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This is long, so please bear with me, I need to get it out...
So last Wednesday I went to bed at 1:10 am after a movie and some MIP board viewing. I was awoken by my AH in obvious distress. Since he has suffered from an unprovoked PE 3 years ago, I was somewhat concerned. I say somewhat b/c lately he has resorted to complaining about everything to get some attention. After asking him a few questions, I ask him if he thinks I need to call 911. He said he didn't think so, b/c we were still paying on our son's ambulance ride from Nov. That doesn't matter if you are dying! I said. Finally, I just got dressed and told him to get in the car and I took him to the ER. Hours and hours later, the doctor came in and tells us that he could not find a blood clot, but his bloodwork shows that he could have some, and that he wants to admit him. So now we are into Thursday morning in a hospital room. The only paperwork from the ER was about alcoholism and where to get help... interesting. I wonder what his lab work looked like, but keep my mouth shut. While I was in the ER with him and the doctor, my AH was not honest with him about his alcohol use. After many tests, the doctors decide that it was never a PE at all... they suspect that my AH has a slipped disc and order an MRI. Lo and behold, he is unable to fit in the MRI machine. What? This is a big hospital... what do you mean? I guess his shoulders were "too wide."
Long story short, my AH was sent home with a decreasing dose of Methylprednisalone and a non-opiod pain killer. BUT, and this is a big but, it acts like an opiod. Red Flag! So since my AH was never honest with his alcoholism, I mention to his doctor (who is a new one, btw), that my husband has had addiction problems in the past and if that drug would be bad for him? So the doctor asked him some questions about his meth addiction, how long ago etc., but decided to send the pills anyway.
Went through the weekend with only 1X smelling alcohol on him. Of course he denied. Whatever. I have come to accept he is going to do what he is going to do, no matter what I say, how I feel, or what it will do to his body. I did read the info on the pain killer though, and went to him to talk about it. In the end, he felt that perhaps I should hang onto the bottle and he can get the pills from me. I said OK, b/c I felt that I could help him avoid an issue with these pills. I then counted them. According to my AH, he has only taken 2. There were 30 prescribed and only 18 left! I know for a fact that they weren't stolen by my son(who has no drug issues but is a teen), b/c my AH and I had a discussion about this when we first got home from the hospital and my AH hid them ... just in case. So I asked him if he took all those pills over the weekend. "Yea, I guess so." he said. Oh brother! So I asked if he wanted me to be the only one who knows where they are and he said yes to that. The next evening I gave him a pill when he asked. The day after that, I came home to find him asleep on the bed, and my nightstand obviously rifled through. I asked him about it, and he had no idea what I meant. So I said, well, all these things are outside of my nightstand, and when I went to work today, they were in the nightstand. Still nothing. I actually had to go ask my DS if he was looking for something in my nightstand - he was not. When I came back in the bedroom, I said, "Welp, it wasn't him." That's when he finally admitted he was looking for those pills. I was both angry at him and myself. He for lying and me for putting myself as his "drug keeper." Why would I ever do that? I thought to myself. That is old, "managing the chaos" behavior!
So I told him I shouldn't be keeping tabs of his pills, that is his responsibility, and I gave him the pills back.
Fast forward to today. He texts me and says he feels absolutely fine and that he is going to cancel is follow-up appt. with the doctor. Surprise, Surprise! He tells me he rescheduled for NEXT Thursday. But you know what, it is what he always does. How can you go from being bawling in pain 2 nights ago to right as rain today? I just texted back, "OK."
So I get home this evening and he is what looks like passed out on the bed. The room reeks of alcohol. Eventually he wakes up and I say hi, and why are you watering the front yard with the sprinkler attachment (our yard sprinklers work fine)? He said it was because the grass was all dry and dying. So I tell him, you do remember that I used weed killer on those areas b/c they had become weed & Bermuda grass infested? So then he just looked at me with this blank stare and I swear I could almost see the cogs in his brain spinning! He then tells me, well, the grass was so dry I wanted to water it. "Ok" I said.
Then I go into the kitchen to see how my slow-cooker chicken is coming along... wait a minute... I had 4 really large breasts in the pot, and now there are only 2 and maybe a 1/4 piece in there. WTH? So I go back and ask him if he ate the two pieces of chicken. "No." he said.
"How can that be?" I ask. "Today before work I browned up 4 large pieces and put them in the crock pot and you were the only one home."
"I didn't eat the chicken!" he says. So I go ask my son (who is vegetarian) just to make sure I'm not falsely accusing AH. Nope. He didn't eat them. So I go back to AH and tell him that DS didn't eat them. THEN he tells me that he ate "a little piece" of one. Unfortunately that just infuriated me... b/c where else would the chicken go? So I told him that he wasn't telling me the truth and I had enough. I walked away at that point.
I thought everything was fine, but AH got up out of bed and started yelling and slamming stuff around. Accusing me of jumping down his throat and getting all "pissy" about him eating a little chicken. I told him I was angry because that was supposed to be our dinner and you lied! "So I ate my part of the dinner, what's the big deal?" he yells at me.
So I think I finally have hit my wall. I then tell him that I can't deal with this kind of sh*t anymore, and I want to separate. I then get out of my work clothes, take the dog and the kid and I left. I went to my parent's house. At first I didn't hear anything. We ate dinner, watched Jeopardy... all good. Then I started getting the angry texts. So I just didn't engage. At one point he tells me, "It's obvious you need some space, so give me some of my bonus money (he has no access to our household funds) and I'll leave. As tempting as it was to accept, I didn't text back. I felt that he was baiting me. He then proceeds to tell me that I have no idea if he is drunk or not... that He hasn't been drinking, and he is ALLOWED to be angry without being drunk. While it is true he is allowed to have his feelings, it's not OK to be yelling those feelings at me and disrupting the household. Not to mention that he could barely speak coherently, and was stumbling all over the place. But yea, he's not drinking. Whatever. He then texts me "Oh, don't forget to come home and eat that chicken!" That's when I finally texted back, "It can wait till tomorrow. We'll be home in a bit."
My thought is, he can't even remember the conversation about the sprinkler (he kept texting over and over how "The first words out of my mouth were negative about me eating that chicken")... how will he remember all that was said tonight? But I did say it, and I meant it. I want to separate. What I really want is to never live with him again. But baby steps.
Tomorrow should be interesting.
I am sorry this is so long... but I want others to see the crazy so that they know their brand of "crazy" is not unusual or that it's them... it is a day in the life of living with an active alcoholic.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
It doesnt have to be a day in the life of living with an alcoholic. It doesnt have to be this way. This is the insanity, all of it.
You cant control his insanity, you have no power but what about your insanity? I was so surprised to find out I was insane, I thought I was the sane one, the rational one but I wasnt. This guy, this disease is ruling your life. The disease is in charge and everyone is dancing to the tune.
Have a look at your post and think about how much you are focused on him, what hes doing, what hes done, how he feels, what he says, his lies, etc. I understand the obsession and for me it was fear based. I still regarded him as a 'normal' human who just needed my guidance and he had to get a grip.
You are not dealing with 'normal' your conversations with him are like you trying to bring ' normal' or healthy into your house and its bolted out the door long ago. Of course he turned the sprinklers on for no good reason, of course he ate the dinner, of course he had you up all night at the hospital. Hes the puppet master, that's the job of the active drinker in the family and this is it for good if you keep playing the game. This wont change until you accept that this is it right now, insane. Your husband is sick, he cant do rational thought or 'normal' or good behaviour. His thinking is disturbed and distorted and hes like a 3 yr old child, its all him, him , him.
You can change how your home and family life operate , read and study and commit to follow the instructions in the 'Detachment' leaflet. Detach from him, his behaviours, his thinking, his pain. It all belongs to him and always remember hes a master manipulator and a liar. I dont even mean that in a judgy way, alcoholism makes liars and cheats out of us all really. Look for the reasons inside you that are keeping you accepting unacceptable behaviour. Is this feeding your ego - It did for me, I got something out of being the care taker, the organised one, the fixer. Our self esteem plummets in this situation and the disease tricks us into feeling like we have got control of this. Think about your need to find the truth - what is it within you that feels this is so important? Are you still looking for a chink of evidence that he is ok and still the man you love? I did this and I understand how hard it is to face the stark truth of it. Hes not a bad person, hes sick and its your responsibility to assess this properly and accept this and then its all about you safe guarding yourself and your child from this disease. Let him go, hes on self destruct, you cant save him, hes on the path. Let him go, it may come to an end if you do. In the meantime, get your own house in order, think about your finances, think about your own time and own life, think about your main job as taking steps to improve your life and your sons. Thats your job. Your ah is a grown man and he needs to do what he needs to do and right now that is drink, drug, escape from his own pain. You dont have to live with it, you should under no circumstance suffer for it.
I really hope you get some peace, I honestly know how this feels and its not nice but grip on to this program and this will end, its all up to you.
Hugs, (((Posies))). It sure is crazy! I have experienced similar situations as well, pretty sure will experience them in the future. Since beginning my path to recovery I've started to also see the funny side of all the craziness - I mean, how absurd can people get! Lol. Recently had some good practice with crazy, and have seen first hand that things do get better and easier once I stopped reacting insanely to other people's insanity.
Hi P&P I agree with LC-- Responding to insanity or even taking it in, is extremely dangerous to my mental health. I really embraced "ACCEPTANCE" of the First 3 Steps early on, as well as detachment and my life and responses changed.
I still treated him with courtesy and respect (as is everyone's due) but I no longer rushed to hospitals, took charge of pills, spoke to doctors etc. Keeping the focus on myself reciting the serenity prayer and not engaging in the madness really improved my outlook and peace of mind.
(((PnP))) - I can so relate to what you wrote. I am sure this is the 'highlight reel' and if you wrote about each/every insane moment it would fill a full book. I truly arrived at recovery so wrapped up in what others were doing, thinking, saying and how crazy it was that I didn't even know or realize I could depart from the crazy train at any stop desired.
I also agree with El-Cee. My sponsor was so very, very helpful in guiding me to see that I had choices at each step of the chaos. I learned that when I came home, my drawers were messed up and it was clear someone was rifling around looking for pills, money, etc....it was absolutely pointless to confront. I wanted to be right and so did they....and they would lie or say anything to 'win'. When I stopped asking and just took action (put things back without a word), my actions spoke for me.
Same goes with the dinner - I can't tell you how many times I'd prepare food and expressly state it was for supper only to find it gone, half gone or picked through before I finished. My insanity was, "I am trying hard to make a normal dinner for us all to enjoy and 'they' ruined it." I took it personally when in reality, they were hungry or got the munchies and it was front/center and appealing.
It took a ton of step work and program work to accept what they do/say and how they act has nothing to do with me. It's about them, the disease and the insanity. It is in recovery that I've learned nothing I say or think or do will ever penetrate the insanity of the disease. My AH has decided that a pain pill addiction is the answer now since he can't drink like desired because of his heart health. What he doesn't know is I get an email each time his prescription is ready for pick up. This dates back to when he had his heart surgery and he's never changed the notifications....
Trust me when I say this is not really a better choice for him/his health. I know that, you know that and probably so does he at some level. Yet, I never ever bring it up because it's really not my business. If he wants to drink himself or drug himself daily until he dies, there is nothing I can do about it. If/when it begins to affect my life directly, then I'll have different choices to make. In your scenario above, I actually found relief when I arrived home and they were passed out/removed from my direct line of sight. I would do my thing and retire to another bedroom if necessary to avoid the disease/insanity.
My hope is you can be gentle with you today and just consider what can you do that's just for you or about you. Set your mind free, just for today of all thoughts of him, his choices, his disease, his health, etc. - Just for today. We deserve to be good to ourselves....do you - just you!
(((Hugs))) - lean into the program and trust the process. It really does work when we work it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sorry all of this is happening in your home. I recognized myself in my past. It was pre Alanon and in my case the doctors actually asked me to be the dispenser of meds. Like you, I gave my power away wanting to be a good and helpful wife. I was told the lies as well by my ex. The meds stopped disappearing when he began doctor shopping had multiple prescriptions which he dipped into daily while taking the prescribed amount that I was dispensing by orders of his doctor. I only learned the truth when he the crisis finally occurred and I was given his wallet by counselors when he entered rehab and found many doctors business cards. As you point out, you can smell alcohol, not so when it comes to pills.
You are so very lucky to have the Alanon program during this because it's an accelerated course toward sanity, serenity and ultimately solutions. I learned on my journey that many doctors either turned a blind eye and prescribed or were seemingly uneducated about addiction. My ex's issue was his back too. My ex's addiction was very financially lucrative one for those who took him on as their patient. He was prescribed a very high cost opiod which hit all his pain points literally and figuratively speaking. Upon questioning a sports medicine physician and asking if a mode of physical therapy might be available instead, I was shut down and told that pain was subjective and I couldn't know the degree of my husband's pain. Without Alanon, I backed off, questioned my own thinking and digressed to the "supposed" authority figure, a medical professional. I was also tired from having worn both the big girl and big boy pants simultaneously in my home for a long time. The Alanon program would have definately given me the tools to change my focus and care for myself. I do want to add that even after many years in this program, I find it hard to hold my exah completely responsible for how his addiction took hold. Some who take an oath not to harm, do so.
Sounds like you're making choices that honor yourself and your family. I know this is very sad and confusing time. It's difficult to not take the words and actions personally of those who are active in their disease but the words and actions are the outcome of their illness. Please don't think I'm excusing responsibility or consequences concerning the A. I'm not. And I realize facts don't change how it is to live with this. You sound level headed and are already taking steps that allow you to think about present and future choices. In my experience, keeping finances separate had one of the longest lasting benefits to my sanity. You've chosen safety and sanity by not being financially enmeshed in his addiction. His lack of recall concerning events and actions may be legitimate. He's on a mix of alcohol and drugs. In my home, given the kind of drugs, my ex did the things you described. I too had situations like you mentioned with your front lawn. My ex walked around and even drove in a sleepy and absentminded state of mind. I was so grateful to be relieved of guard duty by finding Alanon.
I hope the responses here help you to feel a little less alone. There are so many many good people under the disease of alcoholism and addiction. There's so much variation from one person to the other in how and if they stay well. Please keep coming back to share with us and stay well through all of this. Prayers coming your way for the well-being of your family - sanity and sobriety. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I have been through the pills and alcohol with my ex-bf. I was really shocked how often he would go through detox and get out of the hospital with prescriptions for medications. We were not married so I could not speak to his doctors. When they have a history of drug abuse along with the alcohol the only way I could handle it was to take the medications away. It can be really scary, it was for me anyways. Doctors do not realize that even an antidepressant can be abused. I would be surprised just how many pills my ex could actually take. He would call me up in the middle of the night acting all strange, and there were times I called the police to check on him.
Most doctors don't have a clear understanding of what addiction is .. My ex sdad had a Dr who lived next door and would write him scripts outside his house. Yea.. No issue with that at all. The Dr was young apparently healthy come to find out had a pill addiction himself .. Dropped dead one day out of the blue. My mom and exsd divorced and he dated the young widow .. Didn't last .. I found the whole situation bizarre. Anyways .. I don't think Drs should be writing scripts on pills they don't know about .. That should be left to a discussion between the pharmacist and Dr to sort out and know the facts about the pills. Just my opinion and experience since it was a general family Dr helped create the issue with the pills my x was addicted to. Sigh .. It's just an awful disease.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
At first I was thinking to myself, why can't I react to these things? My AH is a complete asshat! But then I re-read my post and it is true, my life revolves around which husband I will have on any given day.
el-cee - You are right! I am trying to interject some normalcy to my life. And i am still trying to believe he is "normal" despite all the crazy-ass stuff he says and does. Even though I am working on detaching, I always seem to get drawn back in b/c he is constantly telling me he isn't drinking and that I am crazy and non-supportive for not believing him when he says he hasn't been drinking. Even though I have accepted he is back into addiction, I am not accepting that he will ALWAYS do what an addict does. I must say, it wasn't about the chicken he ate... it was that he lied to my face several times... even calling me names or not automatically believing his story. I think that is what I am stuck on now.
So if I focus on understanding that he is now an addict, (despite what he believes)and will do what addicts do, all the time, then stuff like this won't dumbfound me. I have to learn to not engage!! I know my motives... I am scared to be on my own and poor. I mean, I have a teen...who constantly seems to need things for school, band etc. I know that if my son wasn't a factor, i would've walked a long time ago. Your sentence about my AH acting like a 3 yr. old is spot on!
Hotrod - you know, I am stuck on Step 2. I ACCEPT that this is happening... again. But I find it beyond belief that my higher power would let this happen to me again. I actually have some form of PTSD over the last stint with AH & addiction (meth). So why, oh why would God do this to me again? What's his/her endgame? Since I was a member of Al-anon last time, I was on pretty good terms with my HP. Now I just feel abandoned.
Iamhere - I wish I had my own room to retreat to! Sometimes I am jealous of my son and his ability to go in his room and shut it all out. But I see the wisdom in your words. It IS all about them. I think I need to create a mantra for myself that reminds me of that!
tiredtonight - thank you for your ESH. I have no doubt that my AH's forgetfulness is legit. It is the result of too many drugs years ago, and now too much booze.
The sad thing is, he's still stuck on thinking that the argument was about eating the chicken... he does not realize it was about the lying... just one day after lying about going through my drawers for the pills. I feel like asking him,
"Did you ever think to not lie, but to just say, 'I couldn't wait for dinner, so I ate my part early?" Hmmm? But I am beginning to realize that he is incapable of rational thought.
Thank you, everyone, for all your support.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I have learned through my own alanon experience that I have gradually tolerated worse and worse unacceptable behaviour from my AH, such that it had become the new 'norm'. The only way I can break free from this is by focusing on me and my children and our wellbeing. My husband is sick - I cannot rely on anything or expect anything from him. If he crosses one of my boundaries I now just simply state it when he is sober and then let it go. There is no point on musing on the whys and ifs of it all - that just sucks my own energy. Last night at my alanon meeting we talked about having our feelings validated and it occurred to me that this is what I had been expecting / hoping for from my AH - but in reality he is in no place to do that as his disease means the focus is all on him. The continual lies are all part of the disease - he probably doesn't know anymore the difference between truth and lying, so it is pointless for me to hope that he will suddenly morph into someone who cares about me and who will be truthful. Love and hugs.
Hi (((PnP))) Reading your share I thought to myself: Who, What, When, Where and How and my answer would be Who (God) What (Grant me the Serenity) When (I Accept the Things I cannot change) Where (Al-anon F2F and MIP) and How ( find the courage to change the things you can and have the Wisdom to know the difference). Please keep coming back !!! Sorry you are going through this again, alcoholism tends to attract us again and again.
