario. Good to hear from you again. (((hugs)))
Thanks for your thoughts. I actually don't have any access to his doctor, and in fact now that he is back home, we are living 5000 miles apart. If he was really incapacitated, I would try to help, but seeing that it turns out that he is voluntarily incapacitated, I will let him make his own choices.
First, the 5000 mile distance is impressive. You win!
You are well served using your tools gained at AlAnon. What a difference from dealing with an incapacitated person on our own.
Best wishes for continued boundaries and detachment. (For me, some days it takes constant diligence.)
