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Hello This is my first time posting to a message board. I'm just starting this process of being the wife of an addict, or I guess admitting that I'm the wife of an addict. I'm planning on attending my first meeting next week. I'm scared and actually I'm kind of angry that I need to do this. My husband has been spiraling out of control with alcohol and cocaine for a couple of years. I was either in denial or just didn't think it was that big of a deal. I recently took charge of the finances and was shocked when I retraced his spending habits. I'm concerned about him having access to our money. I'm thinking about opening a new checking account only in my name and transfering the bill-paying money into it so he can't get at it. Any suggestions? Is this a wise thing to do? I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement. I'm feeling helpless and powerless. I'm sure you've all felt this way at some point.
Artygirl
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I feel powerless quite often, hence the screen name. First of all, welcome. I am glad you are here. This forum offers much support and I have learned so much. Please check out the chat room as well. We have online meetings there too. I had to open a separate account for the bill money so I could make sure we weren't sitting in the dark. For me, it was the best thing I could do. One of the first things and most difficult things for me to realize was that I am indeed powerless of my husband's drug use.
Welcome to this wonderful group. You are certainly not alone in having financial issues. I have plenty from living with an A. I also have lots of boundary issues too.
I think many of us live in denial for a long long time. I did. I did not even realise the A had a substance abuse problem because he hid it a lot from me. He still does. This week he supposedly had a heart attack but he is right as rain now. People I know who have had heart attacks say the pain is indescriable. He felt it was okay for me to have to drop eveything for him but if I ask for anything I am labelled as a real problem. I guess I am not supposed to be human at all or just to "give" to him.
I think the answer to the money issue comes over time. I know I try to really keep a separate life from the A as much as I can. I am not married to him though so I am not liable for his bills. I think the issue over liability is complicated but if he has taken money for the bills you may want to consider the separate bank account stuff. I think if you stay in Al-anon how to have boundaries, how to detach evolves over time and you start to make choices that are in your interest rather than purely in his interest.
Thank you, Powerless I appreciate your reply. I've taken his credit and debit card but he has still been able to withdraw money. I'm afraid I wont be able to pay the bills if this keeps up. It's just so hard to know what to do. I'm sure everyone has felt the way I'm feeling right now... I never thought this would happen to me. I've been married to my husband for 16 years... most of them were great until about 4 years ago. This wonderful loving man has turned into a liar and a sneak. I just want my husband back.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Welcome to MIP. This is the place to be for support and knowledge. I think we all long for that person we use to know and love. Alanon has lots of tools like keeping the focus on us. As for the finances I think you know what is best. My A is an accountant so I never really did much or question anything. But now I am coming to realize that he doesn't always exhibit the best judgment and I have to look out for myself and become more knowledgeable.
Walk through that fear and go to your f2f meeting. Keep coming back.
Hi Artygirl. A very warm welcome to MIP and Al-Anon. Congratulations on coming here and for finding out about face 2 face (f2f) meetings, it's the first step. I very much relate to what you've shared. I was with my partner for 10 wonderful years before things started to go wrong. Over the next four years it degenerated gradually until the last year of our marriage when I literally felt I had been dragged to Hell and back.
It was hard for me to recognise the problem as my A drank/used away from home and didn't come back until he was more or less straight. There were no empty bottles or 'paraphernalia' to find, no smell of drink on him etc and he 'covered his tracks' really well with lies and deceptions, which were so out-of-character that it was some time before I recognised the lies for what they were. Mostly, there was just the ever-increasing disappearances, personality changes and some very strange, unexpected problems. My instincts told me something was wrong, I just didn't know what. He fobbed it off as pressure of work etc,etc. In our last year of marriage it all kicked-off and I lived first-hand some real horrors of alcoholism/addiction.
I had always had primary control of our finances with my A's agreement but this didn't stop us from getting into debt as he just told me he needed the money to pay for work tools etc in order to continue to fund his habit. I thought if he didn't have the tools he couldn't do the job and we would lose our sole source of income as I couldn't work for health reasons. It was years later I realised just how expensive these work tools turned out to be lol. Bless my naivety! I think it may have minimised the damage though. We can't give direct advice, sorry, we can only share our experience strength and hope (ESH). You must do what you think is right for you to keep yourself protected.
In some ways I'm glad he wasn't active at home as I think I got the 'tail-end' of the disease and believe me that was damaging enough! You need to know that it is a disease and that it is progressive. It's also the only disease that will tell the sufferer they haven't got one. I didn't understand this at first, I honestly believed it was a choice as I had no experience of drink and its effects.
My husband and I separated in 1999 but kept in contact and I witnessed the further progression of his illness but I had seriously underestimated the impact his disease had on me. I heard about Al-Anon via the AA helpline as my A was crawling round the living-room floor begging for help. I realised I didn't know how to help him. When I called AA they said my A would have to phone himself when he sobered up but gave me details of an Al-Anon meeting being held that night. God bless that service-worker! I was distraught but for the first time I recognised my powerlessness, covered my A with a blanket and left him on the floor while I went to a meeting. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.
I felt I'd made it home. I sensed the love in the room. I was so messed up I had no self-awareness and no understanding of how a meeting was run. I babbled incoherently through most of it, monopolised the meeting and cross-talked. When someone very gently and lovingly 'pulled me up' for cross-talking I burst into tears! Not because I'd been pulled up but because it was the first time in a long time I had been shown love and kindness. This may sound a little horrendous but please remember it's not like that for everyone. When I reflect I'm amazed I ever went back but I believe the hand of God was in there guiding me as I was too messed up to know what I was doing.
I also felt irked that I was the one getting help when he was the one with the problem. I soon realised the program was for and about me not him. Al-Anon was a lifeline to me in my time of need. I hope you will find the experience as rewarding and as fulfilling as I have. Al-Anon teaches us that we can be happy, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Eventually, my A hit his bottom, sought help for himself and we are now reconciled. A miracle when I think I'd gotten to the point where I couldn't even sit in a room with him!
Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a novel but I wanted to share my ESH with you so you knew you were not alone and to help you understand a little about the disease and the fellowship. I hope it's helped.
Welcome Artygirl. Glad you have come to join us. Straight to the point...I think you are wise to separate funds. Open up that account in your name only. Quickly. And put a little extra padding in it other than bill money. It may come in handy someday.
I wish you well. Come back often. With great concern and caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Welcome to MIP! I hope you will find the ESH you need here. I'm sure you will come to love us as we already love you! Although that is from the alanon meeting closing, I do feel just that...that I am loved here and I am able to have the same love for everyone that comes to alanon, since I have so much in common with most everyone here.
I, too, hated the fact that I "had" to be at that first (and subsequent) alanon meeting. I kept saying during those first few meetings that I was there by "default", meaning that it was because of my husband that I HAD to be there ~ it was all his fault. Boy, did I find out that it was ME who desperately needed help as well! I've done a ton of growing since those first meetings, and I believe I will need alanon for the rest of my life.
Maresie, Powerless, and Ria, even though I have been in alanon for 2 1/2 years, when I read your comments to artygirl, I realized AGAIN how much I DO have in common with most everyone here...your stories sound EXACTLY like my story ~ it's scary and helpful at the same time!
I give credit for my sanity, what little of it I do have back, to God and alanon! I hate to think where I'd be right now if I had not started going to alanon. In some weird way, I am thankful for my A's disease (I can't believe I actually said that! LOL!), because it brought me into alanon's loving arms. God sure works in mysterious ways, huh?
