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Hi, I have been reading a few of the posts and replies, I have been though very similar situations. I think I am at my breaking point.
We have been married for 6 years this yr. and have been together since High School 1991. I moved up to a state I could care less about because of him. But also have 3 beautiful daughters, 4 and under because of him.
He has had 4 DUI's & 2 assult/disorderly charges. Has admitted to alcoholism + cocaine addiction. Both of his addictions affected my pg with dd#2---me not eating, sleeping, under emotional stress etc.etc. I am just so blessed that god helped me through it and she is fine! I guess i finally started to reconize the alcoholism after we had dd#1. He started staying out late and coming home wasted, I at that time said we have 2 month old at home and you have a choice to make your friends or family---then he actually picked us. That lasted for about 2 maybe three months before I realized there was more than just the alcohol and thats when it lead into the coke use. I wasn't stupid after all I wasn't miss perfect back in the day and had helped one of my best girl friends out of a coke addiction and I mean come on when 2-400 dollars are missing weekly you have to think of something? Right? I just never thought he would be that stupid to do that shit! The alcohol in the mean time has always been there period. The coke use was eventually given up b/c I left him only for one night but still that was hard for me to do. Then after that he got his 4 DUI. He swore up and down and left and right that he was going to stop going out all night and for a while he did b/c he got put on work release through jail, he was on probation when he got his damn DUI so his po violated him and he was thrown in jail 45 days. So after that he swore he would never drink again or stay out all night and he still had to face the DUI charges. Well thank god for good attornies and me(I wrote a letter to the judge basically saying that he had changed and I believe that he'll never go back to the way he was, especially b/c I left for that day and night) anyways he didn't serve any time and it got dropped to a misdemeaner(sp) lucky guy. Well he is on probabtion still from that and recently picked up a disorderly charge, I don't know if his po will violate him for that or not we will find out next month. But in the time leading up to the recent disorderly charge he started staying out again coming home wasted at 2-3 in morning and I mean getting use to it is one thing b/c I was but it didn't change the fact that hated it! Well the verbal abuse was getting worse along with the pushing me aroung and of course then his loud mouth. He was in a blackout and he went to pee but not in the bathroom, the babys room of all places. I tried to get him out and he grabbed my arm then threw me up against some moving boxes holding my neck i got free then shoved him back with my foot and thats all it took for him to lift me up off the floor by my neck. I am 5'3" and he is 6'1". I had my 4 year old tell me she was scared of daddy, so i left after he passed back out. During all that i was called every name in the book + being threated to be killed. Like I said before every little push or shove from him in the past was like just blown off but I cannot forget or forgive him for this one and he wants me to trust him and forgive him HOW???? He doesn't even remember what he said or did to me except for in flashes. So I was gone for a week and I thought he had his breaking point. But he started back up again and he is still promising that he won't ever get to that point again, that it will only be 5-6 beers and not 12-18, HOW does he really know that? i am just so lost right now and stuck and frusterated and hurting. I did file an assult charge on him and i was photographed but it is being saved as a just in case we need it(knowing the right people) All I wanted was for him to get help and he did for 3 weeks then now it's I need it not him. All over again!
I am sorry this is so long I was just seeing if there is anyone out there in my shoes?
I think many people here can relate to your story. My A is a Jekyll and hyde type. I know there has been some serious substance abuse issues for years. I did not know how to set limits around it. There has also been violence in the house (although not for a while now that got a lot better with Al-anon for me) and there is generally a lot of demands and promises from him.
I can definitely relate to the cleaning up the mess, the rescuing the hoping and the trying to set limits and having nothing much come of it. I can also relate to the emotional and physical exhaustion of it My A lives in total chaos 24/7 and he lies a great deal. Right now I just presume everything is a lie.
I hope you will come to this group for you and your issues. I can understand being at wits end about the A and his escalating chaos and the way he just slips and slides from one crisis to the next. I think it is incredibly draining to live with. I hope you will see help and support for yourself because you do deserve it.
Thanks Maresie, My dad was also an A and I remember a lot of verbal abuse with my mom and me from him when I hit puberity. My dad has never admitted that he is an A but will admit that he his drinking was what caused my mom to finally leave.
I guess now especially with my kids so young, when should I stop the cycle before they will continue it?
My A husband has all the help in the world surrounding him and won't take it and grab it and make the change for himself not just for us. I don't want him to look back and put this all on me again.
I am still seeing a therapist. He just won't go anymore.
And do I know the lies to me and himself, He lied today about getting off work early and went and had a few beers. He didn't want to answer his phone b/c he knew I'd be pissed. Well YES and I was.
very quickly....me, a college educated grown woman, married 6 years to my alcoholic husband, with two children, on 3 the other 9 months. Recognized the seriousness of his disease after the birth of our first child. I have been called every name in the book, yelled at in front of my children.
My A has been VERY VERY lucky when it comes to drinking and driving. I've had the cops come to the door to tell my MY vehicle is in the middle of the road out front, stuck in the snow, and since it's mine, I'M the one that has to get it moved because A hubby is already in bed and passed out.
There is an excellent chance your A will blame you, not because you are to blame, but it's because it's what they do.
I understand. As do, I'm sure, many people on this board.
I"m new to alanon, so I don't know as much to help, but I just wanted you to know, you aren't alone....(((((((HUGS))))))
wow. sometimes it's really strange how similar all of our stories are. you are not alone. 12 years with my crack addicted husband. he had long periods of sobriety. but then would take a drink or smoke a joint and it always leads him right back to his drug of choice. he's worked the AA program. he knows what to do if he wants to stay sober. he was ok after baby#1. relapsed when i was pregnant with baby#2.total insanity on my part. the things i did it's a wonder i wasn't killed or arrested. but she was born healthy. he had almost 4 years of good sobriety. he worked a program and i went to alanon but i didn't really get into it. i was mad that i had to do anything. after all he was the one that did all the damage.then baby #3 and he relapsed and had affairs and was more physically violent than he'd been before. lifted me up but the neck, threatened to kill me, left bruises. it was really awful.he finally hit a bottom and went to rehab. they diagnosed him with bi-polar1 disorder.runs in his family. they put him on meds.i went back one more try. he slipped once again but picked himself up pretty quickly.i love him i hate his disease. i can only say that because of alanon. he is a different person when he's in his addiction.someone i don't know and don't want to know. this program saved my life. i hit bottom after baby#3 and that's when it started to make sense. i understand the pain you're in.you came to the right place. no one here will judge you or tell you what to do.your choices are yours. and you do have choices.you are going thru this for a reason. and the fact that you came here to vent shows that you want help. my husband relapsed a month ago after a year of sobriety. i took the kids and left. not out of anger. maybe disappointment. but mainly because i know i need to take care of myself.and my kids. i've left before out of fear and anger. we were seperated for awhile but i just wasn't comfortable with going thru with a divorce. i did what i needed to do.today i am comfortable with my choices. thats how i judge if they are the right ones for me to make. if it doesn't feel right then i wait.tell ya what though, it has taken me a long time to get where i am and i know i have a really long way to go. but i'm working it the best i can.take care of you. i know that's hard and a totally outragous concept when we're in the middle of crisis.but try. you can be ok. good luck and much love
I am exactly in your shoes honey, the only difference is no physical abuse anymore but, I can remember in the beginning of our marriage him pelting things at me. The only differance between us is I have been taking it for 19 yrs. How smart is that? I always said what about the kids but I am wondering now if it was the right thing. I think it would have been easier for them when they were the age of your children instead of teenagers.
I don't really have any good words of wisdom to give you except get out. Run as fast as you can. It will never change no matter how we hope and pray pleed beg cry, doesn't matter it only changes for amounts of time and then there we are right in the same place as we started.
If you can't do that try to seperate your life as much as possible. One thing that is helping me so very much is I have learned we must take care of ourselves and our children first and foremost.
Thanks to everyone so much for all the info and actually being in the same boat!
I am understanding everyone trying to seperate the disease from the person. And when he is sober he is the best husband/father in the world. But when he is druck it is my problem, trying to keep the kids asleep and not setting him off for an arguement. How do you get over the fear of what if? What if one night it's too much again or what if he's more drunk then he says? I cannot seem to get past the fears for my life again and I know in his right mind he would never hurt me or the kids but what fi it happens again and this time it's worse or one of the kids gets in the way?
I am still so lost and I love him as a person, I hate him with this disease!
When you start to feel unsafe and you are being physically abused you need outside assistance. Please put yourself and the safety of your kids before anything else. Luv Leo xx
The same exact questions keep running through my head as well. I almost had a panic attack this week because I knew my husband is off on vacation time all next week and know for a fact that it will be filled with lots of drinking, lots of promises to do things around the house and with the kids, and will in fact, be lots of broken promises.
I was told by someone, that once you start the alanon program, it's SUGGESTED that you don't make any major decisions for 6 months - a year. It's a suggestion. If you feel threatened, or you are concerned for you or your kid's safety. Your responsibility is to you and them. Not your A.
I think the hardest thing for a lot of us is that without the alcohol or drugs, there is a wonderful, caring, devoted person underneath. I LOVE my husband. He is an incredible man. But get some alcohol in him, and he becomes such an a*s. All of his insecurities surface, and he takes it out on everyone around him.
Anyway, this program is wonderful because it is allowing me to regain the control in MY life that I gave up years ago through the disease's manipulation tactics. Does it mean I'll stay in this relationship? I don't know yet. But, I think more importantly, it's helping me with my most important relationship. The one I have with me and my HP.
Blessings, Sahm3. I hope you are able to find some relief and comfort here.
I agree with Leo. You need to keep yourself and your children safe. If he is blacking out and hitting you...it is past time to go. I know we are not supposed to give advice here. However when violence is an issue. RUN! Get help...get out before it is too late.
I agree with Julia and Leo, you and your children are in danger from this person. That is first and foremost. My a hubby has never hit me, but if it ever came to that, it would be the last time he ever saw me.
Alcoholics will promise anything to get what they want. They are incapable of keeping those promises though, this I have learned the hard way, as have many of us.
Some of us still love our a's in spite of what they say and do (I don't). Some choose to stay, some choose to leave, each for their own reason. Only you can make the choice that is right for you. Having said that, be safe. Keep your children safe. You deserve it.
Thats where I'm torn, b/c i love him I am having the hardest time on deciding what to do? I am a stay at home mom, unfortuneately with no degree never finished college. I get so discusted with him when he still gets drunk and says see you can trust me, I would never hurt you. How does he know when he goes into blackouts. I do truely belive that he would never hurt me sober. I just still get fearful and when he is drunk and starts crying saying how could you think I would ever hurt you I am so sorry. Well i have blunt out told him drunk and sober that I cannot trust him and i am not ready to forgive him yet.
Last night we went to the Supercross and of couse he gor drunk but had told me prior that he was only going to have a couple beers flipin $8 each he had 4 there and 4 on the way which i was pissed of about b/c i was the one that had to drive downtown detroit and I am totally lost down there and hate driving the freeways but we did go with friends and thank god for my girlfriend to keep me company and be sober with me. I look at the cost of the money he spent on beer and i actually told him that it was 2 packs of diapers and a refill pack of wipes with money to spare. Pretty pittiful right!
Oh God help me make the right decision, he is always with me I know and has helped me so much in the past. I think he has given me the signs and directions but I still know it's me that has to take the step.
Thanks everyone, I will be back tomorrow--he's awake now,
Can you have a back up plan that you have somewhere safe to go to if things get out of hand. I am sure there would be some sort of crisis line where you live that can tell you what is available if your safety is threatened. I am not trying to make the decision for you sweetie but am concerned for your well being. Just talk to someone who deals with this on a daily basis. Thinking of you and the kids. Luv Leo xx
Leo, Yes there is my parents house and even his mom. You know the toughest part of all this is the love I have for him. I think probably know it would be so much easier if there were no kids but thats not the case. There is not any domestic violence with his father but apparently was with his grandmas father. I am just so lost, I want to believe him and trust in him but I just can't, so for now I am just walking on pins and needles if he does drink watching how much he's drinking and just hoping it's a few.
I am going to be speaking with an attorney hopefully the second week in April. It's hard to get in, this attorney is a friend of my parents and he wants my mom to go too so until then, I am just going to make sure that when my "A" husband drinks that I watch my mouth. My mom has actually stayed the night before when my A hubby was out drinking. All these empty promises.
You know for years it was just the "A" but over the past few years some sort of demon has come out when there is a button pushed. I remember the first instance was after we had dd#2 and she was only 5 days old, he came home with a cigarette in the house and i told him to get out with the smoke b/c she was sleeping in our bed and he got pissed and shoved me down in the corner. That was the first time. You know I grew up with this guy and he was never like this ever, I mean I use to laugh at him and even with him being drunk. Sure he you to get pissed off drunk but he would always throw things or punch a wall or something. Never anything on me. I mean he would and use to get in fights with others or loose his temper with anyone, not only me but I find it wierd that not only did I not know but all the signs were right there in front of me.
I do know what the right thing to do is but it is just so hard b/c not only do I still love him as the person I know he truely is not being drunk but the kids whats gonna happen with them not understanding whats going on.
Ok thats enough off of my chest for now, thanks so much for being here to listen to me. I do see my therapist on Wed. and am also going to speak with him about having an intervention for the last straw. We will see, thanks again,
