The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page acknowledges that many questions brought to AlAnon involve 'what if'. Fear of what might happen is often at the heart of desperate actions.
AlAnon suggests that trying to forecast the future actions of anyone, particularly a qualifier, is not helpful. By looking for or expecting negative outcomes, I may even increase their likelihood. At the least, I am burning precious strength worrying about something that has not yet occurred, and perhaps will not.
Today's Reminder: Focusing on possible, negative outcomes wears me out. I stay in a healthier place by choosing to focus on gratitude, leaving me stronger if I have to address something that actually happens.
"I will not give reality to trouble that may never come." - Bible
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In AlAnon I learn that there is so much I can do to improve my state of mind and circumstances when I stop trying to monitor, advise, or rebuke my qualifier. If I don't, I'm actually interfering with my qualifier's recovery path, and my efforts to control the unrealized 'what if's create actual problems for us both.
I find that my ability to drop my obsession with 'what if' is directly connected to acceptance of my powerlessness over alcohol and my qualifier. Whatever happens is going to happen and can be dealt with as necessary. The instant I put my focus on what might happen or what others may be up to, I lose my serenity.
I am encouraged in AlAnon to take responsibility for my serenity, not by controlling others, but by taking the steps I feel necessary to ensure my own physical safety and spiritual health. I can do this by increasing my program work and creating temporary (moving to another room, leaving the house) or permanent (moving out, avoiding contact) space from the qualifier.
I am so grateful for the program wisdom that reminds me that I can find peace and serenity regardless of what others choose to do
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I have changed "what if" to "what do I want" It really doesn't matter what the A in my life does or doesn't do .. it comes back to me. Alanon gave that gift to me to move forward in a more positive way so I can focus on what I do have control over vs what I do not.
"What if" translates to the unknown future which leaves me feeling anxiety filled without any real solid footing to gain any strong answers.
Now there is a difference for me specifically of "what I know" vs "what if" .. and that has honestly helped me stay ahead of the curve in some regards .. what I know is my X continues to do what he has always done which means he gets the continued results he always gets. What I know is he's so unpredictable he's predictable on so many levels. These are all based upon my experience directly related to him.
"What do I want" allows me to be on the flip side of powerless which is a powerful place to be .. I acknowledge I am powerless over others however I am powerful in my choices when I allow my HP to dictate and I listen to His Will vs trying to impose mine.
I think the bottom line is it puts me accepting responsibility for me vs trying to fix, manage and control someone else. I like that a great deal better.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I not only spent a lot of time saying "what if" but also ''what has been." The has been was as bad or worse than the what if, because my what if was formed by what had been. And that was no good! Alanon is helping me stay focused on me, and today. I'm a grateful member of alanon, growing and changing for the better. Lyne
Thank you Paul for your ESH, service and the daily! Thanks to all above for your shares/ESH.
I believe my mind had used, "What if....." and "If......then" and "When......then" for so, so long, a perpetual state of projection was all I really knew. It was entrenched in my thinking, actions, projections, etc. One Day at a Time and or Stay Present were truly foreign concepts to me. I had to practice, practice, practice those simple yet powerful concepts vs. just give lip service. It was hard for me to grasp this way of thinking/living as I'd been a planner and controlling person for a long, long while.
I'm less inclined to think that way today, simply because recovery has been able to help me appreciate the here and now. Time and time again, when I use the 10th step and examine my day, my best days are when I get what I need and keep my focus on me. I am one who has to remind myself each morning that I've been affected by this disease, and am powerless. I turn my will (EGO) and life over in prayer and let go of outcomes as best I can. I slow down my processing so I can look for my part (if I have one) instead of owning the solution (EGO). I am only responsible for me, my actions, reactions, responses and not anyone else's.
So grateful that recovery has given me back enough sanity to enjoy the journey and not race to the destination I WANT....I love looking for the miracles each day and not feeling as if all that's going on is mine to manage! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
