The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a 1st experience with chat last night on this site. I saw no directions, warnings, or instructions about the chat room b4 I entered. I had no idea what to expect. As a suggestion, maybe there should be some like I've seen on other boards. This may save alot of innocent people their feelings and avoid unneeded apoliges that may seem to be excuses.
When I see Service Worker by a name it seems to be misleading here. I would think elder members are not necessarily workers. I'm sorry, but i see a difference.
I have to say I DO owe an apoligy for leaving out the persons who tried. It was appreciated. I was so overwhelmed with the rest it got covered up. There was so much confussion with so many at one time. New persons should have a warning of what to expect somewhere b4 entering and I feel this could of been avoided. I have been on this board awhile and some asked questions as if I was not known at all. That didn't feel good . If you are reading posts and not remembering people and what they've posted about themself , how are they supposed to feel ? I left the room feeling very abandoned and worse than I went in. After awhile the attemps to try to help came back to me and I beat myself up for not measuring up to the rest.
While here I want to get the other feelings out. I've wondered if this is Al-Aspouse or Al-Afamily. It seems if you don't have a spouse to try to live with, there is nothing else. What about if you have none. I was mistaken to have a spouse in chat. What if you've moved on and trying to live a life taking care of yourself and you need that kind of support ? I thought recovery was different than trying to exist with a spouse and continue to learn how to live with it and desensitize to what ever else is out there in life. It looks like the boundaries that started out for the A are being applied to others who aren't A's. I'm not even sure if some are aware that this seems to be happening. Tell me if I'm wrong, I'd welcome the feedback so I can resolve the anxiety I have over seeing this and feelin guilty and out of place that I don't have a spouse to talk about.
I mean no insults. I am slow to comprehend some things, especially emotions and feelings. I started being able to have my own when I left the family in my late 30''s and started into the recovery programs to bring me alive and a part of the universe. Do I have to have a spouse to be in a family group ? I want support with a life without an A. Is that here ?
I guess I'm so angry at what A's do to take down life. I married to have a family. My x was an ACOA and ? Al-Anon ?. The marine corp boot camp made him a green mean machine and his heart couldn't be found again, for me or my ,our,daughter. All control from then on out. She was with me or him. No inbetween. She had a fantasy dad that found someone he could control and forgot we existed. Except to get out of child support and support her getting married to get out responsibility to the wrong guy that was in bootcamp and wanted the extra money from a spouse to buy a truck. Apologies he had later ?????? We can't go backwards and undo the damage. Seems there is alot of that.
Well I guess maybe some things can begin to get clearer if you respond with understanding to be seen by others. I want other ways to see so I can survive and recover.
BLESSINGS TO ALL..........Share and grow............Alone or together?................May HP lead us to LOVE, CARING, WISDOM, PEACE, SERENITY,FELLOWSHIP
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
(((((D53)))) I too was confused about the titles under the names in the board. I guess it has something to do with how many posts one has submitted, or something.
Maybe there needs to be more in the way of introduction before we sign on to the chatroom. When I stumbled in, I was in so much pain that I didn't care what anyone said as long as I had connection to another human being. However, I have found love and acceptance in the chatroom. We are all in various stages of the disease and/or recovery. No everyone reads the posts, either. Some only go to chatroom, some only post, some do both. That may be why you were not recognized? I am sorry for your pain, I hope you do come back and try again. The mood in the room is different sometimes due to the different personalities who are signed on. Sometimes silly, sometimes somber. Do not ever feel you do not measure up. We are all equal. Some of us are dealing with spouses, some with exspouses, some with children, some with parents, etc.
Alcohol has damaged all of us, and hurt us deeply. We are not perfect, we may not say exactly what you need to hear at that moment. But, we are here for you. We are here for each other.
I was not in chat last night....I was at a f2f, so I cannot comment on how busy it was in there. But since it was Friday night and fish night to top that off, it porbably was fast and silly.
I just want to encourage you to keep coming back. I for one wish you would. You are so welcome and people do understand. I am sorry you had a bad experience, will you give us another shot.
I get confused as well by the titles under the names. I am listed as a senior member, but assure you I feel quite green.
Anyone has ha experienced life with an addict or alcoholic is welcome. This is my understanding. Not everyone here is living with a spouse active or recovering. We are learning to live our lives for ourselves. I believe that the program teaches us to apply the steps in all areas of our lives. Our boundaries are initially meant for the addict in our lives, but with practice, we apply them to others. My boundaries are mine alone. I choose what I will tolerate and what I won't...not just with my husband, but for everyone in my life. Those boundaries are obviously not the same for everyone in my life.
I am sorry to hear that so many people feel bad about the chat room lately. I find that sometimes they are having serious discussions in there and sometimes they are playing. I do feel left out when they are playing, like I'm missing an inside joke. But I have found that if I go into the room and need to talk or need things explained to me and I ask everyone is receptive. Because it moves so quickly, I may need to ask more than once, and that is okay.
"When I see Service Worker by a name it seems to be misleading here. I would think elder members are not necessarily workers. I'm sorry, but i see a difference." -d53
This is simply a "title" we get after we make 500 posts ~ it used to say "guru" & I can assure u many were upset that it was changed. To me it has even more Angelic conotations... it means we are responding to you out of love, NO we are not paid & you cannot solicit money from a 12 step program.
None of us can know what any of us goes through, like I responded to u lastnight, at least you had a family. I have been neglected, abused, never had a sibling or knew my natural father. When a good friend of mine's cousin died (me not knowing many pl that have passed on) all I could think to say to him was, "you are Blessed to have had him to love at all and no one can take the love you felt for your cousin away from you."
Also I do believe we can reach each other in Spirit, I know my g/ma is a Guardian Angel of mine is around me all the time.
" I want support with a life without an A. Is that here ? " -d53
I am reading the book 12 Steps for ACOA's ~ I will be alone for the rest of my life as long as I am breaking old patterns of behaviour. I realize that my responses/reactions to ppl, places & things is what draws Alcoholics/addicts to me like a magnet... from birth I was set up to emotionally enable & bet he care-taker of my mom's emotional needs.
I grew up not knowing my true self, tending to other's needs & neglecting myself, just the way I was raised.
It is a painful & difficult (often angering) reality to see that we DO play a part in how we experience our lives ~ it is our perception. If I see myself as a victim, I will continue to be treated poorly... just like if I act like a jerk, I'm sure to attract jerks.
As it is, I put myself aside, martyred myself, so being "the nice person" I got taken advantage of & hurt a lot.
I deserve better than that, I won't be neglected or abused ever again, the moment someone begins to attack me, I know thru a long time in this program, I only have control over myself, I can only change myself.
If you don't want to help yourself, why would anyone want to help you ~ I say the exact same thing about myself ~ if I don't love myself (first) who will love me? I can tell you ~ addicts, other ppl that also do not love themselves & just want to suck me dry of my love & energy.
I typically align myself each day with God's will & express my gratitude that I am still alive. I pray for God's will be done on Earth & that the Earth be healed.
I realize my voice is more important than anything, I hope that u can witness some miracles today through all of the pain... in a moment things can change. God Bless you.
love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi and welcome from Australia. You will notice that I now have service worker next to my name. I do not have the wealth of al-anon experience that so many others have on this board but I hope that by responding to peoples posts I can at least show that they are not alone and I understand their pain. I live in a remote area and am a lone member of al anon as there is no al-anon in my town. MIP family is just that a family with no judgements on others about whether you have a spouse,son. daughter etc. We are here to reach out to you when life's journey seems too much. I cannot respond to all posts but I do read them all. Please know that you are getting hugs from across the miles. So many of us would not have the inner strength we have now had it not been for John and his other voluntary helpers who just like you and me are here for ESH. I thank HP for the day that he guided me to this family. Luv Leo xx
Hi D, I want to tell you, you are an inspiration to me. I love your questions. Also I appreciate how you just tell it like it is, or more you are not afraid to say how you feel.
I betcha you are one of the special ones who really wants to live the program, and you will reap every benefit.
I was told I would have miracles and boy has that been right. I know you will too.
As far as the service worker thing, I wish we could choose our own titles. I am not sure what I would want. In my mind we are all service workers when we come here and keep coming back.
TT, abbyal and I ,forgive me if I forgot someone have been here over six years. Isn't that right?
What am I in alanon? I am a curious gatherer of thoughts and skills.
Anyway alanon is for everyone. Anyone can gain great living skills from it. We usually have a qualifier, someone we love or maybe just work with who is an A. It is not always our spouse.
For me it is my spouse, his family, people I meet, and more. What i learn can be applied to my kids who are not A. I have boundaries now, respect theirs, I don't worry about them. or questiom them about things that really are not my business.
I use the slogans D. Let go and let god. One step at a time. One day at a time. Have learned to take care of me, and it has made me stronger, and I have more to give.
I don't judge at all, not critical either. I had my aunt be very nasty to me when my gma was dying. I was able to hold in my pain and just love her. she apologised to me twice. I just poopooed her and said no one is perfect. I blow it, but in different ways.
so hon we can use these wonderful tools in our lives.
I was sad to hear the money you get did not help a lot. Can you get food stamps? Also there are organizations who give out government money slated to help with utilites for power.
Please forgive me, were you in Katrina? what happened and where were you? are you away from family now? you can write me private if you like.
D, I didnt see you in chat... are you using another nick than your message board postings?
I understand your frustration. I pray and will keep praying that God/ HP will send you the help and support you need.
The chat room should not (ever) be your or anyones only means of trying to find SUPPORT and STRENGTH. Especially at this time when you need it soo much! Nor should the message boards be your only way to find support from other Alanoners. I agree, they can be very helpful. But neither one of them are even close to the same as local meeting places, meetings and working the program. Working "Your very own personal" 12 step program. There are so many other means that are only beneficial and only going to help you on the road to where you know you deserve to be. With your recovery.With your everyday situations.
About the chat room.... and your stating you dont feel its.... about the boundaries and guidelines.... The feeling of *uncomfort able (in the chatroom) is not uncommon for most new persons. I know. I was new to it. And not very long ago. All new persons feel it at first. It can be a bit intimidating. But by just being there and listening to others you will begin to pick up on how the room flows. It IS NOT a bad place. People will get to know you too and that makes it easier for them to open up to you. Easier to offer their own personal ES&H to You. To know YOU. It IS people just like you and Me reaching out to each other. its just that its through hugs and smiles on a computer... we try listening to each other on ways to HELP "lighten up" our Day. To Bring some type of JOY....to come together some times its through laughter and joking. Its a strengthening in its own way. A WAY, A PLACE that helps us to not let the every day things that we can not control get to us quite so "HARD." It's a re-assurance place. A TOOL for all of US to use. There we can get confirmation of our doing the right thing... even when its a hard thing. That reassurance... comes from others like ourselves. "In Recovery." Its a loving and caring "for each other" place. So true is it., that each and every one of us are at different levels in the program in our personal recovery process'. And sometimes its confusing to those that arent quite as far along as others. But most of all .. its the comaradary place. The a likeness, that we feel when there. That is important. Its important to each and everyone of us. AND Yes, sometimes the laughter is a bit too much for others. But its also very necessary. It's a way we " come together." Like a (( BIG Room Hug! )) How can there by anything wrong with that? I cant see it being wrong when others are feeling good about themselves and the moment they are sharing laughter and love.
In order to get a strong basic foundation of the 12 step program, i feel, (and my thoughts are my own) your best to talk with someone Face to Face. You need to toalk to others not just alanon, but in AID. Due to the Katrina crisis you have been involved in.
In regards to Alanon. I cant stress enough that you should find where they are. (meeting places) ... and THEN~ *GO to some alanon meetings in your area. They will not be far away from where you stay..... Don't be afraid to just go *and listen. Then afterward approach someone for some further guidance. You may be surprised to find many answers there!!! HP is very strong there !!!
Literature can be and IS very helpful with this too. To help guide you into the way the program and the steps work. I remember you to say you were involved some years ago.. in some way. If so, then surely you remember a bit about how everything works. Let yourself get refreshed of it. Of how it works. OF what you need to do to get on your own two feet again. Take care of YOU!! *Start anew. Its a good thing. Its for You. Your Worth IT! ...do something to make it better. I know you CAN!(((BIGHUG))) Today is a NEW DAY. Look UP!
I'm sure you remember the meetings are only an hour to an hour and a half long and the people no matter where you go are loving and caring souls. I have never found a meeting plave that I wasnt loved and accepted the moment I walked in the door. I pray (and wish) for your strength to be renewed. That aid finds you. That you are able to determine and re-define your niche' in the program so as to open your heart and mind that you can benefit most in regaining or re~establishing your own spiritual foundation for your own personal stability. Your own inner strength. Your own inner "Driver." ((lol)) God helps us so much in this way. With Him all things are possible. Keep looking uP!
I second aunitedway's feelings - chat , this board, all are just part of the support system. No one place, just like no one person, can be all in all to us. I know you say you have transportion problems - I assume you are in a rural area? I also live in a town with no public transit. When people are having trouble getting to meetings, someone just picks them up and drives them over. This is not in any way a big deal, happens all the time. If you are normally an urban person, you may not be familiar with the way things are done in the country. I know that if I got a call from the contact person saying that someone wanted to try a meeting but lived half an hour outside of town and needed a ride, I wouldn't think twice about going and getting her, if I had the time. I know that she would help me in some way some other time. That kind of give and take is part of rural life, and is also part of alanon - you take the help you need, and give the help you can.
One thing to kep in mind though, is that most of us here have had our voices silenced by the alcoholism in our lives. We have learned that our own feelings don't matter, that we should always be ready to drop what we are doing, put our own desires and needs aside, and run to help anyone who expresses even the faintest wish from us. For many of us, being able to say "No, my needs count too, I will not drop everything because you say you need me" is an enormous triumph. I hope you can understand this, and apply it to your experiences here.
We are not perfect, we may not say exactly what you need to hear at that moment. But, we are here for you. We are here for each other. 
