The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the sharpest blades of alcoholism both mine and others, is embarrassment.
I know we can't control others, but how exactly do you avoid being tarred with the same brush as loved ones? I've had a lifetime of defending sick alcoholics and I'm done with it now. How do you brush off the gossipers? Without inviting further conversation or jadeing.
'What others think of me is none of my business' This helped set me free. Along with understanding that people opinions, judgements, need to gossip or talk about me really belongs to them and actually is rarely about me. Its bad behaviour that I have no power over, its ignorance that I have no power over, its their own fears that I have no power over.
I think this world is filled up to the brim with insanity, sick thinkers. Alcoholism runs so deep generation to generation and it doesnt always manifest in drink but the disease is there anyway.
This knowledge or acceptance means that no one really is in a place to make a proper, informed assessment or judgement of me, my choices, my behaviour. No-one, only me and I do enough work to know whats wrong with me and my family, so anyone else's views are pretty much coming from very little knowledge, evidence or understanding. If I expect this from others than its my faulty thinking.
How can anyone possibly know me or my family as well as I do so their opinions viewpoints etc are not based on hard facts or truth so I say let them go for it, 'fill your boots with all the gossip you want, hope you enjoy it and I also hope one day you get some spirituality in your life and self awareness to learn that you have never ever been in the position to judge anyone else.'
Not sure I answered your question there but my family have been in the local papers due to drunken events and I remember before Alanon wanting to curl up and die and I walked with my head down. After Alanon, I got a bit angry and thought, go ahead, I hope someone says something to me about this, I dare them, I would have bit their head off. Now, Im detached enough I cant possibly be responsible for anyone's choices, behaviours, consequences. I just say 'I dont really know whats going on, ask them.'
I worried about being in the papers because he would do something stupid. I just came to an acceptance of what he did or didn't do was just not about me. I found out a few years after we separated he was known as crazy drunk JB and that shocked me actually because I figured the DUI club didn't realize how bad he was. It's not a reflection of me what he does. Hugs ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
HI A41 I did have a difficult time with this when my son 's alcoholism was at the worst. He would drive to my brother's and sister house or to one of his neighbors, make a scene and they would call me as to what to do.i too became tired of explaining or apologizing so I would simply say,"ask him to leave' he has a terrible disease.
Because I had worked the program and accepted the first step I refused to feel guilty for his actions-- I know others blamed me but again I was powerless over them and I needed to continue to work the steps to remove my defects so I could let go and let God. It worked I did not feel guilty then nor do I today.
Asset and gratitude lists helped as well as refusing to gossip or talk about him.
You are a supportive friend and mom remind yourself of your assets.
I arrived at recovery full of negative emotions - shame, embarrassment and guilt were in the mix. There was a part of me that did believe the actions of others (esp. my sons) were a reflection on me. I even was a person who had that crazy concept that bad behaving children/teens were so because of poor parenting. This actually 'ate me up' a bit as I really, really did all that I could to be a kind, loving, teaching mother. I followed laws, rules, helped others and set a good example of kindness, hard-working, god-loving, etc.
When I got to Al-Anon, and heard that I was not responsible for the choices, actions, disease in others a part of me had the "Yeah....but" thinking. It was a process to be able to let go of all of this (EGO) and allow them to be who they are and me to focus on me.
I have always been a direct person. I have no issue with confrontation when it is necessary nor do I have any issue standing up for what's right. Before recovery, I lacked tact, diplomacy and basic respect that others might have a different perception of what's right. It is in recovery that I learned literally that 1-6=7, 2+5=7, 3+4=7 and 7+0=7 - the simple point - the path to the right answer can be very different and all are right.
I tend to literally say, that has nothing to do with me - how did we get here in our discussion? I am amazed that there are great people who have habits of gossip and are not even aware - no malicious intent. Then, there are others who live/die by gossip and never process their intent. I want to be in a whole other group - the one that shuts it down completely esp. if one is not present to defend self or to just walk away as it has nothing to do with me/my life.
As a child, I was taught to present publicly the 'perfect family'. Church on Sunday, lined up in a pew, proper attire, mouths closed, hands folded, etc. It felt awkward and fake yet speaking that out loud in my family would have resulted in consequences. I learned early in life to judge books by their cover and criticize others for their failing/mistakes. It never felt good in my heart for as long as I can remember, yet because it's what I learned, I adopted the habits/practice.
It's a lifetime of practicing recovery that has helped me change some of this. The art of listening has shown me that we are all human and there is real pain, bad decisions, imperfections, etc. and it's OK - we were made this way! I try to celebrate the differences, hang with the winners and just do the next right thing each day. I have a wicked side-eye and have thrown it a few times when I've walked upon gossip in recovery settings. I came upon 3 women in the lobby of a meeting one time who were making fun of another gals outfit. It angered me and I just simply said, This conversation is making me uncomfortable and isn't very program-like. They were silenced and I am sure their discussion then turned towards me....I'm OK with that because of recovery.
I truly need to surround myself with others who are working to be better versions of self. I prefer to be around people who allow others to have a bad moment or a bad day, and pray for them instead of gossip about them. I know of 4 family members going through the court process currently, and I pray for them all. This disease combined with poor judgement is what's at fault - they are not faulty. I know about all of them because my entire family and circle of friends knows I am never one to overshare about anything - I'm a great secret-keeper or confidant....
I pray often for those who can not help themselves from focusing on others. Constantly living, looking and worrying about what others are doing, saying and the like is exhausting and maddening - I can speak to that based on my experience. When Al-Anon told me there is great peace in focusing on self instead, I found it to be freeing and oh so true. My go-to of Bless Them, Change Me pops often into my head in these types of situations.
Just my ESH....as with all things, take what you like and leave the rest....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Elcee my first thoughts when i read your replies were " god i love this recovery sister of mine". Weve made the papers too, and these days with social media, everyones a media outlet. Its frankly gross. I am an open person but i cringe when people anywhere are self exploited at their most vulnerable, like being sick with alcoholism. So for years I appointed myself as chief defender of the drunks, criminals, downtrodden, always looking for the reason. God I even began a social work degree ( not completed, nor will it be, because it's too convoluted a field for me). Then I guess somewhere, midway through this recovery, when I was all anti everyone, I lost every inch of that soft heartedness, and now I'm settling on a middle.
I know its a weak point for me, when people of my own culture and family, which is utterly mired in this disease, try to create drama by using other peoples alcoholism as a distraction from their own crap. I do not wish to be drawn in, and realistically, by deciding to rekindle family relationships, this is something I'm going to encounter. I don't want to engage basically. So thankyou for all sharing what works for you. Also, there's nothing to be ashamed of, at all, really is there? People suffer from this disease. It really is a disease. We don't ridicule chemo survivors for not having hair, nor is it good form to mock the disabled. Rightfully. Thank you all.
