The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Truly I am grateful for the Alanon program because what I say and think are two totally different things. I'm sure if you are on facebook going around at the moment is the little thing about the texting where it's he says .. then she says .. and there's a lot of deleting and unsaid comments .. then the appropriate comment then comes out .. LOL .. welcome to the inside of my head.
How I know I have grown .. I had to laugh because what happens on the inside of my head pretty much I'm probably the Medusa of thoughts the infamous question what's wrong you can tell me .. no .. no .. seriously I can't because it would not be nice and while I am direct sometimes blunt I like to at least believe I'm a nice person. Well .. LOL .. that would depend on who you asked of course .. I have gotten better. At least no one is being turned directly to stone.
This was a conversation I was recently having in terms of honoring my feelings .. I am like a kid on a bike with training wheels and just trying to figure out what I am feeling let alone someone asking me what is wrong is like asking me to decorate a wedding cake. I have never done it before .. I'm sure I could eventually although it would take time and practice I would not be doing one for this Saturday .. LOL.
So asking me why I am upset, .. IF I am upset, .. following me around asking me what is wrong .. probably Medusa is brewing and going to come out to play. I don't know. I know I need space. I know when I am ready I am willing to talk about it. I honestly don't know what I'm feeling or what is wrong.
I have to figure out if it's just me and my issue .. if it's a "real" issue or reaction from the past .. or if it's a deal breaker in terms of it's actually an issue for any relationship I am involved in and this is with my kids, friends and my romantic interest.
It's just funny to me that some people can't just allow that to be ok. There has to be an immediate answer and sometimes the immediate answer is I just need to go for a walk, get in touch with me for a bit and figure out what I am really feeling. It took me 40 years to identify the fact I have more than one feeling .. and I knew what to do with that .. LOL .. get rid of it .. it's taken me another few years to figure out you mean I have to deal with more than one?! That was a shocker .. lol.
Anyway, I had a good laugh at myself over an incident a couple days ago and no one went up in flames (it actually involved gasoline .. LOL) or turned to stone and that was a good thing.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I can relate. I used to just always portray 'happy' to the world around me. Most people never knew I was struggling with a low self image, that I had no idea that I was even angry and had so much fear inside of me. I did such a good job of portraying 'happy' that even I started to believe it.
Technically, I'm not a sold out optimist but most people thought I was. I am probably more of a positive realist but I can see negative and accept that life isn't all roses and puppy dogs and rainbows with unicorns.
Some of what you're talking about, like when someone needs an answer right away, is them addressing their own anxiety. They don't feel OK and they need you to respond to make things OK so that they, themselves, can work through their own thoughts and the interactions between you. I know that I get anxious if I'm waiting on an answer from someone and my fear gets a hold of me and I just have that feeling of, "dammit....I need to know....and I need to know now." Geez, I can get this way over stupid stuff like, "What do you want me to cook for dinner?" I live with a timetable and a schedule in my head. I get anxious when I don't get my answers in time because I mentally block out time to address these things in my day.
I feel the same as you, though. Identifying my feelings has become easier once I learned that my initial response, say responding tersely or with a short jab in anger, isn't my initial feeling. There is always another feeling underneath it that drives my anger, frustration, or resentments. It's almost always fear. For someone else, though, it might be a completely different thing but, for me, I laugh when I'm afraid and I get mad when I'm in fear and I get flustered when I'm experiencing fear, etc.
Hugs lady! Thanks so much for sharing!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I can relate as well.......in my home, the phrase, "What's wrong with you?" is often a sign that I am 'different'.....and need to do some inward assessment. For me, 99% of the time, I know that I am tired and I also know for me I am not always the positive Patty when I process tired. I've been working really, really hard at good sleep/rest because I see now (in recovery) a huge return on that investment.
Almost all emotions in me still want to bubble outward as anger. It's my go-to, always has been yet it's gotten so much better than it used to be. So - I have an actual physical 'change' - heat rising - that helps me know I need to step away and collect my thoughts. It's so funny you posted this - one of my sons made a really stupid choice a couple of days ago that was unexpected and caught me way off guard. I was able to not react and honestly am still processing.
He asked me a question today, and when I was reluctant to answer, he pushed. I calmly stated that I was still processing what happened 2 days ago, and needed time to get through that before I would even consider what he was asking today. So - what I've learned is when I feel manipulated, pressured, etc. I no longer explode yet instead I retract. This is a huge change but being able to say I need time is so much growth for me and when I can say it calmly and evenly, it usually does end the pushing.
I am often the last one to know what I really feel. It is what it is....but when I do give myself the gift of quiet time to process, I handle things so much better. When I instead react, I typically have to make amends and while I am always willing, I am trying instead to get in front of that!
(((Hugs))) - tattle away - that's how we heal!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
