The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am just stuck with 1 particular situation in my life with my AH and that is how he stays out late after work drinking every single night. The hours are getting longer too. He's sitting at his workplace drinking with his friends between 3-5 hours a night and often finds some excuse to go drink with them even on his days off too. We have been round and round about this. I've offered him free reign of the tv, he can drink as much as he wants, bring his friends if he wants and me and the kids will make ourselves "scarce" all in an effort to at least get him to drink at home. Nothing doing. He wants to drink out with his friends, at his workplace, and I've heard rumors that that's not the only thing going on there either.
So I have been racking my brain trying to find some way to detach from this, let it go and do something for me and I just can't figure out any way to be ok with this situation. I'm just NOT OK with him doing these things. I can't go out and do something for myself during that time bc I have kids who need to be in bed for school. (Also it's extremely hard to do any self-care when I am pretty much solely responsible for the children because someone has to be the adult here) and I have no family around at all to help. I've been able to get a babysitter exactly TWICE this whole year. Makes it really hard to do any self-care at all bc I'm always caring for my little peeps and usually alone even though I'm married.
I did tell him that since he chooses to be out drinking instead of helping me raise our kids I will be hiring a mom's helper and he can pay for it. But I still don't think that will be enough to make me ok with this.
I did find out there are al anon meetings in my town and as soon as my custody schedule changes, I'll be going. But right now it's not an option because of which night they are held on. I attend the online meetings when I can.
As you can tell I'm very resentful of this situation and am not having much luck trying to figure out how to be ok with it and detach from it. I know I could leave him but that really doesn't help! Then my kids would see him even less, we would be extremely poor and meanwhile he's still off partying like it's 1999 and suffering no consequences at all (while me and my kids go without).
I feel angry all the time and like there's never any outlet for me to release that anger and to have some fun myself since he gets all the fun apparently.
If you are still reading, thanks!
Been there done that and I'm sooo sorry that you are dealing with this in the midst of parenting children.
I remember feeling so angry all of the time that he got to do what he wanted to do and I was the "responsible" one in my case that was debatable .. lol.
This is NOT a reasonable situation and it IS ok to feel how you feel .. it's a feeling not a fact and part of processing is dealing with the appropriate feelings that go with unreasonable situations.
I like the idea of you getting some help so you can do some self care .. I like that you are finding ways to get to meetings .. it's not about being ok with someone who is not present .. it is about not reacting to the diseased situation with more dysfunction if that makes any sense. Being "ok" with neglecting responsibilities and stuff I don't think that's what Alanon is about .. it's teaching me to have a voice in an unreasonable situation and doing what is best for me so I can function on a higher level and be productive without allowing the disease to consume me.
I found out that I would rather be poor than deal with that situation for me it was the "other stuff" that became to much. I'm ok with that decision by the way, and you may find ways to navigate yours while being healthy and well. That to me is what alanon is about .. teaching me not to ignore the unhealthy behavior .. not react to it. Alanon also showed me that I have choices I didn't think I had. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Addicts have a disease .. however they are still responsible for the consequences of those actions while in or out of the diseased thinking. It's no different than me. I have choices and I have direct consequences of said choices .. good, bad or indifferent .. it is what it is.
When I learned how to take care of my own needs what he was or wasn't doing became easier to deal with .. for me though that meant leaving and it took me a while to get there and that's ok.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm sending you hugs, (((Jayla))). Attending meetings and reading Alanon literature does help, and clarity comes in time, and with it peace of mind. Alanon program suggests to focus on ourselves to gain serenity, and this has proven so true for me! I used to be filled with resentment, anger ALL THE TIME, to the point where I would have panic attacks and experienced some kind of three-week weakness in body and spirit - doctors could find nothing wrong with me, but I felt as weak and miserable as a dying centenarian or something... I'm 28, btw :D
What helps me most to deflect the thoughts of being resentful, angry, hurt by my qualifier is the thought - these feelings will only make me unhappy and even physically ill, if I let myself be overcome by them. I choose to Let Go and Let God. I want to be healthy and happy! I'm far from perfection, but there's undeniable progress, for which I'm very grateful to the program.
I wish you and your children all the best. Take care and try to make it to face to face meetings.
((Jayla)) I so understand and am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. When the children were in school, Yoga classes, meetings meditation all helped me when I was in the same situation. Good news - this too shall pass.
I have been here too, without the kids though. I sat home by myself and read a lot of books. Being around other people drinking is like an addiction of its own. Alcoholic relationships can be very lonely. I wish, I was involved with Alanon awhile ago. I cannot go to face to face meetings right now but the online meetings are good.
Hi jayla, I just want to say I totally sympathize. I am in the same situation, I have a two and a half year old daughter and I do all the work - my AH goes to bars after work and gets home whenever he wants - sometimes at 3-4 am. The weekends are even worse because he sleeps almost all weekend to make up for partying all week. I never get a rest or to sleep in, etc. It's frustrating and I relate to feeling trapped and angry! For me, I just started to let go of the whole thing. Not asking when he is leaving work, wasting my time texting him, getting caught up on whether or not he was making up an excuse to go out. Sometimes he calls or texts with excuses and I just don't engage. I try and make my night about me, make a dinner I enjoy, each shows I like, work on projects for myself and also get to bed at a good time so I have the energy to deal. I have drifted from my husband a lot but I have a lot of peace in his absence now, I feel ok that he's not home. I try and think about how I need to be strong for my daughter more than ever and freedom will come as she gets a bit older as well. Good luck, I know it's hard. Sometimes my marriage feels very hollowed out. F2f meetings do help as well.
Hello Jayla and welcome to MIP. Like those who shared ESH before me, I can truly relate to your situation as I too experienced much the same. My children were young when my RAH was in active alcoholism. We saw very little of him as he worked 13 hrs a day and drank from quitting time until 1 or 2 in the morning and the rest was sleep. He had a good job and was high functioning until the disease caught up with him.things changed. I too was not only resentful but also worried constantly about his driving an hour home. I do was afraid to change the situation because I only worked part-time. As the disease progressed his behavior became more unacceptable and expensive and my health became worse due to my anxiety. Luckily my Dr recommended al-anon for me. I started attending and learning how to focus more on me and how to set boundaries. I started saving some money, filed for separation to obtain alimony and child supporr. Long story short, when I started working on me and my AH started suffering the consequences from his drinking alone he opted to choose sobriety. This doesn't always happen, everyone's situation is different. Al-anon is for those affected by another's drinking, for me it was/is a life saver, please Keep Coming Back
-- Edited by Stan1 on Saturday 29th of April 2017 01:30:33 PM
So much good ESH here. Thank you everyone who took time to reply. My AH is quite functional too for the most part but it seems lately his disease is kicking into overdrive. His personality seems to be changing into someone I never knew, he's hateful and emotionally abusive now when he's drunk, he lies and hides things, etc etc. to protect myself I told him I will not listen to him anymore when he's drunk no matter how much he "wants to tell me something." I will be going to another room and putting on music if that's what it takes. He's becoming such a Jekyll and Hyde personality I don't know which one to believe. I guess when the pain of where I am outweighs the pain of where I might be, I will act (someone on this board said that). But I appreciate the reassurance that my feelings are normal and it's the situation that's not. I've been feeling like I'm not "al anoning" good enough because I can't be ok with his behavior.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and yes .. it will get worse sometimes it get gets worse before it gets better and sometimes it just gets worse.
That's why Alanon is all about taking the focus off of trying to fix, manage, and control the other person and start with what can change which is me.
No one alanon's perfectly .. LOL .. some days it's great some days no so much .. LOL .. I have had moments I throw my program out the window because I need to basically start over with it .. that's my personality and what works for me .. I now try to do so without having the collateral damage being my loved ones that's a step in the right direction that is alanoning good for me.
Asking questions, learning what works and what doesn't .. behaving in a healthier manner helps ..
If you are having a hard time making meetings I REALLY encourage anyone to listen to the podcasts/youtube of recovery shows that have alanon speakers .. it helps .. because hearing the voice of what works, how they made it through and how they survived is wonderful .. it's a true testament of how alanon works. If you don't have that book that is the one book I HIGHLY recommend it's a wonderful information packed and reading it only once as a book study is NOT enough.
Everything you are describing is a slide further into the disease .. my part is loving someone to death because I keep my loved one from suffering direct personal consequences of what the disease really has to offer.
There are 4 ways out of addiction .. find another enabler, get sober, get institutionalized (jail or psych ward), or a body bag because it is a ruthless disease. That is why it's incredibly important to take the focus off of the A and get it where it belongs .. you and your kids .. they need you .. and they deserve for you to be present with them .. that is MY one horrible regret is my unavailability because I was to busy singing the hims.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you Serenity for that. I have been listening to the YouTube speakers so I will keep doing that. And someone else mentioned the how al anon works book too. I need to get that! It's sad to have my suspicions confirmed that these crazy behaviors are him getting closer to the end. But it does help to know that to realize that it really does need to be all about me and my kids. Thanks for the reminder to be present for them instead of consumed with alcoholic craziness. Sometimes I'm not the most present because I'm trying so hard to find some comfort for myself. Thanks for your ESH.
Oh God I remember those weeks,months, years and they sucked. Big big hugs hon. Its really not about you, helped me to detach. It was very hard not to take it personally. Another thing I did was to write down everything I did in a day when I had time. It sounds to me like he knows he holds financial power and that you aren't going to leave. So he's given himself free reign to do whatever he wants. Which is not very nice for you or the kids, soul crushing is how I remember it and still remind myself as it's only been a few months. Ok so you stay. Can you invest in yourself while you stay? Short courses? Occasional care for the kids? One or two days childcare to give you a break? Its hard hard hard to do/feel/see anything when you're tired and never get a break. You have to find a way to get you that mental space to heal. I also started practicing self care. Clothing, make up, shoes, perfume, things that made me feel together. Three under 3 at one stage and one special needs,man my head heart and spirit were all scattered everywhere. I did not feel together, but dressing as if I were helped me fake it till I make it. The plus side of those God awful sleep deprived depressing messy years, was that once the special ed one started school, the load lightened and gratitude flowed simply from that bit of breathing room, years of not having it really sows appreciation when it arrives. Its like a window opening. Journalling too. Its hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes. See yourself in your life. All that you give and all that you dreamed and all that you do. Realising our own value first and foremost, very powerful. Good decisions come from places of strength, there is great strength in this program and its steps.
A4l you are soooooooo right on. He thinks he can do whatever he wants to me because so far, he has. I did ask him to leave once but I couldn't stick to it. So he really thinks he holds all the cards. I definitely think it's a good time to start doing things for myself. I talked to a friend today about being a mom's helper so I can get a break and she is on board! I won't know what to do with any free time for myself but I am ready to find out. Thanks for your ESH.
