The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son is bipolar and off his medication. He does not drink, and I am grateful for that. However, he keeps arguing with me, and he overdrew his checking account. He was arguing with my grandson's mom and I had to talk to her which is very rare. He lives with me and I honestly and thinking about calling the police if he keeps arguing with me. I have tried to apply the things I have been learning in Alanon but it is has been very hard. I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and need to start at step one all over again.
HI Sharon, Step one, 2 and 3 are a great place to revert to when encountering additional challenges in life. I have needed to work many Step one,2 and 3 in my time in program and they never fail.I also found that prayers for courage, guidance and wisdom never go unanswered.
Take time to rest, detach from the insanity and listen to the still small voice within. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
My son is bipolar and off his medication. He does not drink, and I am grateful for that. However, he keeps arguing with me, and he overdrew his checking account. He was arguing with my grandson's mom and I had to talk to her which is very rare. He lives with me and I honestly and thinking about calling the police if he keeps arguing with me. I have tried to apply the things I have been learning in Alanon but it is has been very hard. I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and need to start at step one all over again.
You are dealing with legitimate, diagnosed, mental illness. Once he is off his medication, you have no idea what you are dealing with. It can be anything. Maybe it's arguing, and that's all it has ever been...and then in a blink of an eye, it is something else. Al-anon might help you deal with him in a moment. But that is not a long-term solution.
OK, so go ahead and start with step one, again. But you have to develop some more substantial, long term solution. Al-anon is not the answer for everything.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
(((Sharon))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers. We have some mental health issues in our family and when they go off their meds, it's very hard to watch. I do lean into Al-Anon for almost all life events/issues now as that grounds me to figure out my best next steps. I know that over time, I have had to tell my loved ones that they are not welcome in my home unmedicated....I have a cousin who cycles very badly and while she's never violent, she's a full-time job when she decides she doesn't need the meds.
It's a hard/horrible disease. You are well within your rights to seek whatever assistance is available - mental health issues can be very unpredictable.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Betty, I have found that since doing the 12 steps years ago in AA that I have had to repeat them more than once. I get comfortable and things calm down for awhile. I have found that even if I withdraw from people and situations that can be unpredictable, I cannot control everything. I was really hoping that after the last incident with my A ex-bf nothing would pop up, but life is not like that. I would like to learn to use the tools from Alanon for other things that might be unsettling. Not as a solution to everything but at least as a way to reduce my anxiety.
Thanks Bo, My son has a psychiatrist, but he is over 18, and I cannot talk to his doctors. He has Tourette Syndrome and has been seeing a psychiatrist since he was 10 years old. I was not asking for advice about him. Maybe, I should have worded my post differently, I was trying to focus on myself and how I could find some peace for a few hours or more while I am going through this.
-- Edited by shrnp on Sunday 4th of June 2017 06:48:48 PM
Thanks Iamhere,
It is difficult to find other places that I can talk about what I am going through right now. I want to find ways to make my son take responsibility for his illness, similar to making an alcoholic responsible for themselves. I know that Alanon is not directly for that but I have been able to use the things I have learned for more than just the alcoholic in my life. I have been trying really hard to focus on myself. I started a diet and have been trying to quit smoking. I will keep the things you said in mind, thanks again.
(((((((shrnp))))))))
Useing the tools ,it's a process be found,along with good days and bad days.
I to am wanting to quit smoking,I am using the tabacca quitline,have received my patches,just have to do it now,haven't got there yet,,
I was a hard case and the patch never worked because I took it off constantly to smoke. I stopped 8 years ago by using the RX Chantrix. It was covered under insurance and it only took me 6 weeks to be free after 30 years of smoking. The last years with 3 packs a day. Good luck ladies
The tools that we learn about in al-anon can certainly be used for a few, even temporary, hours of so called serenity. I've always said there are two different types of detachment -- physical and emotional. Both, often, can work hand in hand, and can help us find some peace and serenity, even if for a few hours. That can be a temporary fix, and I hate to use the word fix. Longer term, yes, you mentioned starting again at Step One.
Step one is not simply a destination. Consider it more like a state of mind. Sometimes we deviate or stray from it. It is about acceptance, pure and unconditional acceptance. Admitting is easy, acceptance is not. So, start at Step One again if that's what you feel, if that's where your head is at. Talk to your sponsor and begin, at Step One, to do the work again. Keep coming back.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hi Sharon I have found that my alanon tools such as the Steps. slogans. prayer, sharing at meetings and meditation helped me to accept life on life's terms and provided me with the courage, serenity and wisdom to keep showing up and trusting HP . The 11th Step assured me that HP will never give me anything to handle that I do not first receive the power to do so .
The program works when I work it and is not simply a temporary fix
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I found it impossible to live with an unbalanced person while staying detached. I needed physical distance too. If your serenity is too hard to keep hold of in the current situation, despite using all the tools, I hope you won't blame yourself. There are some kinds of behavior that are just too chaotic to deal with. A person who baits us and won't respect boundaries is one of the hardest. Maybe it would help to brainstorm (just with yourself, I mean, not with him) some options if the current arrangement just isn't sustainable. Take good care of yourself.
Thank you everyone, Today is a little better, I have some time alone which is always nice. I have a hard time clearing my mind when there is a lot going on around me.
lookingup, I have been gradually smoking less . I did use the patches and they helped. I am stuck on a half of pack, and have to make the plunge to none at all. It is hard to do after years of smoking.
Thank for being honest, it can be difficult to bring these things out into light but as soon as they come out then the healing begins in my own experience. It does sound as if your being abused by your son, if hes shouting at you arguing with you not accepting or effecting your human rights then its abuse really. I have been abused in my own home too and its difficult to face. I had to learn that I have a right to peace and serenity, i didn't just want it as nice frilly extra, I had an actual right. Then I had to accept that it was no ones responsibility but mine. My peace is 100% my responsibility. No-one has to change a single thing about themselves in order for me to gain my serenity, this was my faulty thinking before Alanon. Awareness of the truth of it then the acceptance of the truth of it comes through the steps and then the action part guided by a power greater than us.
The action I took ended the abuse I was accepting and ultimately enabling. I used the Alanon tools and set a boundary for me which was if anyone ever calls me names, picks a fight, raises their voice etc I will take my body and not stay under any circumstances to listen to it. So, I stopped the arguments, their useless and part of the whole cycle, I stated calmly that I would talk later and I left, every time, anyone gets that message, even 2 yr olds can hear that one. I dont know much about bipolar but I know a lot about alcoholism and any bad behaviour from anyone is never an excuse to be abused, ever. Often labels can act as a barrier to doing the right thing and its mainly in our own heads with a set of fears attached. I hope you will claim your serentiy back, its yours and you have a right to it.
I too was a smoker for almost 35 years......I had promised I'd quit by age 40 (that didn't happen), then by age 45 (again....not happening) and then as 50 loomed, I got serious. In the past, I had done the gum and the patches. My AH used what Betty suggests; I was concerned about how it might affect me (AA member also) so did not go that route. It did work for my AH until he decided he should just keep smoking as his heart was failing anyway!!! (Another story for another day!)
I did research about the e-cigarettes and ordered all that I needed to start online. I used the program and steps to quit along with the e-cigarette. I am a firm believer that the program does work for anything I am powerless over. Using the steps and talking it out (whatever it is) with a trusted program friend or sponsor helps me realize my own insanity around the event/issue/habit/other.
It's a lot easier to consider not smoking, just for today, than to consider never smoking for the rest of my earthly years!!! I also quit a few times over the years (when family members died from lung/heart issues), but kept returning to smoking as I really enjoyed it and felt it calmed my nerves. It's in the steps of this program that I realized how insane my thinking was about it and found healthy habits to replace it.
It was harder for me to give up cigarettes than mind altering substances. Way harder. Perhaps because I didn't 'see' the damage directly - not sure - but it took all tools I could find to put them down and leave them down. I've not smoked for 8 years now. I do still vape at times.
I agree with el-cee regarding serenity. I am powerless over other people, places and things. But I have full power over how I allow outside events to affect me, my faith, my truth and my peace. I spent so many years of my life concerned with what others thought, and trying to be 'nice', 'fair' and 'mature'.....that was hard work,....today, as I've learned to take care of me first, all other people, places and things fall into a logical priority list that I'm not in charge of.
I have no issue walking away from a combative person or a yelling soul. I have no issue asking others to leave my space also - I do all that I can to be calm and create space when needed. The changes in me and my life did not happen quickly but happened gradually as I tried to practice the suggested principles of the program. There were days that all I did was focus on breathing and keeping my mouth shut and my sponsor would tell me I was a successful person in recovery. I struggled with this in my mind, as I defined success way different than she!!!
Be gentle with you and use any tools you can find when you feel the change in you begin. You'll find the ones that work best and voila - you'll get better, one day at a time. For me, when all else fails, I put in my earbuds, turn on music and vacuum....love music and this certainly makes mine leave the room/area as they don't want to be asked to contribute to any cleaning/chores!!!
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have worked very hard to have a peaceful life, I wish it was not like that. I think that is part of my problem that when I feel my space is being invaded with to much negativity, I do not react very well. I know I have problems with post traumatic stress, but it is hard to make other people understand those things. I just want to put up a wall sometimes and keep everyone else out. That is not healthy though. Tonight I tried very hard to not see everything negatively, and to not take it so personally. That did help and I am going to just focus on one day at a time and not get all worried about what tomorrow will bring and just worry about today.
(((Sharon))) - great share and great plan! I too am sending you prayers and positive thoughts!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You are dealing with legitimate, diagnosed, mental illness. Once he is off his medication, you have no idea what you are dealing with. It can be anything. Maybe it's arguing, and that's all it has ever been...and then in a blink of an eye, it is something else. Al-anon might help you deal with him in a moment. But that is not a long-term solution.
OK, so go ahead and start with step one, again. But you have to develop some more substantial, long term solution. Al-anon is not the answer for everything.
I agree with Bo..Alanon helps us take care of ourselves, yea, but this situation is a real mental illness...You may HAVE to get legal help to protect you....don't know...long term solution is if he is not going to take his meds, steps have to be taken to take care of and protect you....the steps are the hallmark of the program and yes, I work them but I do other action as appropriate...like my abusive adopted daughter...sure..i worked steps 1, 2, 3, (i am agnostic, so my HP is my higher self AND precepts of program, nature, universal love energy) that said when I do a step 2, I know there is good energy in universe but I have to put OUT good energy to draw it, (sometimes that is being kind, but distancing myself from , in my case, my adopted daughter) then I do step 3 which to me is just stepping back..not fighting the situation, and taking measures to protect and/or taking care of me....because I am the only thing I can change......nothing changes if nothing changes and the change has to be by me, for me.....I can't make adopted daughter treat me with respect...but I CAN put some distance, not put myself where she can slap me down again (mentally andemotionally) and never never expect any help or support or anything from her but passive aggression from her...she treats her alcoholic dad wonderful....treats me like S*&* and I am done with it.....so yea, i worked the steps, but did stuff to take care of me...I want my life peaceful...simple....no drama....no toxins in my close space......but I had to make changes to affect that.....program is a guide for us...what we do is up to us and we learn how to respond in a healthy way to take care of us, but not to be cruel to another..I am never cruel to her when I have to interact with her..I am nice, kind, but i keep my distance....thats just my experience....but I go with Bo's take above....
gnutah, I have never heard of NAMI, thanks I did look it up.
Rose, my son has calmed down drastically. He was working a lot, but he had to take sometime off because he had an operation. So, he has been sleeping more. I wish he would get another job because I can really see a difference in how he acts when he is not tired. Insomnia is a symptom of depression, and that is what his medication is for, when he is working a lot he does not take it. I am enjoying my serenity right now, and hoping it last.
I was a hard case and the patch never worked because I took it off constantly to smoke. I stopped 8 years ago by using the RX Chantrix. It was covered under insurance and it only took me 6 weeks to be free after 30 years of smoking. The last years with 3 packs a day. Good luck ladies
WOW!!! Betty, in college I "played" with cigaretts, more of a nervous habit, then enjoyment, lol....in the 80's i got a job as an interior landscaper and my boss was REAL allergic to smoke....I came to love her as a friend and one day we were watching a good movie on TV and I crunched up the marlboros and I squished and smashed them and tossed them in the trash....never had a prob staying off them....guess I was lucky.....never had an urge since.....i heard for some folks it is a buggar......so glad you were able to get off em.......my brother, the Alkie, smokes...he can't give them up, well...he , like his alcohol, just isn't ready to give those addictions up.....glad you got off them
Sharon, My sister recently had a break down, I am trying hard to apply the program but its so hard.
thanks for sharing
beck
OMG....In 1970, I had a breakdown from all the stress and abuse and stuff from my sire, mostly....I was coming home from work and i had this little basement apartment w/outside entry way , a small 4-5 steps down the stairs to get in and I lost my ability to feel my legs, ANYTHING...i just broke down.....fell down the stairs and my neighbor and for once in her life my mother took me to our local doctor ...in those days severe PTSD episodes, they woudl just put you in a drug induced "sleep' to rest me b/c my heart and brain waves were off the charts......then after my drug "sabatical" i was prescribed anti anxiety drugs........I NEEDED inpatient or very intense out patient therapy, but Oh the secrets of WHY i collapsed might come out...."lets just drug her and hope she is calm enough so we can bury this" SOMEHOW i survived this and thus began my need for anti anxiety meds to keep the brain storms in my brain calmed down.....later....20 yeras later i would go to a clinin, (insurance paid it to a limit) and i was tested for my GAD and PTSD...the doc said that the "peacemakes" in my brain were compromised by extreme and sustained trauma and that I would always need anti anxiety drugs that help the GABA and also slow down my electricity so my synapses would "fire' right...I understood and do now b/c of all the reasearch I have done on psychology......the trauma, over a long period of time changed and injured my nervous system, my brain synapses and thus i need meds to keep me level.........
oh yea, I am so "grateful" for this curse done to me by my own "so called" provider/protector who was blessed with me and commissioned by the universe to love, cherish and nurture and protect me....not destroy me.......this month i see my doc. for the last time...now i will have to scramble to find another doctor who will keep me on my life sustaining medication which THANKS to alanon, 12steps, my dosage is LESS then when I first broke down....I eat good, drink lots of water...talke L-Theanine to ehlp the GABA, I exercise and now I am practicing being in the moment, the present, in my body by breathing and focusing on my breath......i can't feel the free floating fear that curses my life if i am totally focused in the NOW which is very hard for me to do, but I will keep practicing it....I wlll always need meds, but if i can keep it low, I should find a doc who will let me continue on with them as I have taken anti anxiety meds for 45 years now.....anyway, breakdowns are a living hell...you feel like you are splitting off and going crazy...my hippo campus was flooded with flight or fight hormones and there for it short circuited my short term memory...during a bad ptsd/gad episode, I cannot think, concentrate, its hell......the good news is i am 70 (Look 50) and hopefully soon, will be "outta here" and in a peaceful place.......
Welcome to MIP beck - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in! Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Sharon~I think Alanon has a lot to offer anyone dealing with addiction in their family. I think I would not be sane if I hadn't joined 4 years ago.
I'm glad your son has calmed down. If it were my son, I would call the psychiatrist anyway. If a crisis is occurring, I would call the doc to inform him/her of my son's unstable condition.He/she can't give you any info.without permission, but I would expect the doc to step in, especially if I was close to calling the police. My safety and sanity would be a priority. Best of luck with your difficult situation, and keep coming back, Lyne
liveanditlive, I use the program sometimes when dealing with my son because he has obsessions like spending money irresponsibly. Some times there is always drama from him and his girlfriend fighting. Things have gotten better though. I am feeling very grateful.
. I stopped 8 years ago by using the RX Chantrix. It was covered under insurance and it only took me 6 weeks to be free after 30 years of smoking. The last years with 3 packs a day. Good luck ladies
It is worth it LU