The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been with my wife for 11 years now and I am at a crossroads in our marriage all because of alcohol...
We met when I was 19 and doing my undergraduate degree. Alcohol was a completely normal part of being students for us - we went out to socialise pretty much every night. Once the student bubble burst and real life kicked in, the addiction crept into our lives. She was unable to find meaningful work whilst luckily I was able to find work related to my degree. I would work long days to come home everyday to a passed out girlfriend and because of my naivety I just thought it would get better once she found work.
Fast forward a year and her parents have cut her allowance off (spoilt only child syndrome) forcing her to find work. She finds it in a booze shop of all places. This is when I realise the full magnitude of the problem. Long story short she worked there about a year and would go into work drunk most days, come home and drink the night away. She gets fired for what i later find out is because she was drunk one morning (no idea how they didn't notice the rest of the year). My stupid ass decides to propose to her about a month previously and we are engaged to be married.
The next few years I support us both on my job whilst she gets drunk most nights. By this point I have told her my feelings about the drinking and she 'cuts down'. Our marriage is almost at breaking point as I work full time to scrape us by whilst she pretends to look for work. Eventually she finds a part time job to ease the pressure at the place i used to work. Things look up for a month or two then she turns up late and hungover and loses her job (there is more to this story that I have never found out). Im back to being the sole bread winner and feeling ashamed of my life.
It is at this point that things take a sinister turn and she starts doing things that endanger her life. She would walk back from the pub along a river renowned for drowning drunk students. She is brought home by police. She loses her bag with phone wallet passport keys etc (luckily the pub found it). She throws up in her sleep. She doesnt come home some nights. I make our families aware of the situation at this point.
Then im suddenly made redundant and we are effectively homeless and forced to move away into a caravan by the coast. I was given one month before i was to be let go at work. This was a really dark time and her selfishness really reared its ugly head. The drinking was unbearable. I felt helpless and she didnt seem to care. She just cared about the drink.
Luckily my parents put us up in a caravan which was truely horrendous. I found work within a week which involved away working. It had to be done so we could afford to move out of our tin box. Id leave her alone all week with access to the money and i suspect she drank a lot of our money away but she was clever enough to hide it well so i never really knew. A few months later I get her work at my current employer and we move into a new home in a new city. All the while drink is there in the background screaming at me.
I come into work as a surprise after working away for 4 weeks to find a drunk wife at work (no one has noticed) and it took all my might not to scream at her. I dread to think of all the other times shes been drunk at work and I havent been there. If she loses this job then it is game over. I've told her this. Few weeks later she gets so drunk she falls down the stairs and shatters her wrist. She was so drunk she didnt notice until the next morning where I had to take her into a and e. She is permanently scarred from the surgery and pins.
From this point to now she drinks when i am asleep on weekends then spends to sat and sunday hungover unable to do anything and then goes back to work like everything is normal. Thankfully there hasnt been a drunk work related incident for nearly a year.She knows that is one of my limits.
There is no real intimacy with us anymore for well over five years. She only wants sex when she is drunk. Foolishly I give in and she uses that to manipulate me and pacify me so she can drink the next night.
Despite all of this I love my sober wife. My alcoholic wife is a completely different person and she doesnt see that. I used to get through the bad times by thinking forward to when she will be sober and I had hope she would change.
I dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to leave, but she wont change - she doesnt want to. My mental health is taking a nose dive and I cant go out with people because it involves drinking all the time and i get panic attacks being around drunks. I'm basically a recluse now hoping one day my wife will snap out of it.
This is a very broad summary of my relationship with my alcoholic wife Ive missed out a lot of detail...
bt9007 - welcome to MIP....so glad you found us and glad that you shared. The disease of alcoholism is progressive, powerful and baffling. There is no real cure - only treatment and it's usually only successful when one is willing to work for it. AA is for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is for friends and family affected by the drinking of another.
We don't give advice in al-anon but rather share our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with others so they may find their own path. I do believe you would benefit from attending Al-Anon and discovering you are not alone. It's an anonymous program so nobody will share your truth and it's the only place I found others who truly understood me, my home-life, the insanity and all that goes with loving or living with an alcoholic.
Please keep coming back here too! We do the best we can One Day at a Time to save ourselves. We do this by detaching with love (indifference worked for me in the beginning) and setting boundaries for self-protection/preservation. I had tried many things before recovery yet nothing changed. What I discovered in Al-Anon is I can change and my life will improve. I now can keep moving forward, find joy and peace whether my people are drinking or not.
There is hope and help in recovery! Trust the process/program - it's been a miracle for me!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Bt and welcome to the board. I have been there also being the former husband to an alcoholic/addict. I used to drink with her also and thought I could teach her how only to find out that she was attempting to drink the way I could which when she tried it would take a horrendous toll on her mental, emotional, physical and spiritual life. It affected everything it came into contact with including finances and relationships. She started having extra marritable (?) adventures and I contacted an STD and then I was done with the insanity. I left...we divorced and she got beautifully clean and sober. I made a mistake from the start and did this several times until I took the program to commitment.
This disease cannot be cured; it can be arrested by total abstinence however as it has already be said she has to want it more than anything else in her life including you and you must want your own sanity just as much.
I hope you keep coming back often to listen and read, hopefully daily and catch on to the suggestions to follow which have worked for others.
Thank you for the kind words it really is a relief to get things out in the open.
I have attended my local Al Anon meeting and the support they gave me was fabulous. I am walking away from the marriage in the next month or so once I have arrangements in place. Al anon has confirmed what I already knew deep down that I cant help her anymore than I have (believe me I have tried every tactic) and change can only be from her end.
My main concern over the last ten years has been what my friends, family and colleges would think of me leaving. The realisation that I shouldn't give a damn about their feelings as my wife clearly doesn't give a damn about my own.
Recently she has threatened suicide if I go. Talking this through with members that have gone through the exact same desperate manipulative tactic has been a huge weight of my soul. (i dont think she would actually do it)
This may seem brash since I only reached out yesterday but the help and reassurance I found at that meeting have made my path clear. I have wanted to do this for years and I no longer feel afraid of the consequences - they will pass.
Hello bt,
Welcome to MIP. You can post as often as you want. Many of us have needed support everyday. It is common that alcoholics will threaten harmful behavior to themselves when you leave them. You can always call the police to go and check on your wife if you are worried. They will see if she is alright by herself, or if she needs medical attention. Maybe, she will get help. Some people have to hit their rock bottom before they get help. I am glad that the meetings are working for you, it is a big step leaving someone you love. Unfortunately, alcoholism takes over their lives and they are no longer the person we fell in love with. Glad you are here, and keep coming back!
Welcome BT. You have received excellent responses and been directed to Al-Anon face-to-face meetings where you will find, as you already know support, understanding and new tools to live by.
Alcoholism is a progressive, dreadful, chronic disease over which we are powerless. Many of us have experienced what you're going through and have attempted, unsuccessfully to enforce change in the other person, Al-Anon was developed in order to help families of alcoholics. By attending face-to-face meetings, we finally learn to keep the focus on ourselves, live one day at a time,trust life to a power greater than ourselves.
If you're partner is threatening to harm herself in any way, reporting this to the medical authorities, or calling the police is an excellent idea.
Please do keep coming back here you are not alone..
I have been with my wife for 11 years now and I am at a crossroads in our marriage all because of alcohol...
We met when I was 19 and doing my undergraduate degree. Alcohol was a completely normal part of being students for us - we went out to socialise pretty much every night. Once the student bubble burst and real life kicked in, the addiction crept into our lives. She was unable to find meaningful work whilst luckily I was able to find work related to my degree. I would work long days to come home everyday to a passed out girlfriend and because of my naivety I just thought it would get better once she found work.
Fast forward a year and her parents have cut her allowance off (spoilt only child syndrome) forcing her to find work. She finds it in a booze shop of all places. This is when I realise the full magnitude of the problem. Long story short she worked there about a year and would go into work drunk most days, come home and drink the night away. She gets fired for what i later find out is because she was drunk one morning (no idea how they didn't notice the rest of the year). My stupid ass decides to propose to her about a month previously and we are engaged to be married.
The next few years I support us both on my job whilst she gets drunk most nights. By this point I have told her my feelings about the drinking and she 'cuts down'. Our marriage is almost at breaking point as I work full time to scrape us by whilst she pretends to look for work. Eventually she finds a part time job to ease the pressure at the place i used to work. Things look up for a month or two then she turns up late and hungover and loses her job (there is more to this story that I have never found out). Im back to being the sole bread winner and feeling ashamed of my life.
It is at this point that things take a sinister turn and she starts doing things that endanger her life. She would walk back from the pub along a river renowned for drowning drunk students. She is brought home by police. She loses her bag with phone wallet passport keys etc (luckily the pub found it). She throws up in her sleep. She doesnt come home some nights. I make our families aware of the situation at this point.
Then im suddenly made redundant and we are effectively homeless and forced to move away into a caravan by the coast. I was given one month before i was to be let go at work. This was a really dark time and her selfishness really reared its ugly head. The drinking was unbearable. I felt helpless and she didnt seem to care. She just cared about the drink.
Luckily my parents put us up in a caravan which was truely horrendous. I found work within a week which involved away working. It had to be done so we could afford to move out of our tin box. Id leave her alone all week with access to the money and i suspect she drank a lot of our money away but she was clever enough to hide it well so i never really knew. A few months later I get her work at my current employer and we move into a new home in a new city. All the while drink is there in the background screaming at me.
I come into work as a surprise after working away for 4 weeks to find a drunk wife at work (no one has noticed) and it took all my might not to scream at her. I dread to think of all the other times shes been drunk at work and I havent been there. If she loses this job then it is game over. I've told her this. Few weeks later she gets so drunk she falls down the stairs and shatters her wrist. She was so drunk she didnt notice until the next morning where I had to take her into a and e. She is permanently scarred from the surgery and pins.
From this point to now she drinks when i am asleep on weekends then spends to sat and sunday hungover unable to do anything and then goes back to work like everything is normal. Thankfully there hasnt been a drunk work related incident for nearly a year.She knows that is one of my limits.
There is no real intimacy with us anymore for well over five years. She only wants sex when she is drunk. Foolishly I give in and she uses that to manipulate me and pacify me so she can drink the next night.
Despite all of this I love my sober wife. My alcoholic wife is a completely different person and she doesnt see that. I used to get through the bad times by thinking forward to when she will be sober and I had hope she would change.
I dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to leave, but she wont change - she doesnt want to. My mental health is taking a nose dive and I cant go out with people because it involves drinking all the time and i get panic attacks being around drunks. I'm basically a recluse now hoping one day my wife will snap out of it.
This is a very broad summary of my relationship with my alcoholic wife Ive missed out a lot of detail...
Any advice is welcomed.
Welcome, you are in the right place for starters. I don't like to oversimplify anything, but, this all comes down to the part I bolded and underlined above. She is sick, very sick. And so are you. SHE won't change, because SHE doesn't want to. Period. There it is. Now, unfortunately, and you can try, fight it, disagree all you want, but -- there is NOTHING you can do about her drinking. You can beg, plead, threaten, try to reason and rationalize, try to show her, so many more things you can try and do...none of them will work...because...SHE will only stop drinking, SHE will only get better, SHE will only quit...get ready for this...if and when SHE wants to. Period. There is nothing you can do about it. I tried for years. I went through pain, anguish, fear, anger, and more, that words cannot describe, and none of it worked. SHE didn't want to change. This, right here, is about ACCEPTANCE. You need to ACCEPT that there is nothing you can do about her drinking, about her wanting to or not wanting to get better, and when you truly accept that, you will stop trying to fix it, control it, etc.
So, there's a lot of "SHE" in my above paragraph. How about YOU. Do YOU want to get better? You can, and believe it or not, you can get better independent of her, whether she is drinking or not. That may sound impossible, however it is not. Right now, you are so wrapped up in her, so focused on her, that you can't imagine anything else. She drinks, you are unhappy. She drinks, you are in pain. It does not have to be that way. This may be too much for you to handle and comprehend right now.
That said, go to face to face Al-Anon meetings. Find a sponsor. Talk to him/her. Work with him/her. Immediately. Start doing what you need to do to get better. There are steps you can and should take right now -- and you will get better.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Thursday 1st of June 2017 08:02:58 AM
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you for the kind words it really is a relief to get things out in the open.
I have attended my local Al Anon meeting and the support they gave me was fabulous. I am walking away from the marriage in the next month or so once I have arrangements in place. Al anon has confirmed what I already knew deep down that I cant help her anymore than I have (believe me I have tried every tactic) and change can only be from her end.
My main concern over the last ten years has been what my friends, family and colleges would think of me leaving. The realisation that I shouldn't give a damn about their feelings as my wife clearly doesn't give a damn about my own.
Recently she has threatened suicide if I go. Talking this through with members that have gone through the exact same desperate manipulative tactic has been a huge weight of my soul. (i dont think she would actually do it)
This may seem brash since I only reached out yesterday but the help and reassurance I found at that meeting have made my path clear. I have wanted to do this for years and I no longer feel afraid of the consequences - they will pass.
Thank you.
Follow up...keep going to meetings. Yes, you cannot help her. Yes, of course you tried every tactic. We all have. That is our sickness. So, now you get it. Keep going to meetings and keep doing the work. As far as your friends, family, etc., and what they will think -- that's nothing new. Many of us went through the same thing. Talk to your sponsor about this. It's an easy aspect to address -- for YOU. It is not about not giving a damn, but more about focusing on you and what is healthy for you. It's also not about that your wife doesn't give a damn about your feelings either. It is simply that she cannot. She is incapable about acknowledging, caring, or even considering your feelings or anything else. She is sick. Have understanding and compassion for her.
You are now facing and moving in the right direction. Keep going. Keep doing the work. Keep going to meetings. Work with your sponsor.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
This is the insanity, the merrygoround called denial that we are all on without recovery. The first thing I would say to you, you sound like an intelligent person, look up Alanon meetings in your area, go meet real life people, go listen to your story, we all share it. Your dealing with alcoholism and Alanon tells us its too much for us and thats okay. There is hope and there is help. The help comes in the form of accepting that your wife is sick and that you need to begin to deal with that realistically. She cant be trusted, stop expecting different, dont let her have access to your money, protect your finances, alcoholism makes cheats, liars and thieves out of most who are effected. Learn about detaching with love. Go to a meeting and get support for you, get your own recovery program, learn about this disease and the damage it does, learn what it means to be an enabler and how dangerous it is.
