The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is true everyone here I love in my family is dead or moved far away. mostly they are dead.
I hate the disease/A. I hate him so much. I cannot feel love anymore. I cannot feel the way I did when we got married anymore. It is so gone.
I always wished it would go away. the loss the pain the memories. Now they are gone. I hear music, see romantic movies and feel nothing.It is all gone.
You know what is sad? I will feel deep love like when I think of my dog Tavish and feel so so sad and so much in pain and cry. I mean it. If I feel love, I cry. so wierd!!! I have never in my life felt this before.
Is it the disease finally taking away my A and my love for him that makes love so scary and so painful now?
Probably that and mother and gma, gpa, uncle jo, uncle glen, aunt ruth, my bil, my fried meri,scott, daddy dying, daughter mad at me, my ed first husband who was killed, . I am by no means the only one. I know we all have gone thru too much.
that is not my point I guess. It is this weird thing inside me. My sons wedding is today, gotta leave soon. my friend called me, "are you excited??" she says. I said no. then thru in on his its like they have always been married.
truth is, I have no one to go with, no loved ones to be with. i can't stop crying, my disabilities are screaming. I am scared. I just want to sneak in and sit in the back and watch and come home. why can't I just do that. I can't handle this. I am scared to tell my son. I don't want hin to feel awful about anything.
I cannot go to the recep and do small talk I can't stop crying. I can';t eat cuz of my dang diseased digestive system, this bone disease is hurting bad.
See I do have some times of SOMEBODY SHOOT ME. LOL You know guys all I want to do is try to get comfy here and have some nice food and watch movies and just go away to the movies.
hold my soft dog tavish and watch the birds at my window.
What i really want is to sit at a table with my mother and daddy and gpa and gma and raini. Have my husband alive next to me laughing and joking. Have my brother and his wife and his kids and her kids. And Raini there with the new baby.
Please forgive me. I hope the light will come back.
the laughter will, the eccentricities will, won't they? I know hp will hold me.
Debilyn, I wish there was a hug emoticon, because I would line them up for you. It sounds like a really hard day and a hard time right now. I'm thinking and praying for you..
Oh sweet lady, how I know what you are going through. Most of my family is gone too. But I still cheerish what moments I had with them, and count myself the luckiest person in the world to have known them. I count my blessings to have found my new family here.
What you are feeling is completely natural and I promise you the light and love in your heart will come back. You have too much love and life in your heart to do otherwise. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself the time to grieve for the life you had. It's okay, that's what is suppose to happen. At this moment the grief you are feeling is overshadowing the the joy and love you feel for your son. I suspect he knows that. You're a good Mom and he's lucky to have you.
Hold tight to your sweet animals, yes including the frogs.
Hubby, Pipers Kitty and I are sending you extra love and prayers. Know that you are never alone.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am certain there is no room in your heart for hate. I wish you the best today! You have a family here to laugh, cry, talk with, and we all care about you unconditionally. We cannot change our pasts, we can make TODAY better though.
Feeling love and crying may feel weird . Its different from others. I don't know if it is comforting to say, yes, its a feeling that others have too. I have felt it many times in my life. Knowing such deep meanings of life and caring so intensely comes with feelings some never visit. When we've taken care of someones life that we care for and they have passed, is one that holds alot of feelings and experience. Sometimes too many feelings all at once can just flood us and overwhelm us and feels like it takes the life right out of us. And sometimes we may never want to feel again. Thats ok to have the feelings. Sometimes we just have to be with them and they will ease . Just to acknowledge that they are there. Its part of the human condition . Sometimes there is no one that can understand and that is a very lonely time. No one else has our relationship with the ones we miss. I feel very much for you during this time. Make it a special time for you. And when you are ready you will know what to do. If you feel the others may not understand, just say so and its OK. You don't have to explain everything.
I send you Loads of hugsIf it gets too much , Reach out to your friends, the group is here, the animals and nature is there and HP will guide you and help you thru.
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
((((Debilyn)))) I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. It is so terrible to be feeling bad in the first place, then having to go out in public, and to your son's wedding nontheless! You poor dear.
In truth, you sound like me. I too scramble for something decent to wear to social functions, I have spent too many years caught up in the A disease. I cannot hardly focus on anything else right now except trying to get well, myself. And praying for my husband.
I have not entered the zone of hatred or non-feeling yet. All I feel is hurt and pain, and missing my husband. I know I am supposed to focus on me, but I can't help but wonder what it is about me that makes him not want me anymore.
I find a lot of comfort in my pets, too. I have 2 cats. They have been sleeping with me since husband has been gone for 5 weeks.
Sometimes, they move and I wake up a little and feel them against me, and think it is my husband. I miss him terribly.
You may not know it, but you have given me a lot of help in this program. I have read your posts before. You sound like a really neat lady, with a real knack for caring for animals. What a blessing to them you are.
Hope today goes really quickly for you, and you can get back home to your Eden and relax.
Loads of hugsIf it gets too much , Reach out to your friends, the group is here, the animals and nature is there and HP will guide you and help you thru.