The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I took it personally yesterday and lost it with my A. It just hit me after experiencing this repeatedly that whenever I ask him if he wants to do something with me or the family his answer is always no. He just wants to be at home "relaxing" (i.e. drinking). But he has no problem making plans all the time with his A friends. Just yesterday he told me of three separate instances of plans made with them. It pissed me off but I didn't engage. So what I am going to do right? I made some plans of my own for today with a friend. Since it's his day off, he was to watch the kids. But then he gets called in to work! How fortunate for him that he got to do his plans with his drinking friends but yet when I make plans suddenly he has to work on his day off! That did it. I lost all my Al Anon cool and scorched the earth with my anger. He admitted that he couldn't deny what I was seeing (that he never wants to make plans with us, only with his friends). So it did feel good to get a few things out but it won't do any good because nothing will change. So apparently expecting him to do anything with his family is another one of those expectations I can't have. How the h*** is this a marriage when I can't expect any love/affection, any emotional support, any of his time unless I want to tag along with him and his A friends, I have to detach from the fact that he is destroying himself and the s****y way he treats me??? This IS NOT a marriage. Of course I realize I could leave and seek a relationship where I actually do have a chance to actually connect with a healthy person who actually cares about me but I am trapped by the financial difficulties I would face if I kick him out. Because I make just enough to not qualify for any assistance but not enough to pay my bills alone. So anyway back to problem at hand, I hired a babysitter so I can still do my plans for today and he's going to pay for it one way or another because he NEVER has to pay a sitter to go out with his friends. I'm still mad. Thanks for reading. Any ESH appreciated.
This too, is my life... so I can commiserate with you. I have learned (way before Al-Anon) to make my own plans and then do whatever it takes to follow them through. Does it always work? No. But now b/c of Al-Anon tools, I no longer have to stew in my anger and bitterness.
It does suck that you are realizing that this is no kind of marriage - again, I am going through that process as well. Since thinking about that just breaks my heart and makes me have huge resentments towards my AH, I try not to think about it too much, or compare myself to others. I live with the slogan: "It is what it is." And the reality is it SUCKS!
I am also in a similar financial situation, so I cannot just up and leave. So my ESH is meetings, meetings & online venting. Seek those things that bring you peace, and cling to them!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Welcome to the human race .. it is more of an issue that I recognize where I am at not beat myself up because I had a human moment.
In a healthy relationship it is reasonable to know (maybe expect isn't the right word here) that your sig other will be a part of your family life that includes your family as well as theirs.
When my X and I split I did not have a job, I was raising two kids and he decided he would only pay when he felt like it which was when he wanted to pay not when he was suppose to.
What worked for me was finding out what I qualified for, having some kind of plan and figuring out what would and wouldn't work for me. I did go on assistance until I could get on my feet. My church helped out a great deal. There were programs I could go to and I wasn't afraid to get out there and do something different.
I had to decide if nothing changes .. nothing changes .. I know for my personal walk I was able to move forward and do what was necessary to make a life for the kids and myself. No ... it has not been easy and yes it was humbling to put it mildly. I went from a large dollar amount to less than 90% out of the door .. it was awful and yet .. we managed to survive. I am totally grateful for that time.
It was also a wake up call to reality for me. I had to be a grown up (even though I was running the house and doing the adult thing I was NOT an adult by any means) .. that was a whole other learning curve.
Now I am far more grown than I have ever been .. LOL .. again .. pluses and minuses .. LOL.
Hugs L :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((Jayla))) - so sorry for the frustration brought upon by the disease....isolation is a huge part of the disease - directly and indirectly. I realized well before Al-Anon that if my AH did not want to go or be 'there' he made it known and that was far less fun than going alone, taking a separate care and/or doing my own planning with others I enjoyed being with.
I have no expectations of others for my joy/happiness. I also have leveled myself a bit so that I allow others and me to be human. I was one who over-extended myself often before recovery. I've learned that I can change my mind, just say No or bow out. I try to think before committing now as I do have high integrity but I just have changed up tons of how I expected things to go, people to be and things to happen.
Surprisingly, in my home, when I learned that I can make plans, extend the invite and leave the results up to God, my AH goes and enjoys way more than before. Sometimes he does go, other times he does not go. Either way, I am OK with the outcome. I had to look hard at my own motives, and my distorted thinking patterns - I assumed it was 'dysfunctional' if we did not go to all kinds of things together. What I now realize with more clarity is I am rarely the only attendee without a spouse - looking around made me see the reality - we each have our own will. I believe that our marriage has survived because we have our own interests, and always have since before we married - he golfs several days a week - I play softball several days a week. We have other diverse interests/activities too and that is perfectly OK in our home. Where we typically come together as a couple, and before as a family was meal time. I enjoy cooking and they all enjoy eating.
For me to stop taking things personally, I really had to accept how powerless I am as well as do the steps. That's where I learned enough about me and my insecurities to know that my expectations were unrealistic often. It happens - loosing it with the disease and the diseased - the best you can do for you is remember One Day at a Time - it's a new day....another chance to be/do different!!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I really can relate to this experience. There is no magic wand, its just a case of, the only way out, is through.
You are going through the process of figuring out what's happening and what matters to you. Its not easy.
I was stuck financially too. And for a long time, I had no say in finances, no finances to speak of, until I fought for it. It was me saving and not having and then him spending. Then I stopped sacrificing because he clearly wasn't. But I had to fight to have my contribution recognised. Fast forward a few years, and the fight continued in other arenas. To the point where I left, before which I enquired as to what was available to me as I was. Its worked out better than I imagined, but its all a process. Yes, we're powerless over another addictions, but that doesn't mean we don't have rights to have our needs met. For me it was being unable to deny anymore that it was never going to happen the way I wanted it. I tried variations on what I wanted/needed, and I'm glad I did, because it lead me to a full personal acceptance.
Trust the process, and you in the process, it's progress over perfection. Keep coming back.
I feel -- and I agree with -- your anger, resentment, and disappointment. I get it.
So, one thing I want to point out -- this is not a program to teach us how to accept unacceptable behavior. It is not a program to teach us how to tolerate the intolerable. It is not a program to teach us how to be OK with being treated poorly and disrespectfully.
Thank you.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
