The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been quite a week and I can't find my C2C book so I thought I would read from One Day at a Time.
Today' reading is about Selfish Vs Selfness and it can be applied to how we live our lives and participate in the program.
I love the old adage you get back what you give to others. That is so true for me and my life .. when I am sharing and reading others stories I am getting so much more than I am giving. Being able to keep an open mind is a big deal for me and that's a drop of what Alanon has given to me compared to what I give back. Am I selfish because I am taking care of me instead of doing what I "should be" doing.
Alcoholism is a selfish disease it takes and takes with self seeking motives to give in return very little in return if anything at all except the expectation of things might be different. As a loved one I want to believe what it's telling me because that's my easy button it puts all of the responsibility of "you said" right on the A and allows me to have my tantrum about life isn't fair.
My side of the coin was I thrived on this behavior because it made my XAH "wrong".
Recovery is selfish or is it? I mean the reading refers to selfless .. and that is true. Selfish is like saying conflict or consequences because both have their positive sides. Conflict can resolve issues. Conflict doesn't equal screaming, tantrums and so on .. conflict can be resolved without a voice ever being raised. Consequences are both good and not so good, they are directly related to the choices I make. Being selfish how am I different than the A .. which in some ways my behavior is not. Selfless to me is part of self care. It's not just about me and my wants it is about others and how I can be part of something bigger. When I started doing self care people in my life took every opportunity to tell me how selfish I was being. I guess because I really don't care what other people think/thought and I came from a place of "after all the years I had given" in my mind .. I was completely ok with that statement. I was going to do for me.
One of the first things I was asked to do in Alanon was to participate in cleaning up after a meeting which seems like a no brainer, however it became something I enjoyed doing vs having to do. I HAD to take care of the kids and my XAH .. it wasn't from a place of I want to so I had to learn to give my martyr mantle in order to start doing differently. It also gave me a sense of purpose and accomplishment because it allowed me to see I was capable because trust me I was not capable at home. Under the deluge of depression, anxiety and fear I was literally living a fight or flight mode and that is so horribly hard on a person. It is a joy sucker. Service work in Alanon gave that back to me.
Learning to work at a team, ask for help, understand my short comings .. LOL .. these were just a few of the things I learned to do and I did make some mistakes .. LOL .. it was ok.
I am so glad for the opportunity to learn how to work with others because before Alanon .. I did not have a clue .. it opened the door for me to many different things in my life in terms of people and experiences. It helped me understand others better, it bled into other aspects of my life .. such as friendships, work relationships and so on .. I got to work with some very difficult people and survived in spite of them because I learned that not everyone thought like me.
So if recovery is selfish I'm really ok with that because it has helped me use different tools in my everyday life. I do like to think that my ability to take care of me is part of the healing aspect and someone recently said out put without input equals kaput .. I love that because it's very true. I am investing into me.
Hugs all didn't mean to get so long winded :) S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks Serenity
One thing I have noticed is that after immersing myself in the more selfish aspects of recovery for a while and learning to treat myself with more kindness and understanding, I am starting to find it much easier to be giving with my time, effort and resources.....in a constructive way and not a destructive, martyring way like I did in "the old days". I think it's largely because I am no longer so low in confidence that I am sure that anything I try to do or contribute is wrong and going to humiliate me. You mention packing up after meetings....yikes, I used to fret over even this small action (I'm sure the chairs aren't supposed to be stacked like this, I bet I'm doing it wrong, people probably think I'm a weirdo just packing stuff up and not talking to anyone) lol. I really have needed to do quite a lot of healing and learn a lot of self-acceptance to get to a place where I can re-learn how to be giving. Do your own oxygen mask first kinda thing.
Thanks for this reading, and your service!!!
Thank you Serenity for your service, the daily and your ESH. I believe there is unhealthy and healthy levels of selfishness and selflessness. The word I mention next - balance - is one that has baffled me for a long, long time....
I finally in Al-Anon have come to accept, believe and strive to put me first. Not so that I come out 'ahead' or 'above' but so that I can be of service to others in a pure, graceful way. Helping others when I am not 'well' can bring up the keeping score and expectations way of BR (Before Recovery). The best way for me to be of service to others is to be aligned spiritually with my own program as best as I possibly can.
I've had a trying week and the disease has been active all around me. Countless times, the old habits raised up because I still have practiced them longer than my recovery habits. Yet, the practice of the pause kept me able to use our program, tools, sponsor, etc. to reverse my unhealthy thinking and align spiritually. I need to be constantly reminded that I can be as selfish, self-centered, self-seeking and self-serving as those I interface with most of all.
I am reminded that - for me - my best possibly attempt at success one day at a time is by practicing these principles in all my affairs. At this morning's meeting, which I arrived for later than desired, we had an overflowing crowd. It's a regular meeting and I love my family there. There were no seats left so 8 of us went to another room to have a second meeting. More were welcome - but they (like I) prefer the family in the larger room.
I have had several nights in a row of disrupted sleep and (thank you Al-Anon) I know this makes me more reactive and emotional if I am not on guard. I was asked to lead the meeting and it was an awesome meeting. We had 4 with long-term recovery and 4 that were newer to recovery. We talked about loneliness, finding fellowship, service work - basically...how to fill up your life in recovery.
My lesson for this morning is that I have opportunities each moment of each day to be selfless or selfish. Each time I consider the next right thing, I feel much more serene when I choose the selfless path. Grateful, grateful - extremely grateful for recovery, MIP and my recovery family!
We've had rain for 3 days - our whole state is a swamp land.....so - golf and softball have all been rained out for today! I am grateful for the gift of time back to me to be gentle with me and relax! Make it a great day!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for ODAT and for your service Serenity. When I first started recovery in Al-Anon I couldn't even take care of myself. One Day at a Time was relearning how to equally balance mealtime, bedtime, work time and leisure time ( you know that F word Fun time ). In reality not caring for myself was very selfish as I was at that time very dependent on others and certainty not as productive as I led myself to believe. Al-Anon gently showed me how to be self-reliant and progress daily instead of constantly trying to be perfect and failing.
Dear Serenity Thanks for your service. I never realized how truly "selfish" my actions were until alanon asked me to"examine my motives" It was then that I found that most of my actions had a hidden agenda such: as If I do this then you should do that, If i give this then you must reciprocate. These expectations and my hidden agendas were what caused great problems in my.life.
Learning how to give without expectations has been such a gift and i appreciate alanon's principles for allowing me to relearn many of my coping tools.
Hope your day was lovely
