The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I'm realizing more how the alcoholism in my extended family has impacted my life more than I realized. I had actually considered attending Al-Anon years ago because a few things were stuck in my craw in regards to these relatives. But at the time life was looking up, I had plenty of excuses to maintain distance from the family and my AS's drinking was totally normal (haha). So I never pursued it.
I guess what's surprising to me is how much you can still be affected even when you aren't around those who are abusing. I grew up with my mother and two younger sisters next door to my grandparents. I had several aunts and uncles and a truckload of cousins. As far as I know my mother and grandparents were the only people who weren't abusing. I'm nearly forty and I'm still grateful that I was sheltered from the hell that some of my cousins were exposed to. But, my mother and grandmother, I think, maybe were scared by how prevalent the disease was and leaned on me hard to guide me away from getting on that path. So, while my cousins, aunts and uncles struggled with the nastiness of the A, I would be sat down and yelled at for hours by my perfectly sober grandma. It could be a minor infraction or nothing at all. Looking back now I think she was a lady who's entire life had been undermined by alcohol. So if there was one kid she could "save" she was going to give it her all. My mother had learned to stay quiet and hide so never stepped in. It doesn't sound like a big deal but it was relentless.
As us kids started hitting adolescence, substance abuse and alcoholism started rearing it's head in the younger generation. But some of the adults started to clean up. Obviously life improved greatly for the family, but, being addicts some seemed to simply trade drugs and alcohol for extreme religion.
The pressure started young, kept increasing and I guess I learned to keep it up even after I left home. Do well in school, be normal, be a Christian (but not one of THOSE Christians), never drink, etc. I got mixed messages that family was all important but don't be like your family. My cousins, who were like my brothers, started drinking young. It was obvious even as kids that they were brilliant. I'm no dummy but I've had to struggle through school. They could run circles around me intellectually. They were extremely smart and charismatic but were also pretty broken in many ways.
We seemed to end up with as mixed outcomes as our parents. Some are still drinking/drugging, some struggle with mental illness,TBI and one died when we were still kids. A handful of us left the area, my sisters included, and we are doing well. But a few years ago I started having increased anxiety and irrational fears of losing everything, of not deserving my successes, that someone will realize I don't belong. And this weird guilt that I didn't have a way to help my family get out and lead a different life. I can barely even visit because I can't stand seeing them dying. Some will send me messages, when drunk or delusional, wanting to talk and I cut it short. I've learned that even the most benign conversation can turn sour quickly. There's no way to win. You either break almost all contact or you engage and get sucked into this twisted reality.
I love these people. And even though I know they are sick their love for me is apparent. They are even proud of what I've done which kind of makes me feel worse. Is this what they call survivor's guilt?
Hi WestMan thank you for the in depth introduction. As you have found Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, dreadful disease over which we are powerless. It is evident that your family and yourself experienced many of the painful realities of the disease. There is hope and help.
Al-Anon is a recovery program that was set up for members who have lived with or live with the disease of alcoholism. The reason for this is that by living with the disease we develop negative coping tools that hinder us in our everyday interactions. Irrational fear and dread is one of them, of which you spoke, as well as living in the future or the past, carrying, around anger, resentment, self-pity and fear and guilt
Attending Al-Anon meetings, working the steps, using the slogans and learning to keep the focus on ourselves, helps to restore our self-esteem and self-worth while we develop new and constructive tools to live life.It is grand that you love your family. Al-Anon will just give you the tools that will help you love yourself as well.
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and I do hope you will attend. Keep coming back here there is help and hope.
I'm very sorry your life has been touched by this terrible disease. I cannot personally say I have experienced the survivor's guilt you described, but I have certainly felt plenty of guilt related to As in my life. In Alanon I learned the three Cs: I didn't Cause the disease, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it. Alcoholism is destructive to all affected, but in Alanon we learn how to get better. Hugs, (((WestMan)))
Welcome Westman, your share touches me. It is a very accurate panoramic shot of alcoholism the family disease, whom none are left unaffected by. It shapes the shapers , I believe. And if were lucky, we come to examine the structures and make conscious choices about what stays and what goes, what needs tweaking and what simply is.
In family dynamics of alcoholism, powerlessness and control are key aspects I believe on the alanon side. Feeling powerless, before a program, the response urge is to control, many guises. Within a recovery program, I have learned, is accepting what I truly can't change, braving out what can be, and learning the difference between the two: the serenity prayer in effect.
For some reason your post makes me sad. I get the sense of touching loved ones through a two way mirror, and I so know that feeling.
Keep coming back.
Welcome Westman - sorry for the pain this disease has brought your life. While the disease touches each of us in different ways, we often find support and commonality in the feelings we feel and the damage to self. I do hope you seek out local meetings and attend - for me, only in recovery did I find peace with me and the ability to remember fondly those lost. For those still walking this earth, I am learned compassion and how to detach with love.
It's a process and we focus on progress - never perfection. I wish I had found Al-Anon sooner, but am serene today with my program and my life. Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
If I were to make an analogy it would be like the entire family was inside of a burning house. Some of us ran out of the house and others didn't/couldn't. It's painful to watch from the outside.
WestMan It is indeed painful to watch from the outside. Alanon gave me the tools to be grateful that I was able to finally "see", do the hard work and "Run out "before I was destroyed.
I can offer these same tools to those still n the burning house and pray that they accept them and can also demonstrate these principles while interacting with them in a positive supportive manner.
