The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my biggest challenges is turning that tape off in my head. My A runs through my head all day long. My readings say that this is the unmanageability mentioned in the 12 steps and obsessing about the A. My realization is that I replay conversations with my A in an attempt to make a better argument this time and change the outcome in my mind. In other words I try to win. It will never happen. Also, I am slowly coming to realize that it won't impact my husband and his decision to leave one bit if I think about him all day long. I am afraid to let go ie if I don't think about our situation nothing will happen. Nothing happens when I obsess except that I put myself in a terrible frame of mind.
HP help me find your will for me. Thanks for listening.
Hate to hear what you are going thru. If he is active what is it you have to hang on to ? if you don't save you who will ? Being connected to the insanity of an A will only drowned you along with them. I hope you get the strength you need to survive and make a life. All the energy you put into a dead end won't help. You need your energy for you a life thats better. If you can, think about your own self and what to do to save YOU.
BLESSINGS
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Someone explained to me that what I was doing was putting my A infront of Hp/God when I did this. My A was my first thought in the morning and my last thought going to bed. I'd think about him in the shower, while I fixed breakfast, driving, laundry, --- it was a true obsession. I had to put my HP/God first. I do everything I can to get up in the morning and think first thing, God please help me to do Your will in this day, You are in control, help me to find the acceptance I need to carry on thru this day. Open my eyes to the life that I'm letting pass by. And when I go to bed, I pray in gratitude, it is not always easy but there are always things to be grateful for.
I know that I would have to stop my thinking, when I realized what I was doing. I say to myself, he doesn't think about me as much as I think about him. Or he's not thinking about that last conversation we had, it is totally out of his mind and I need to let it go too. Then I get busy. Pull out a long lost project I need to complete and start living the life I have.
I had my sponsor give me an assignment -- it was to clean my coffee pot/maker with a tooth brush until there wasn't a bit of stain or coffee grounds on it. This was just to keep me busy and out of my head. Sometimes keeping busy helps lol. Do you realize how nasty coffee makers get
Oh well, I won't say I've got this down pat, as a matter of fact I was up an hour this morning before I realized I hadn't talk to God/Hp, and I'd already begun to obsess about my A. The difference is, I'm aware and now I know I can do something about it. Keep trying, it does get easier.
I have suffered throught this too, if it wasn't my tapes from childhood telling me, I wasn't trying hard enough, it was my ex, telling me ~ the constant incessant screaming & psychological abuse I sufferend thru w/ that one! Gripes he chose me carefully, knew my ACOA & background of suicidal ideations... the last 2 yrs of my marriage him telling me "klill yourself in the bathtub, so it won't be a big mess for me to deal with."
I thank God I am not venegeful & have (finally) forgiven him completely for "Trying to rob" bits of my life... which I now realize is an impossibility if I don't "give" it to him!
I can't see the movie, "What teh Bleep do we Know?" enough... it is really changing my perception. One of the things said by the physicists is that the brain cannot deferrentiate between what it remembers and what it actually sees visually.
This idea alone has helped me a lot. It means I can go back to "good memories", recreate them within, smell the smells, almost touch the textures - I can focus on joy, compassion, forgiveness, & let go of the depression, anger & rage & make new stronger connections for a more positive way of living/being, eventually the old habitual thoughts, tapes will break off (the synapses literally).
But I KNOW exactly what you're talking about, I would do things to distract myself, watching comedy or old movies, reading books that touched me, listening to music that I wanted, even just driving a different way, to break the old patterns & develop new ones.
When I sleep - I listen to meditative cd's - they help a lot too. Just anything to do that's different & 'of my own.' When my ex said things about me that I knew were lies & he was just bullying me, even at those times ~ I would think inside "you are wrong, you are lying" but it is a type of brainwashing when you hear it over & over so much.
It is just a matter of re-programming your mind to focus on whatever it is that you WANT.
I've been as depressed, mentally screwed up & otherwise, to attempt suicide twice at 15 & 36, if I can turn my life around, anyone can. AFter 21 years of deep depression, finally things are changing. You can do it, I have faith in you!!!
Love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hugs Nancy I find that I hate the indecisiveness I have around my A. I am in every other area of my life one of those people who doesn't over analyse and just does things. I am finding that I need to get back on track with MY program as my A doesn't have one and try not to let his drinking affect my moods. It is so frustrating. When they are sober communication opens up and everything is fine and then bang they come home drunk and you swing back into the see-saw. Do I stay, should I leave,should I ask him to leave how much more do I take? Whatever happens in your world Nancy we are here for you. You are important to all of us. Luv Leo xx
Something that I have found helps me to turn that tape off I learned here. It is to 'stay in the moment'. Whatever you are doing while the tape runs, start to pay attention to it. Chopping onions? Feel them with your hands, hear the sound of the knife, see the crisp white, the juice spurting, yes, even smell them! Feel the tears start in your eyes, you are alive here, now - experience it. You can do this with everything - this is your life, and if you are anything like me, you are sometimes not actually living it, but instead playing those tapes, rerunning that same old mess. Yoga and meditation techniques are helpful here, they can teach you to 'be here now'. Even just repeating the serenity prayer, over and over, has gotten me through some hard times.
THere have been times I have been at work or even at home and my husband was out and I felt like I couldn't stop obsessing about what he may or may not be doing. After an episode or argument I would replay it in my mind and try to think of another outsome or something else I could have said or done to get my point across and open his eyes to what everyone else could see. I even went over the arguement in my head to validate my own feelings. One slogan I have heard that has really helped me through these times is "Keep you mind where your butt is." If your butt is at work, that's where your mind needs to be focused. If you're at home with the kids, focus on them. It helps to stay in the moment. I hope this helps.
I do this also. Not nearly as much as I did two years ago. I was convinced two years ago after an argument that it was my fault!!!! When I realized that I was doing the same thing over and over and everything was the same. My life had become unmanagable. I understand now that I was sicker then him. Work the program, it works!!! Tonight he is out at friends for a sorta engagement party. He asked me if I was mad he was going. I was able to say, no not mad, but it makes me anxious because the decisions he makes are not responsible ones. I worry about what might happen. His response was not defensive, he said "I will try to be responsible" ya know, today that was all I needed. I feel no sickness in my gut, no never ending thoughts of the "what ifs"......I have only sought comfort in the Serenity prayer once today....it was all I needed.....I actually have a life!!!!! Even with all the crisis with my mom right now......I don't have to know what my A is doing. Keep working the program!!! It really does work, remember your a work in progress....I slip at times but am able to get right back on track...Hang in there, be gentle with yourself.
Your posting hit home. I've gotten better; still happens to some degree in certain situations. On this one I try and take a life lesson from my dog, who is always in the present moment -- but sometimes that tape just keeps on rolling. I have been finding that as I can see myself doing it I am actually processing information now in a way I didn't used to. So, while there are somethings I think about way too much, it is as if I am working through certain issues, essentially seeing the lessons I need to learn that I didn't used to see when I was solely focused on the other person. Now I keep asking myself what's my role, why can't I get this out of my mind, and usually within a day or two the answer comes to me.
