The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my wife of 16 years went into AA last year after her father's death, she'd been drinking for 30 years. then restarted her count when she went off Ritalin two months ago. she'd been self-medicating on Ritalin for 15 years. She's highly functional, very accomplished we had an amazing relationship and i was fully supportive of her being in the program. of course, in every long-term relationship, there is dysfunction and some codependency. But we truly love each other and went to counseling and have been through a lot of hairy, deeply emotional periods of time good and bad. She can be withholdingat the same time she needs and wants me she has said some truly out of character things and has become almost sadistic in her treatment of me. long silences, no intimacy (even holding hands etc)
She was never abusive, we had a very intense sexual connection, we didn't communicate so well sometimes - in short, it was a human relationship. she drank socially, she drank while gardening, she could become tiresome.
In the past 2.5 years, she was awarded a high-stress job in her field, her dad died in a bizarre accident, her brother (a life-long meth addict) went into rehab, our beloved dog died, we moved twice ... but we had a lot of lovely and idyllic times too. We supported each other.
She decided to go into AA. Her first sponsor was a withholding nutjob and really f*ked with her head and wouldn't call her back when she needed her. It's been an intense process for her, she was in brown-outs her entire teenage years. There's some issues involving consensual sex. and re: crazy sponsors: My A had a good sense of humor about it. "I always pick the one that doesn't want me" She waited 8 months to get another sponsor. Finally got one. Three weeks ago, she exploded at me and said she couldn't go on with us. That I was the love of her life and she'd had the best years of her life with me, but she didn't think i could care for her as we age, she had thoughts of mortality etc, and she didn't trust me.
Everyone i have talked to, including the therapist we saw to process our separation has said in no uncertain terms what she did was unprecedented and viciously unconscious. i literally didnt see it coming. It's been suggested to me several times that it's a personality change and brain chemistry and her grief and her stress, and none of it is my problem. Except that she's destroyed our relationship
i love her with all my heart and she murdered me, I do think this is if not understandable, at least explicable if you take the chemical and life changes into account. Someone in the program thought it was a cry for help. But my world has been shattered. I miss her. I'm mourning my illusions of us. She was my best friend.
Yes. My A's new identity is an addict. She's embraced that and sees me as a threat. There is never any going back unless I choose death over life. (on many levels) My part in it is what hurts so much as well, that of being an enabler. Its the only way i could avoid the clarity of truth. That she was so unhappy with herself.
I did this to some degree out of love, loyalty and self-preservation. She was withholding and judgemental. We both were. But there was good will, and (i thought) a promise of "for better or worse"
she was supremely difficult as well as beautiful to me. And believe me, i'm a handful too.
But still, she believes herself, and i have to let her go. And i need help. How do i proceed?? Can someone help me understand what happened. I am reeling.
Thanks
-- Edited by Bailey71 on Friday 19th of May 2017 04:21:15 PM
-- Edited by Bailey71 on Friday 19th of May 2017 04:23:56 PM
-- Edited by Bailey71 on Friday 19th of May 2017 04:28:16 PM
-- Edited by Bailey71 on Friday 19th of May 2017 04:30:15 PM
I am sooo sorry that you are experiencing this kind of pain. I don't have a lot of ESH for you regarding intense love for my XAH .. I was more obsessed with him for lack of a better term. My marriage ended technically after 15 years however didn't get divorced for another 3 after that .. another 2 in and out of court .. ugh .. long story .. lol.
My XMIL (X's s/mom) and her relationship with my XFIL, when it ended it was 35 years, she ended it and STILL felt betrayed and so on. As she came out of her fog her understanding came that she had been obsessed with him as well .. she loved him however it was always some kind of worry or emotional drama .. did he love her why would he do this and so on. So I guess I am trying to say .. LOL .. is this is a different stand point of what you are talking about maybe so take what you like and leave the rest.
Not only did I do alanon meetings, sponsorship and reading (yes, self help .. helps :)) .. I had individual counseling as well. It was terribly painful and raw during the beginning of my self discovery journey now sometimes it's painful those days are more about more being revealed to me. Putting the focus on me and leaving my XAH to do what he was going to do helped me a great deal. I can see where I put myself through my own pain it took me some years to get there.
I really encourage you to stick around here and as the saying goes .. More will be revealed. :)
Glad you are here so sorry for the pain.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
thank you so much for replying. Here's the thing: she believes herself, believes HER story and i have to let her go. How do I proceed? She's succeeded in destroying every good memory i have because our relationship is now all hindsight is 20/20. I will not feel betrayed or obsessed because I don't want to bring this bitterness and heartbreak into my new life. I refuse. I also refuse to take responsibility for anything other than being somewhat codependentI'm ready to change that about myself and heal. But this bewildered helplessness in the face of what i think is her sudden insanity is SO HARD to deal with. This is a completely different person. And she believes her BS. I actually think it's an US and THEM (non-addicts) thing that AA fosters. I'm even paranoid enough that I think her sponser had something to do with it.
I should also mention that All the while saying still, that she loves me, i'm the love of her life but she feels hopeless
ps. my astrologer friend said "Your A's signifier shows up as really sort of needing/wanting you - while yours shows up with less than that for her"
which what? that makes no sense. I mean, I guess? Any insights? Has this happened to anyone else? I'm really lost.
-- Edited by Bailey71 on Friday 19th of May 2017 05:33:03 PM
My ex said some very hurtful things at the end. Each arrow hit its target.
Who is to say the other person gets custody of my memories? I no longer grant him the right to spin my memories. If I enjoyed it as it occurred, that is all I will remember.
Keep trying to shift the focus to you. What is it you need? How can you fill that need?
To be the love of their life for someone who tosses me away - doesn't do it for me. The words are incongruent with the actions. I now look at their actions. That is how they tell me who they are.
By realizing I was separating, I had to gradually ease him out of my mind. It was a slow process. It is so worth it.
Attending meetings helped me.
keep coming back
Welcome Bailey. It is taught in AA that one is powerless over alcohol. Here, we learn that we are powerless over people. In both cases, this leads to our lives becoming unmanageable.
I read your distress and also I observe things I recognise in myself, which is not a critique.
In alanon, we tend to love in an obsessive sense. So much of our self has become dependent on the flourishing of a relationship that's got serious impediments. Denial then, becomes a tool to maintaining the illusion we need to sustain for our own feelings of wellbeing. We can minimise, justify, ignore and enable, and become quite desperate without really knowing why.
As a woman and a double winner, ( I'm in both programs), there are things I hear your wife saying without speaking from what you've shared. In two and a half years, this woman has lost her father to death, her brother to addiction, and her fur friends just for icing. Yet somehow she's also managed to convey to you a sense of all is lovely. It suggests to me she has felt obligated to meet your needs and dealt with hers by drinking, and now she's at a place where she knows deep within her that to continue so is to play roulette with her life. So she is putting herself first which is very commendable.
She can't deal with other peoples needs right now. They trigger her and shes fighting for her life. So if you truly love her, gift her with unconditional support and love and space. Sometimes true love is letting go and letting God.
Please keep coming back and search out face to face meetings.
Exactly that is her truth, and she's entitled to it. At some point she might see things differently. I don't see so much the us against them .. it's no different than alanon .. you have good sponsors, good groups and so on .. which is why I am so thankful for MIP. This is a good solid group. There are groups that are not healthy and/or sponsors that are not healthy. It's ultimately always the RA's if they are attending AA and Alanon's individual to make choices that affect their long term marriage.
AA and Alanon promote not making any significant changes for AA they say the first 18 months at least at the home group I attended (I did open meetings to understand addiction better). Alanon suggests at least 6 months I think the difference is while I am seeking emotional sobriety .. A's are dealing with out of the gate more time is needed for clarification .. my opinion as well as experience .. specifically because it's a 4 fold disease most people go in bankrupted emotionally, mentally, physically as well as spiritually.
As far as why is your A behaving the way she does? Because she's an A and she's not doing anything differently than what A's do. Outside of that my cracked crystal ball can not venture a guess. People are who they are in the moment .. why would someone drive into a crowd of people in NYC? Why did the teacher run off with the student? Only those people can answer and I don't even think they know the why's of what they did and the far reaching consequences.
My suggestion is to go to an Alanon meeting where you will find others who have experienced emotionally what you are going through .. the boards are great the online meetings are great however face to face made huge changes. My responsibility is me .. not why my XAH did what he did .. as far as my relationship I had a part in the break down .. did I did not make him drink .. I did not make him take pills .. I did not make him cheat he did those things on his own .. drunk or sober he's still responsible for his choices. I have a part .. I do not nor will I own 100% maybe certain situations .. not all of it. So time has helped me see where I went that wasn't healthy for me which means it wasn't healthy for the relationship.
I would need more information regarding the astrology deal .. LOL .. that's just not enough for me to try and take a look at that. LOL .. weird fact I used to work for a psychic years ago and learned a few things.
Anyway, I hope that helps .. asking the Why's of why did whatever happen happen .. that's the stuff that will drive you crazy .. or at least it did me ... what helped me move forward was what can I do differently, where can I change for me to heal.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You all are so lovely. Believe me, i get where she's at and i commend her as well. The comment from Jill is where I'm at right now. And while I get where you are coming from, I have been wide awake and holding her hand throughout all of the beauty and catastrophes of our life together. I never abdicated my responsibilities to her, to care for her and listen and love. I have been right there in the trenches with her.
I absolutely know where she's at, because while a person can't and shouldn't claim to know how another feels, i have weathered losses and triumphs that are similar. we all have and we all help each other and walk each other home.
She dropped me into a void. and i am enraged. and what i want is to be free.
I've learned a lot of really good and uplifting things about myself during my al-anon journey, and I've also had to face a lot of pretty hard truths about myself. And one of them was, one thing I used to scream at my A about was the fact that he always wanted to "rewrite history". After each and every horrible episode, he would spend weeks, months, years even, explaining to me over and over and over that "what happened was, you did this....and that made me do xyz....so you see, I was always an innocent, sweet, loving guy, and you did these terrible things that made me go crazy and ruin both of our lives".
And I would almost explode with rage because "THATS NOT WHAT F%^$&ING HAPPENED. YOU DID THIS!!! YOU DID IT!!!".
Over time I've come to see that I actually do the same thing. I also try to rewrite history, albeit maybe in a more subdued and "meek" way. Just like him, I try to insist that history happened the way I want to believe it happened...the way that proves, definitively, that I am perfect and anything bad that has happened in my life/relationship is due to someone else and their terrible behaviour.
The thing is, that version isn't true either. The factual version of events is in the past, and no-one is ever going to remember it exactly right, or know what each person was feeling or intending.
I found the peace I craved in al-anon because it gave me a safe space to articulate my version of events and feel heard and cared for...and at the same time, I found a place where I could, eventually, see my own part in the mess I had lived in and calmly and pragmatically examine the ways I had contributed to my own distress (and that of others) and make adjustments so that I could manage my affairs in a way that made me feel much happier in the future (without needing to re-write the past).
When you love someone, there is no real peace to be found in proving to the world that they are a terrible person. The more you try, the more it hurts. What does bring some peace (I have found) is being able to calmly and subjectively view myself, and the other person as perfectly imperfect people trying to navigate life with what are often some pretty crappy tools. We all do the best we can with the resources we have at the time, you know?
I hope you stick around and find the same kind of peace that al-anon has to offer
Welcome to MIP Bailey - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in....you share reminded me of a love lost for me a long while ago. He was (for me) the truest love of my life (at the time) and he dropped me like a hot potato.....I was totally devastated and tried as best I could to understand, seek clarity, change his mind, etc. all to no avail.
I did not have any recovery at the time and I carried the burden of loss for a long, long while. I could not see one single thing that was 'good' in the end of that relationship and took it very personally - assuming I was not lovable and there were big issues with me and yadada...
I finally did recover to the point of doing some dating and other relationships, but in my mind, he was always the 'big one that got away'. I compared all others to him, how I felt about him vs. new guy, how they treated me vs. him, etc. As time went on, I found others who were nicer to me, kinder to me, more engaging to me, etc. yet I still yearned for him in a way that I just could not shake.
About 5 years after it ended, I found myself in AA recovery. He made it to the top of many inventories for a long, long while and I still yearned for him. 10+ years sober, I heard through the grape-vine that he'd been convicted of the manu./distro. of meth. We had partied together in the day, but I did not realize this was the journey his life took. In that very moment, upon reflection of where I was and where he was, I knew - beyond a shadow of a doubt - God had truly protected me and saved me by that huge rejection in the moment.
Not to say this is what will happen in your life, but more to share my own ESH with life events that - at the time - were beyond devastation and destruction. I am in a much better place now when I am faced with unimaginable pain, I literally turn inward and upward seeking for the lesson to arrive sooner rather than later.
We learn in recovery that the actions, words, deeds, etc. of another person truly are not about us - it's about them. When relationships in my life end today, I can actually reflect and come to a peaceful place that I did the best I could as an imperfect human and anticipate what comes next. I do believe that there is a Master Plan and I am so not in control of anything around me - only me and how I hear, receive, personalize and respond to all the other influences around me.
Where I am today is a direct result of 'growing up in public' through recovery. When I can stay focused on one day at a time, learn from the past events and stop projecting what comes tomorrow, I can usually find some peace. I am sorry that the disease and the diseased have sent you reeling and do understand. My hope is my share gives you an idea that what we feel and see in the moment as horrible/terrible/unbearable may actually be the first step to something magnificent and wonderful not yet revealed.
I do encourage you to seek out any local Al-Anon meetings and attend - there is great folks there who will understand what you've been through, where you are and share their ESH in loving support. We never judge and rarely give advice - instead share what we can to help others heal/deal from the affects of living with or loving one with this dreaded disease.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
In two and a half years, this woman has lost her father to death, her brother to addiction, and her fur friends just for icing. Yet somehow she's also managed to convey to you a sense of all is lovely. It suggests to me she has felt obligated to meet your needs and dealt with hers by drinking, and now she's at a place where she knows deep within her that to continue so is to play roulette with her life. So she is putting herself first which is very commendable. She can't deal with other peoples needs right now. They trigger her and shes fighting for her life. So if you truly love her, gift her with unconditional support and love and space. Sometimes true love is letting go and letting God. Please keep coming back and search out face to face meetings.
i kept coming back to this. this is exactly what's happened, although we were both very much present for each other through all of this. I did this, I gave her my unconditional and conditional love, and I think I was moving towards that right action anyway - you guys very wonderfully responded to my human disaster whirlwind yesterday (again, so lovely). I do love her, and I can give her that gift of unconditional support and love and space. I don't know if we'll ever be the same, or even if we'll be in each other's lives but I did what was in my heart and i gave up my anger. i'm not carrying it into my next life, and i can heal myself. I surrendered. And i felt real sadness (no righteousness, no what ifs, no second guessing). I just feel sad for how innocent we all are in our narratives and storieshow much we believe ourselves. Don't hold on to anger, don't let it shout down your better angels. We're not here to be angry and fearful. It's really hard to get across how out of character this is of her, while also conveying that a change needed to happen. I wish addiction/fear wasn't part of being human. Anyways, thank you anonymous peoples!
Hi Bailey,
It sounds like your wife is adjusting to not being medicated. Alcohol is a drug, and sometimes people do not think about the effect it has on the brain That makes me wonder what her true self was underneath the drinking and Ritalin. Maybe your wife suffers from depression and AA is helping her learn how to manage it.
