Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

WestMan · Senior Member

Trouble speaking at meetings

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

A good meeting will let you ventilate that stuff...

for me, getting to that point, was a sign of growth...

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hang in there westman - I agree with David. A good meeting with recovery as the primary purpose will allow you to speak your truth - no matter what it consists of.

I am sorry that you're not finding what you need in meetings (yet)....I added the yet in the hopes you'll continue to try. It took me a while to settle in and I was very resistant to adding another recovery effort to my plate. I did find a home though and a great tribe of support friends and am glad I didn't quit on it when I wanted to.

Keep coming back here - I appreciate the truth - no matter what it 'looks' like! Sending you some positive thoughts and prayers!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Just keep coming back .. I have shared before that it took me a LONG time to feel I fit into my home group meeting and it was still hard for me to share.

I have a different way of speaking my truth which is not alanon and is .. LOL .. I just started speaking it and that helped me a great deal to move forward .. the lit helps .. reading helps me focus it to the slogans and so on .. I think you speak your truth .. period. It comes sometimes quickly sometimes slowly .. just keep coming back.

They say 6 meetings is totally took me longer than that to feel a part of that group.

Hugs

S :)

WestMan · Senior Member

I'm about two months in. Been to maybe 10 or 12 meetings. Not really clicking for me. People keep talking over and over about how we all tried to control and blah blah blah. This was never my bag.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

What is your bag?

Stan1 · Senior Member

WestMan in reading your share I'm just wondering if you have been to more than one meeting place? I ask that because early in recovery I went with a friend to some of her meetings and felt like you. I felt like I just didn't fit in and wasn't truly listening, it was more like OK I'm here but this doesn't apply to me. I then went to a ACOA meeting and when someone handed me the laundry list it was OMG that's what I grew up with and maybe my perception of things have been affected even before my AH entered my life. I then found a meeting close to home that I really related to and things started to make sense. I met people who truly understood me and made some lifelong friends on the journey. Just hope you will keep coming back, even if only at MIP where you feel comfortable sharing.. sharing helps not only me but you never know you might just help another.

WestMan · Senior Member

I'm not giving up. Just a tad frustrated. I thought I'd be connecting with people a bit faster. I've been to about five different meetings and that has been good to see that there were definitely a couple that were not for me. I've found a couple others that I liked more so am trying to get to at least one of those every week. I have a couple of people I've called a few times too and that's nice but also feels weird to speak with someone who's essentially a stranger. My bag. Well, it was never to control or worry much over who's doing which drugs or how much they're drinking. This seems to be a common problem that gets brought up over and over in most meetings I've been to. Maybe I've been "lucky" that my A was high functioning and usually wasn't drinking herself into oblivion or doing other crazy shit. So I never was put in a position to search for hidden bottles, yell at her or avoid gatherings because of drunken behaviors. What I have done is some version of detaching I guess. But I suspect not a healthy kind.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

el-cee wrote:
What is your bag?

EC .. I know not directed at me however old American slang for "not my thing".

:)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL I know she was understanding and just trying to help Westman inventory a bit. Don't know how many times I have loved inventories for who I found out I was. Mahalo for you all. ((((hugs)))) wink

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Jerry and serenity. I was just thinking of the idea we have that being comfortable is important. I believe being comfortable like in a meeting just keeps us from truly seeing. I think you might be in the perfect place in terms of you not feeling comfortable but your still going. Your feeling different but your still going I think change comes from all this keep going the more uncomfortable the better in my mind. I feel like how your feeling is a huge part of this for you and you could possibly be on the cusp of some real amazing change. Don't give up don't look for the easy option know that this is how it's supposed to be. It's like the lobster who was uncomfortable in its own skin and looked for the quick fix and couldn't find relief the discomfort got so bad he took his skin off and got a brand new skin perfect fit. Your the lobster. Lucky you.x

KT2015 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Westman,
What I love about the meetings is you can say what is on your mind without anyone telling you it's wrong or correcting you or giving input even. At first I found the concept weird to just say what you have to say and no one responds to it but now I find it comforting. I am a pretty good public speaker myself when it comes to work I have no qualms about getting up in front of people and speaking with confidence about what I do or a project etc. but to do that I am very detached from my emotions, my feelings and my personal details of my life. It's a completely different skill than sharing at a meeting. When I first came to meetings I realized how emotionally shut off I could be. I didn't want to speak, I was so self critical about what I had to say that even if I did speak I felt like what I said was the stupidest thing ever. But I kept coming back and started to share a little here and there and it helped. In the beginning the whole concept of take what you like and leave the rest was helpful because I didn't like everything I heard and I could just leave it behind if it bothered me or I didn't like it.
As I kept coming back I kept taking more with me and leaving less and less behind :) It's a slow gradual process. My group reviews the 20 questions in my meeting and the first time I hear "do you find it difficult to identify and express your emotions?" I knew that was touching on something with me. That was where I started. I couldn't really progress through the program until I figured out what the heck I was feeling.
Keep coming back Westman.

Jaeger · Member

KT2015 wrote:
As I kept coming back I kept taking more with me and leaving less and less behind :) It's a slow gradual process. My group reviews the 20 questions in my meeting and the first time I hear "do you find it difficult to identify and express your emotions?" I knew that was touching on something with me. That was where I started. I couldn't really progress through the program until I figured out what the heck I was feeling.

I really relate to everyone here. I've been attending Al-Anon for a long time now. I still find it impossible to open up and express my feeling. I've never been very good with that and to think about opening up in front of so many people is frightening.

KT- Could you tell me where I could find the 20 question?

-- Edited by Jaeger on Wednesday 24th of May 2017 12:44:16 PM

KT2015 · ~*Service Worker*~

sure here is a link to the al anon website. my group tends to be geared towards adult children of alcoholics.
www.al-anon.alateen.org/did-you-grow-up-with-a-problem-drinker

mydogisreallycute · Member

Hi!

Oh I call those Shame Attacks. When I share and then I get angry with myself or feel I said too much or the wrong thing. I'm a quiet person by nature. So the idea of doing what we do in meetings was abhorrent to me. I had an attitude a mile long about these members and how they shared forever about all the details on this or that. Well, I've come to find... That is the family dynamic I grew up in and wouldn't you know I was doing the same thing over and over again? Assuming their way was who I was supposed to be and hating myself for not being just like my siblings and parents? My sponsor gave me permission to share when I was ready. I could work a step when I was ready. I said things in the beginning that .... lets say I'm happy It wasn't recorded. Everyone just loved me in a very special way. I did it again after all these years... I unintentionally promoted a business in my share. Everyone still loves me! No one chastised me! Anyway... I plan to give an amends to the meeting next week. My point here is, my sponsor helped me. She really helped me see I am lovable just as I am. It's ok to be myself. I can't change history. I may not share as much as others or as on point as I'd hope for, but the idea is I do it when I feel moved to do so.

Thanks for reading all that!
:)

WestMan · Senior Member

Really appreciating the comments. I will keep going.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene